The other day I asked myself a question. “Is my life perfect?” No. Of course not, but it’s pretty darn good. But what’s wrong with it? Let’s see, my parents argue about stupid stuff and are dumb about things even I know, my car doesn’t run, we don’t have enough $ stabilization to fix both my brother’s truck and my car in an expedient manner, and there are days when I just can’t get it all together; days when I want something. I know what it is that I want, but I don’t know how to get it. I want someone to wrap strong arms around me and tell me I’m wanted and beautiful and all his. I want to know that I’m valued. I want to be hugged by more than just my girl friends. Is that so wrong? Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that I have what I have. I have wonderful parents who love and support me, as well as friend who do the same. I love my car, and I never want for anything I need. But I’m at a loss for what to do. Chad, I am only 17, but there are days when I feel so much older.
I feel like a little monkey playing the cymbal, tambourine, and drum all at once, dancing in circles for an invisible audience. What is the monkey? Is it stuff that I can’t seem to stop doing, like my responsibilities? Is it life’s endless cycle, in my case the mundane chaos of school? Is it sin that never seems to completely go away, not matter how hard I try to avoid it each day? Does anybody really know what the monkey is? And do you ever feel like you’re just dancing for the music of a mighty band that you can’t quite see? Without feeling the beat, so you’re always a little different than every other monkey in the world? Maybe I’m crazy. I think my personal assessment changes a little each day. I just want to sleep. Relax, go to Hawaii, or go skiing, just get away from it all. Who doesn’t, I know. But this is MY blog, isn’t it? Hehe. Today’s not all that bad, but I am tired. And I’ve got deadlines approaching, so I’ve got to stay on task and on top. Thanks for listening blogosphere. I feel better now. But I think I might have to get a tape recorder like Heath mentioned…
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6 comments:
Oh Pam. I never knew that you felt that way. But I had a feeling like you should. I am very sorry. I know im not a guy or anything but you know im always here for you. Whenever you need me, i'll be here. Next year at college will be the same way. Your post really made me wanna cry. Seriously. I have never read something like that and just wanted to run up to someone and give them a gigantic hug and try to make them feel better. I guess I take me relationship with Brock for granted. I used to feel like you do all the time. When I think that tomrrow will be 3 years for me and him..it just makes me think of what my life without these past three years would have been like. I am truly blessed...i guess. I hope that in college you find that special someone. Actually, I know you will. W-Town is not all that big and there arent alot of guys. I was just lucky enough to find one before someone else got him. I will ttyl though, and I hope that you have a better day, week, month, and year. Just keep your head up and look to the future. There is that special someone out there for you and he is probably waiting at college for you. Love Ya bunches/
Love you too, Porkchop!
Can I call you Spat? .... you know... cos it sounds like spit... heh.... oh, where was I?
Dear Pam of Texas,
I know exactly how you feel. Alot more people go through this stage, than you might think. It's funny cos I have a younger buddy Erik who is in the same boat as yourself (and he's 19 and in college). So I'm always there for him, and helping him grow into a mature and responsible man/christian.
I guess what I'm saying is that good things come to those who wait.
And I can probably tell you that till I'm blue in the face, and it probably won't do you much good. Cos you youngin's are all antsy in the pantsy. But thats okay, because I was the same way. It's just something you have to go through in yer young life.
In highschool I was pretty much able to survive, by surrounding myself with friends constantly. Always doing something to keep my brains occupied.
College was different for me. I worked full time, AND was a full time student. Needless to say, I hated my life. Everynite, when I got off work, drove an hour home, got there around midnight, i would bang my head on the steering wheel of the pickup, and just call out for help.
But as I got older, things got better. I met carrie ann, and I couldent get her to leave me alone. Then I got dooped into marrying her, and now look where I am! Just a honky in Idaho. and it's pretty sweet. hah.
uhh.. got sidetracked again. The moral of this story is to always clean yer guns.
no wait... wrong moral...
The moral of this story is
Good things will come to the Pam who waits
Cos the bottom line, is that it's prolly gonna be this way for the next couple years, darling. So you might as well make the best of it!
And party like it's 1999!
Well Chad, thanks for the reminder. These are all, unfortunately, things I know but can't seem to keep in mind. And I'll try to remember to always clean my guns... er, I mean wait for those good things patiently. And yes, Spat is perfectly fine with me. I'll add that to my collection.
* Heath enters the room* Wow...this place is nice..I like the wallpaper. Wait a ssec...why am I here? Oh yah,
Hey Spat it's that one guy from the blog down the street.Thought I'd stop by for a visit.
Long time reader, first time poster,
I couldn't help but comment cuz this one applies to me. My friend Todd called me that little monkey with the cymbols the other day. Weird. Anyway, I think Chad pretty much covered the whole knowledgable wisdom part so I'll just take my things and go.
Keep on truckin Spat!
Exactly how long HAVE you been reading my blog Heath? And what conclusions have you reached about me? Dare I ask?
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