Wednesday, January 22, 2014
"Welcome to my world!!! Let's see, anything you want to tell me and/or mention, feel free. One of my bf's got me set up, so here goes. My brain apparently works in mysterious ways, because my dreams really trip me out. Especially lately. I dreamed about being trapped in a truck under water and being all worried about the guy who was driving being scared. Go figure. I'm very patient, but when I'm mad, don't mess with me. Fortunately, I only stay mad for about 10 minutes at a time. I like older men mostly, and being kissed and held is the only thing I really need to go along with my movie. Guys who smell good are amazing, and brown eyes are the kind I get lost in. Life is worth living and very good in my world, but I'm willing to tackle all sorts of problems, especially those of my friends. I go from one love to another easily, but when I'm attached I stay attached, even if it's only just "friendship." I love to paint, and the world is my canvas. I'll try any crazy thing at least once unless it's severely against my morals. Bungee jumping, sky diving, race car driving, trying my hand at being a mechanic, going on tour as a singer, painting a whole houseful of rooms, and designing a landscape are all on my "to do" list. Frogs, monkeys, tigers, horses, and snakes are super-cool and I stay busy with all of my activities and volunteering. Well, I guess if you've made it to the bottom I did well. If not, toodles anyway!"
That was my very first post in the blogging world. I was a senior in high school. I have no idea who that "bf" was who got me set up, but I know the following years did make me lots of new friends and get me interested in a world outside of myself.
I revisited my blog after so long because my mother is setting hers up today. She has dreams of expressing herself via the Internet, so we'll see how she gets along.
I know it's been a while, so allow me to update you. I'm no longer married. I left my husband after a somewhat unconventional and heartbreaking discussion in which he "admitted" to cheating on me. I don't know if I actually believe him, but even if he didn't, the idea that he would tell me something like that jut to make me leave makes me rethink the wisdom of staying with someone like him. It was the week before our one year anniversary.
The divorce was finalized in July, and I thoroughly enjoyed being single for a while. Then I met the most amazing man... His name is Michael. He's sweet and kind and loving, caring, generous, and loves me for more than just what I can give him. He's absolutely wonderful and I'm so blessed to have him. And yes, I tell him all of the time.
I don't know if I'll continue my blog, but if I do, it will certainly be something more than the mundane opinions of a half-grown woman. I'm an adult now, for better or for worse, so maybe I'll even create a blog that reflects that.
Thanks for the attention, dear reader. See you soon!!
Monday, March 11, 2013
I was looking through some old papers this evening and came across a piece that I wrote in college. I would like to share it with you. This was written on April 30th, 2007, just past my 20th birthday in a reading response journal for my survey of British literature class.
Death. How near and dear a subject to my heart. I often think about the ironies of death, and the oddest occurrences that seem to happen simply because someone dies. For instance, why do families only get together when someone they love dies? Why do we feel the need to make our connection with the living stronger in the absence of the dead? How is it that we find solace in someone else's grief? Being a close and personal friend of death, I still cannot know these answers. I know, however, that everyone I have lost has lived a life with a title.
The past ten months have been trying times. Then again, so have the past ten years. I have no remaining "blood" grandparents as of April 18th, 2007. No, do not pity me. My greatest loss will have been a year gone in June. It all began in 1998, when my mother's mother died. She ran the family, and was the stronghold. She was my personal model, and I still strive to take her place in the family in small ways. Her title was mother, grandmother, friend, aunt, sister, daughter, pillar, stronghold, cook, housewife, cancer survivor, cancer victim. Hr husband died in September 2003. He was father, grandfather, help-mate, friend, brother, uncle, worker, brave, honest, crazy, sick, old, sad case in a hospital. Odd coincidences are associated with death. Granny died seven days before my eleventh birthday. Granddaddy died seven days before my brother's eighteenth birthday. Subtract my age from his and you have seven. Odd observations of the scattered mind, you might say. There are no such observations on the next two deaths. Mema, my father's mother died in June of 2006. She was personal confidant, friend, grandmother, mother, sister, aunt, shoulder to lean on, love of a lifetime, cancer patient, Wal-Mart employee, former smoker, cancer victim, the girl in Grandpa's little red wagon. Her first husband--the father of her three children--died this month. He was brother, father, uncle, grandfather, friend, singer, smiling face, changed man, freak death on Wednesday night. Recovery is a slows process, and the opportunity for meditation on death has come at a very appropriate time.
