Thursday, April 27, 2006
Happy Birthday to Me!!!
Today is my 19th birthday! Yay! So, one more year of teenagerhood. Hehe. Donna did my nails last night, and cooked me dinner, so that was fun. More fun to come! I'll update tonight about the birthday happenings. Woohoo!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Tuesday Afternoons from Heaven
Suddenly, the light comes shining in!!! I love my parents. They are totally and completely wonderful and they don't even know it! So, Mom, Dad, thank you both so much for being so amazing! You had no idea what was wrong or that anything was even going on, and yet you did know, and now everything's better! Not because we talked about anything specific, but because you cared enough to call out of the blue and be absolutely silly and normal, like everything in the world was fine, which it really is, I just couldn't see it. So thank you. I don't know why, but everything suddenly feels lighter, and the sun's flooding back into my life, right where it belongs. And as I sit here crying those crazy tears of joy, I thank God for you both, that you're there for me and I'm so blessed when I don't deserve it. You are both wonderful people and fantastic parents, and I know we've had our disagreements, but I'm as thankful for those as the beautiful days of one-on-one time. So, rest assured, Dad, Mom, everybody, that I am once again back to being me. Maybe a little changed, but still me. And thank you all for your prayers and love and support! Life is easier with strong shoulders to help me through the valleys. Love y'all!
Monday, April 24, 2006
Un-answers
What color are my eyes? Are they green? Sometimes. But sometimes they're blue. I don't know. Does anyone?
Standing in the shower, crying about nothing, I realized I'm not really happy. I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with something someone said about something. Well, actually, yes, it does have something to do with exactly that. A friend told me it was my fault that I'm "one of the guys". What I can't figure out is how exactly that works. I can't change who I am. I can't make myself any less tom-boyish or more girlie. I don't think I'd want to, for the most part. And yes, it hurts. It hurts that the guys talk to me like I'm one of them. It hurts that I can't be dated because I'm a friend, and half of the guys see me as a force to be reckoned with, and not something feminine or attractive, and those that do are too scared to step up and do anything about it. This doesn't really matter, and won't have any repercussions since none of the guys I'm referring to ever read this thing. I really don't see why ANY of you still read it. But whatever. Your choice, I guess.
I've diagnosed myself with depression. I don't know why I'm sad or out of sorts or down most of the time, except that I need a few days all alone to zone out and recharge with no company, no pressure, no worries, and no pain. That will, unfortunately, never happen. Life doesn't work like that. Not even mine. Which seems rather strange, since I seem to live a very charmed life. Some would even call it perfect. I can't say that I blame them. Everything that's "wrong" in my life is my won fault. Well, mostly.
For those of you who don't know, here's the latest. I went to the doctor the Thursday before Easter. I had blood work done on that Saturday. The results came back last Wednesday. I'm trying to get some female problems sorted out and make all of this unnatural body hair stop growing. A clear complexion would be nice, too, but I'm not really getting my hopes up. Anyway, my results said my thyroid, kidneys, and liver are all fine, and I'm not anemic or glucose resistant. My cholesterol is too high, but I'm working on that actively now. My testosterone levels, however, were a bit off... An adult woman should be at or below 20. My testosterone was above 60. I'm so sick and tired of dealing with this! I was so discouraged! I still am, really. I just wanted them to be able to prescribe something simple, fix everything, and make me at least semi-normal, but nooo. I have to be even more of a freak. Do you have any idea how hard it is to think of myself as a real woman when I have as much testosterone as some guys and act like them, too?
I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. For a long, long, long time. All alone. Nothing but me and my dreams and the sweet hum of the fan. And all of this in spite of my birthday on Thursday. I'll be 19. Whoopty-doo. I need sleep.
Standing in the shower, crying about nothing, I realized I'm not really happy. I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with something someone said about something. Well, actually, yes, it does have something to do with exactly that. A friend told me it was my fault that I'm "one of the guys". What I can't figure out is how exactly that works. I can't change who I am. I can't make myself any less tom-boyish or more girlie. I don't think I'd want to, for the most part. And yes, it hurts. It hurts that the guys talk to me like I'm one of them. It hurts that I can't be dated because I'm a friend, and half of the guys see me as a force to be reckoned with, and not something feminine or attractive, and those that do are too scared to step up and do anything about it. This doesn't really matter, and won't have any repercussions since none of the guys I'm referring to ever read this thing. I really don't see why ANY of you still read it. But whatever. Your choice, I guess.
