Un-answers

What color are my eyes? Are they green? Sometimes. But sometimes they're blue. I don't know. Does anyone?

Standing in the shower, crying about nothing, I realized I'm not really happy. I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with something someone said about something. Well, actually, yes, it does have something to do with exactly that. A friend told me it was my fault that I'm "one of the guys". What I can't figure out is how exactly that works. I can't change who I am. I can't make myself any less tom-boyish or more girlie. I don't think I'd want to, for the most part. And yes, it hurts. It hurts that the guys talk to me like I'm one of them. It hurts that I can't be dated because I'm a friend, and half of the guys see me as a force to be reckoned with, and not something feminine or attractive, and those that do are too scared to step up and do anything about it. This doesn't really matter, and won't have any repercussions since none of the guys I'm referring to ever read this thing. I really don't see why ANY of you still read it. But whatever. Your choice, I guess.

I've diagnosed myself with depression. I don't know why I'm sad or out of sorts or down most of the time, except that I need a few days all alone to zone out and recharge with no company, no pressure, no worries, and no pain. That will, unfortunately, never happen. Life doesn't work like that. Not even mine. Which seems rather strange, since I seem to live a very charmed life. Some would even call it perfect. I can't say that I blame them. Everything that's "wrong" in my life is my won fault. Well, mostly.

For those of you who don't know, here's the latest. I went to the doctor the Thursday before Easter. I had blood work done on that Saturday. The results came back last Wednesday. I'm trying to get some female problems sorted out and make all of this unnatural body hair stop growing. A clear complexion would be nice, too, but I'm not really getting my hopes up. Anyway, my results said my thyroid, kidneys, and liver are all fine, and I'm not anemic or glucose resistant. My cholesterol is too high, but I'm working on that actively now. My testosterone levels, however, were a bit off... An adult woman should be at or below 20. My testosterone was above 60. I'm so sick and tired of dealing with this! I was so discouraged! I still am, really. I just wanted them to be able to prescribe something simple, fix everything, and make me at least semi-normal, but nooo. I have to be even more of a freak. Do you have any idea how hard it is to think of myself as a real woman when I have as much testosterone as some guys and act like them, too?

I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. For a long, long, long time. All alone. Nothing but me and my dreams and the sweet hum of the fan. And all of this in spite of my birthday on Thursday. I'll be 19. Whoopty-doo. I need sleep.