Losing a parent is difficult, but losing a child is more so. Time heals wounds and broken hearts, but the heart never forgets a lost love. The pain of a memory can be stronger than the pain from a physical wound. Forgive, but do not forget. Live every day for all it is worth, like it's your last, as if you we're dying. Love with all of your heart. Dance like nobody's watching. Sing with your whole heart. Laugh with your whole self. Hold nothing back. Take nothing that isn't yours. Give yourself to everyone you meet. Make friends and keep them. Death comes on swift wings, unannounced, unwelcome, and unforgiving. Have no regrets. You may not have tomorrow. Do not live a life untitled. Know who you are, where you stand, from whence you've come, and where you're going, even if it's nowhere. Have a purpose. Have desires. Have fun. Live. Death offers no pardons for those who have neglected the title of their life. What's your title?
I got a check plus on this. The comments read, "Pam, this is a beautiful meditation--thoughtful and eloquent." I cried when I read it today.
I've diagnosed myself with mild depression on account of being under employed. I'm restless and having trouble focusing and concentrating, which isn't like me at all, so I'm thinking that a new job should level me back out. At least I hope so. There are no negative thoughts or depressing tendencies, but it's just the little differences. That has to be what's wrong.
I have a wonderful boyfriend, by the way. Not the same one as last year, but a new one. His name is Tim. He's four years older than me and has a three-month old baby girl whom I absolutely adore. He's kind and caring and incredibly sweet, he takes care of me and likes having me around because I make him feel good about life. He's a restaurant manager and has a strange schedule, but I'm hoping we get to take vacation together next month for some fun and relaxation. The rodeo's in town then, so we should get to see some great concerts if all goes well. I don't know if I can say how I feel about him, but I care deeply for him and see my life with him for a long time to come, whatever changes that may entail. We'll see. Maybe this is the beginning of my fairy tale.
But first I have to find a real job. Ugh.
Friday, March 19, 2010
I haven't seen or really spoken to Cory at all this week, which has been incredibly frustrating. He's convinced I'm so patient and that I'm difficult to anger, which is true for the most part. We had a discussion two weeks ago about my need for communication in this relationship, and now he's slacking. I don't know what's going on--if he's just busy or otherwise engaged or lost his phone, but either way I'm not impressed. I'm going to send him an email tonight and call him tomorrow, I think. Or vice versa. I don't suppose it really matters. All I know is that I'm pissed off and am tempted to either force his hand so he has to see me by either showing up at his door or calling an ultimatum, or just end it. If only he would talk to me this whole thing would be so much easier. Why does this crap happen to me? Maybe Mother's right and I only fall for the emotionally unavailable guys. Maybe I'm just overreacting. My thing is, I deserve better, right? I deserve to be a priority in somebody's life, right? Don't I????
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
My job is Junior High English Teacher. Don't ask what grades. I told you. Junior High. That's correct, three grades. Sixth, seventh, and eighth. I have a total of 90 students across three grades, and all but four or five middle school students in the school. My neighbor seems nice enough, though a little aloof still. My across-the-hall neighbor is awesome, and I love her. My around the corner coworkers are friendly, but not overly so. It's a very small school, and the people are nice, but it's painfully slow. The environment is challenging, but not in a good way. I feel like I'm lost in the middle of nowhere. I'll be moving back to high speed internet and 24-hour restaurants before too long, I think. I don't really mind living at home with Mom and Dad most days. Today was a bit rough, because they both took it upon themselves to tell me that I need to take better care of myself, forgetting that I'm a grown woman and perfectly capable of taking care of myself without their assistance. It's a bit frustrating at times, but I'm dealing. It's taken me a long time and a huge loss of pride to admit when I'm not alright and ask for help. Thankfully, it's something the new bf pointed out and I'm working on. I have a lot of small issues with the school and the atmosphere, but I'm giving it a chance and sticking it out until something better comes along. Mom says she can tell I'm not happy with where I am, and she's right, but I'm here for now and I just have to make it work. Unfortunately, she often only hears my vent and doesn't see the positive, happy, friendly exterior I maintain for most of my life.
There are good things about working here, and there are some really fantastic moments in the classroom. One of which involved sixth graders... One student, upon hearing the assignment of four handwritten pages concerning their research topic, loudly proclaimed, "I can't!" One of his classmates replied, "can't never could," followed quickly by a third student's quip, "until try came along!" I laughed and just knew it was a quotable quote. Some of these children are charming and funny and quite intelligent. Hopefully I'll be able to post a lot of great stories in the future.