I've diagnosed myself with depression. I don't know why I'm sad or out of sorts or down most of the time, except that I need a few days all alone to zone out and recharge with no company, no pressure, no worries, and no pain. That will, unfortunately, never happen. Life doesn't work like that. Not even mine. Which seems rather strange, since I seem to live a very charmed life. Some would even call it perfect. I can't say that I blame them. Everything that's "wrong" in my life is my won fault. Well, mostly.
For those of you who don't know, here's the latest. I went to the doctor the Thursday before Easter. I had blood work done on that Saturday. The results came back last Wednesday. I'm trying to get some female problems sorted out and make all of this unnatural body hair stop growing. A clear complexion would be nice, too, but I'm not really getting my hopes up. Anyway, my results said my thyroid, kidneys, and liver are all fine, and I'm not anemic or glucose resistant. My cholesterol is too high, but I'm working on that actively now. My testosterone levels, however, were a bit off... An adult woman should be at or below 20. My testosterone was above 60. I'm so sick and tired of dealing with this! I was so discouraged! I still am, really. I just wanted them to be able to prescribe something simple, fix everything, and make me at least semi-normal, but nooo. I have to be even more of a freak. Do you have any idea how hard it is to think of myself as a real woman when I have as much testosterone as some guys and act like them, too?
I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. For a long, long, long time. All alone. Nothing but me and my dreams and the sweet hum of the fan. And all of this in spite of my birthday on Thursday. I'll be 19. Whoopty-doo. I need sleep.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
!!!!!!!!
Will somebody PLEASE remind me why it's illegal to KILL someone?!?!? My roommate... GRRR!!!! I don't know how much more of this crap I can stand! NOISE ALL OF THE TIME! Either groaning, talking, or those friggin eating noises... I'm going to GO INSANE. And she talks and always has the TV on. And she's ANNOYING. Grr................ I'm so frustrated! I just want to scream! Or punch her. Or kill her and dispose of the body. Idiot girl. It's grating on my nerves... AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! As much as I love guns, it's really hard to not use them... Dang.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Birthdays, Bests, and Besitos
Can y'all see my picture? That's right, it's a tree. The Century Tree, as a matter of fact. It's an Aggie thing. This explains a lot of those "Aggie things". I guess it comes from having a best friend at A&M, but I love all that stuff. Awesome traditions. I had a dream last night that Reveille ran from College Station to Huntsville and got me out of class and took me back to A&M with her, where I was awarded a full scholarship. Strange. But it was pretty funny.
Sunday was Daddy's 40th birthday. We went to the Bass Pro Shop's Outdoor World in the Houston area and then went into the mall on Saturday. He got a suit and a shirt. Very cool.
Today is Andrew's 21st birthday. It doesn't really amount to anything, since he doesn't read my blog, but he's Jarrod's housemate and a friend of mine, through Jarrod. Jarrod is an Aggie, along with Andrew.
I have 5 best friends and more good friends than I can count. My bests are Jarrod, who will always be close to me, because we get along pretty much all of the time; Kristen, who represents my past; Kourtney, who represents high school and my leadership experiences; Courtney, who is there for me when I need her and is my voice of reason; and Heather, my suitemate, who is the person I'm the craziest with, who never lets me feel sorry for myself, keeps me on top of things, and expects me to expect a lot from myself. Honestly, I think Heather is the one person I could hang out with all day and never get annoyed at or get tired of. I love all of my bests, but some of them can be annoying, argumentative, and just plain silly. Jarrod and I can spend a day together, no problem, but we generally run out of things to talk about, so we go find something to do, like watch a movie.
I saw The Notebook for the first time last night. The very end got me. I liked it, though.
I need to talk to the English department head and see if I'm exempt from my 266/267 class, since I got A's in my composition classes and 265. Makes no sense to anybody from somewhere other than SHSU, but it's ok.
Next week, I have a research paper due on Monday, a research project due on Tuesday, a doctor's appointment on Thursday, and Friday off. This week, I have a presentation due in History, an RA interview on Friday at 8:30 AM, Relay for Life from 7 PM to 7 AM on Friday through Saturday, another interview on Saturday, a shirt to sew (which doesn't have to be finished this week, but I want to finish it asap), and cupcakes and cakes to bake. For the Relay for Life. So it looks like I'll be writing my research paper tonight or tomorrow night, and finishing on Saturday and Sunday. Yay. Note the lack of enthusiasm.
My roommate went to the opening Astros game last night. So she didn't come home. Which is wonderful. She's not really bothering me, but I love being alone in my room.
Heather's having a tough week, so we might go do something tonight to lighten the mood. We'll see.
Oh, and I got my cartilage pierced. I have a point on my ear, so I got it there. It didn't really hurt, though it throbs if I hit it just right. I got the bright idea to put Neosporin on it, so hopefully it'll heal faster. 1 month. It's on my right side. And I think it looks really good.
People keep telling me they love my shirt, though it's just a John Cena shirt, and isn't anything impressive. But whatever. It says, "Hustle. Loyalty. Respect." on the front and, "Down since day one." on the back. All in caps. I like it, so it's all gravy.
Well, I'm out. Class soon, and then I have crew, then who knows what else. Besitos! (Yes, that's Spanish.)
Sunday was Daddy's 40th birthday. We went to the Bass Pro Shop's Outdoor World in the Houston area and then went into the mall on Saturday. He got a suit and a shirt. Very cool.
Today is Andrew's 21st birthday. It doesn't really amount to anything, since he doesn't read my blog, but he's Jarrod's housemate and a friend of mine, through Jarrod. Jarrod is an Aggie, along with Andrew.
I have 5 best friends and more good friends than I can count. My bests are Jarrod, who will always be close to me, because we get along pretty much all of the time; Kristen, who represents my past; Kourtney, who represents high school and my leadership experiences; Courtney, who is there for me when I need her and is my voice of reason; and Heather, my suitemate, who is the person I'm the craziest with, who never lets me feel sorry for myself, keeps me on top of things, and expects me to expect a lot from myself. Honestly, I think Heather is the one person I could hang out with all day and never get annoyed at or get tired of. I love all of my bests, but some of them can be annoying, argumentative, and just plain silly. Jarrod and I can spend a day together, no problem, but we generally run out of things to talk about, so we go find something to do, like watch a movie.
I saw The Notebook for the first time last night. The very end got me. I liked it, though.
I need to talk to the English department head and see if I'm exempt from my 266/267 class, since I got A's in my composition classes and 265. Makes no sense to anybody from somewhere other than SHSU, but it's ok.
Next week, I have a research paper due on Monday, a research project due on Tuesday, a doctor's appointment on Thursday, and Friday off. This week, I have a presentation due in History, an RA interview on Friday at 8:30 AM, Relay for Life from 7 PM to 7 AM on Friday through Saturday, another interview on Saturday, a shirt to sew (which doesn't have to be finished this week, but I want to finish it asap), and cupcakes and cakes to bake. For the Relay for Life. So it looks like I'll be writing my research paper tonight or tomorrow night, and finishing on Saturday and Sunday. Yay. Note the lack of enthusiasm.
My roommate went to the opening Astros game last night. So she didn't come home. Which is wonderful. She's not really bothering me, but I love being alone in my room.
Heather's having a tough week, so we might go do something tonight to lighten the mood. We'll see.
Oh, and I got my cartilage pierced. I have a point on my ear, so I got it there. It didn't really hurt, though it throbs if I hit it just right. I got the bright idea to put Neosporin on it, so hopefully it'll heal faster. 1 month. It's on my right side. And I think it looks really good.
People keep telling me they love my shirt, though it's just a John Cena shirt, and isn't anything impressive. But whatever. It says, "Hustle. Loyalty. Respect." on the front and, "Down since day one." on the back. All in caps. I like it, so it's all gravy.
Well, I'm out. Class soon, and then I have crew, then who knows what else. Besitos! (Yes, that's Spanish.)
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