The new bf is wonderful. Mother made the comment that she doesn't know why he's my "boyfriend" since we've only been on one date, but we've invested so much in each other emotionally that it only makes sense to have the title. It's a little difficult to fall for someone when you're just talking. That's such an odd term, by the way. His name is Cory. He's incredibly intelligent, funny, witty, sarcastic, cute, friendly, compelling, ambitious, sweet, sensitive in a very non-gay way, a great dresser, goofy, quirky, eclectic, loves history, and says he's on his way to loving me... That's the scary part, I think. I know me breaking up with Steve didn't really make the news. We've been done since the beginning of December, and I think it's for the best. He's finally realized he can do school on his own, make his own decisions, and have a good life with friends. He's not quite happy, but he's getting there, and we're still friends. I didn't realize it until recently, but I'm still getting over him. I thought a clean break was possible, but three years is a long time. Cory has helped tremendously. He's a teacher, and I met him while I was student teaching. He is a friend of my mentor teacher from my first placement, and we were kind of thrown together from the beginning. It didn't take a serious or romantic turn until I moved back home to Mom and Dad's. We emailed, then moved to texting, and now we're at nightly phone calls. He makes me smile, and he cares about my day, can deal with my moods, and can even counter my crankiness, which is pretty impressive. He makes me happy. Rhina, a friend of mine from my Cracker Barrel days who I still visit as often as possible even made a comment about me being happier now than she's ever seen me. It's an inner peace, really. I'm comfortable in my options. I'm not pressured, and I feel that I can grow and heal with Cory and truly find my place in life. He's not perfect, no, but he's close. He has a five-year-old son who has not met me. That's an event I'm looking forward to immensely. I also want to meet his family. It seems like most of this will have to wait until I get back over that direction on a more permanent basis. I don't get to see him often because of the physical distance. It's difficult, but we're working on it. I've been working on my faith and personal walk with God, and I know he's a strong Christian, so I'm looking forward to growing with him on a spiritual level. I asked what he needs me to pray for specifically for him, and he responded today that he needs "resolve, clarity, direction, and skill in prioritizing and scheduling." I can only assume he means that I'm a priority with this comment, since it's directed at the major issues we've been having. It's such a wonderful relief to be able to actually talk about any issues we have openly and candidly without being yelled at or unreasonably ignored. Resolving things is easy with a mature, level-headed man with excellent reasoning skills and sound logic. He knows it hurts my feelings when he forgets to call, or our schedules get complicated and I don't hear from him for a long while. The only time I've ever been "angry" so to speak was when he neglected to even text over the course of the day. It takes two seconds. Pick up the phone. He knows this, though, and he's working on it. He says I have the patience of Job and he appreciates that I am willing to wait for him. I'd be stupid not to. He's still tearing down and rebuilding from his ex-wife and the trouble and drama and lack of trust in that relationship, so it will be a momentous occasion when he trusts me with his whole self. I'll be sure to let you know if it ever happens.
I'm sitting in my classroom right now, at 830 at night, for One-Act Play. We were supposed to rehearse tonight, but everyone on the cast and crew is involved with either basketball, cheer-leading, or student council, so they have to be at the game for various reasons. It's a bust, essentially. I'm tired, but caught a cat nap on the couch in my classroom a little while ago. I'll make it, but I look forward to Saturdays when I can sleep late and speak to people over the age of 14 for extended periods of time.
Thank you all for reading my ramblings. I hope my update has been interesting and enlightening, and that everyone knows I love them and send them hugs and prayers. Goodnight!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Essentially, it all boils down to the fact that people find themselves the most attractive ideal in their minds. Therefore, people marry people who look like them. Hence, if you're ugly, you marry someone else who is ugly. If you're pretty, you marry someone else who is pretty. Or you marry for money. Having money makes everyone pretty.
You can see evidence of this in those little old people who look alike. When they were younger and first got together, they were subconsciously attracted to each other because there are similarities in their features. As they aged, these similarities started to be more pronounced, so they look alike. An acquaintance once asked if I looked like my mom or my dad, and I said both. Now, this makes sense to me because I'm a combination of the two of them: I have Dad's eye shape, nose, and lip shape, but I have Mom's complexion, hair color, and influence on my eye color. However, some might argue that Mom and Dad look similar. I don't necessarily know about that, but I suppose it's possible.
These were my random thoughts this morning as I was getting ready for school. Today's my last day at Cracker Barrel, and I have five days left at the high school where I'm student teaching. I'm going to miss these kids.
There's a mouse in the theater. I'm trying to think of a name for him. Mother likes Maisy, my kids like Puck, and I've gotten votes for Seymour, Mr. Bojangles, Macbeth, and Despereaux. He's a cute little mouse. I think I'm leaning toward Puck, personally.
I suppose I should get back to work. Love and hugs!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
First of all, I've accepted the job at the little school in southeast Texas, so I'll be moving back in with my parents at the beginning of December, which is exciting in a lot of ways. I'm nervous about the adjustment, but I'm also glad I get the chance to get closer to them.
I'll also be spending a lot of time at my uncle's lake house. It's about 30 minutes from the school where I'll be teaching. It should be a great way to relax, so I'm looking forward to that.
I had to talk to Steve about the whole move thing last night, so that resulted in a huge argument. I finally just told him that I need time to find myself and really find my direction, and I don't see us lasting forever. He got angry, and we both cried a little, but I think he'll get over it. I'm sure he will, actually. I just hope he can be happy for me and we can still be friends. He's a great friend, but I can't see myself married to him. After three years, he doesn't understand how I can just "drop" him in favor of moving home with my parents and taking a job so far away from him. I can't explain to him that I just need to be home for a while, and I need to find that stability again. Plus, I really think Mom and Dad are going to need me when Derek goes into the Army. To make it all so much harder, Steve bought an engagement ring and was planning on proposing. He told me last night, and then let me see it. It's pretty, and similar to what I would pick out for myself. He paid cash for it, apparently. He's been making plans, and completely oblivious to the fact that I wasn't happy and am not really happy with him. We had a great thing for a while, but it's coming to an end. I'm ready for it. I knew we weren't forever. He had no idea. I'm not ready to get married.
I told him, and it's true, that I may get home and realize that I made a terrible mistake and come running back to him, and that we may be meant to be together and I just don't know it yet. I don't want him to put his life on hold waiting for me. I'm not going to not have a life, that's for sure. I have every intention of going out and being a young, attractive adult for the first time in my life.
Ever since I've been old enough to legally go out and have a few drinks with friends and go to parties and live the crazy life, I've had a boyfriend. I've been with Steve since I was 19. Granted, he's changed me. I feel much more confident and attractive now than I ever thought I would. I'm comfortable in my own skin, and I have him to thank for that. Now, I want to be able to use what I've gained to have fun. I'm only 22. I want that before I settle down and have a family and can't be selfish anymore. I haven't really ever lived my life just for me. Is it wrong to say it's my turn now? Does that make me a terrible person?
I think Steve is still holding on because he sees the way he's changed since we started dating and he is grateful for that. I don't want to be in a relationship based on gratitude and guilt. It's not healthy. And it doesn't have the makings for a great forever. Does all of this make sense?
As far as I know, where we are now is technically still together, but we'll call it off when I move home. He's angry, and having a tough time dealing with it, and I'm very emotional and just want to sit and cry into my hot chocolate, but we should both be better in a few days. I guess we'll just have to see where this takes us.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Ok, so here’s my vent.
First, what the heck is going on with Obama? One minute he’s gung-ho for healthcare reform and the next he’s backing off, saying that we may not actually need complete healthcare reform, and that a partial reform may solve our problem. What kind of crap is that? Ok, let’s think about this. We are Americans. We are born and bred into a capitalist society, which is awesome because it ideally drives commerce and creates a booming economy as long as our jobs aren’t outsourced to foreign soil. Europe does BEAUTIFULLY with socialist healthcare and there’s a reason. People in Europe, generally speaking, are less greedy on a personal level than Americans. They work for the greater good of the country, versus the greater good of the family, which is what Americans are geared to work for. There’s no “community mindset” in the American mentality. We work to better our families and better the futures of our children, so we’re not okay with giving our hard-earned money to people who won’t get off their derrieres and work for a living. It’s aggravating. But it’s how we as a country think, which is why the healthcare reform won’t work and the legislature will not pass something so against our national code.
In addition to that particular issue, Obama also just sent money to Brazil to help develop their offshore drilling and boost their failing economy, but he won’t grow a pair in the USA and tell the environmentalists to kiss his butt and start drilling in Alaska in order to boost our economy. He’s spending OUR TAX DOLLARS to help out another country do something that WE CAN’T EVEN DO!!! That’s absolute crap!
Another vent that’s recently surfaced is not necessarily political. Why in the heck is Brett Favre still playing football?! He’s 39 YEARS OLD!!! And he’s getting TWENTY-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS FOR TWO YEARS! That’s a MILLION DOLLARS A MONTH!!! What IS that? Do you know what I could do with a million dollars a month? I could change the WHOLE WORLD!! The old fossil just needs to retire and leave the Vikings and the NFL in general alone.
John Madden retired. Sad day. I really enjoyed his commentary. Also, Kathy Griffin’s trying to get on Oprah’s show, so that should be interesting.
By the way, if you go to a restaurant and get seated, stop asking for a different table. Have you ever thought that there’s a reason I seat you there? That maybe we have a rotation of servers so nobody gets overwhelmed? THINK about it people!!
I do have some good news, though. I have an informal job interview at a small school about 30 minutes from my parents on September 1st. I graduate in December with my degree in Theater and teacher certification in both English and Theater. The position I’m applying for will be open in December, and it will be teaching middle school English and high school One Act Play. I’m EXTREMELY excited about the position, especially since it’s a tiny little school and my average class size is 10 students. I think I would do really well with sixth, seventh, and eighth graders, and I know high school One Act Play would be a lot of fun, too. Wish me luck! If I get this job, it will be an answer to many prayers.
I hope things are going wonderfully for all of you, and I’ll talk to you later! Toodles!
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I just talked to JP via Yahoo Messenger and he said he was enjoying his vacation, but his cable is out and he has nothing to do. Don't you just hate that?
I have a Lighting Design project to do, an art project to officially get started on, and a musical scene to choose. I think either Oklahoma! or West Side Story. I haven't decided for sure yet.
I'm a little vaguely up in the air right now, so I'll head out, not having anything specifically concerete to say. Thanks for listening, though! Love and hugs!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
My scene went up yesterday. I got hit pretty hard, and I cried, but I'll tough it out and move on. I guess you live and learn. I could make excuses about my main character dropping out less than a week before the performance, my severe illness, the lack of time and rehearsal, and the lack of available rehearsal space, but I refuse to make unnecessary excuses for my lack of proper scene choice. Maybe it's a pride thing.
I have a project due on Friday that should be relatively simple to make and complete, but I have to sit down and do it. I have a show to see tonight. Angels In America opens tonight, and I'm looking forward to seeing it. Since my directing scene's finished, I have to begin research on my musical scene as soon as possible. Things are slowing down a little, so I think I'll make it.
Still giving myself the B-12 shots, and still doing just fine with them, though no major changes yet. I need to put together a to-do list and a grocery list for Wal-Mart. I need shampoo. I need to do laundry, too. Always something to do. But that's life. Not in my normal peppy mood today, sorry. Just dealing as I can.
JP's birthday was Sunday. I gave him a card and a little fuzzy yellow duck that went with the theme of the card. It was kind of funny because I borrowed his keys to put his card and duck in his car in order to avoid embarassment and gossip, and he asked me to take his balloon and gifts to the car. His mother and sisters had been by earlier that day and brought gifts and the balloon. It was such a comfortable, normal thing to do. It felt like Jarrod and me all over again, with the familiarity and the comfort and the predictability. Another interesting discovery was one I think I've made before, and that is that he doesn't ever ask me to do anything as far as work goes. I was working with Heather on Sunday and he asked her to spot sweep when we were both standing there, and then told her to go light the lanterns on the tables, rather than me. I didn't mind, but I found it a little odd. To top it off, I was sweeping under a big table so we could seat people there again and he touched me on the elbow and told me the busser could do it. I don't know why he does that, but it may be because he knows that I'm willing to do anything he needs done, both for work and on a slightly personal level. (Think shopping for his mom's Mother's Day gift when given a spending limit within the store, or taking his birthday presents to his car, or getting him medicine for his migraines.)
Ok, class is over, so I'm off. Love and hugs, as always.
Monday, February 09, 2009
I went to a baby shower last night, an that was fun. I found some really adorable things for the baby, so I was proud of myself. And then Steve and I had an argument because he randomly thought I was off work on Valentine's Day. Um... not so much. The thing is, everybody wants that day off, so JP (now in charge of schedules) isn't letting anybody off of work based solely upon requests. Not that I even requested it off. I did ask to work the morning, though, and I'll call in a favor to Kevin to see if I can get things worked out. Steve got the day off and wants to make a big deal of it, but I just want him to stop spending money on me. He's blowing hundreds of dollars (I assume) on gifts for me that I absolutely don't need. I wish he'd save his money. A friend of ours had the idea that from now on, when Steve wants to buy me something that isn't necessary, he can put the money in a savings account and use it when we want to take a vacation somewhere. I think that's a fantastic idea.
My father and I were debating the grammatical correctness of the phrase, "I can so." I responded to the accusation of not being able to talk without using my hands with the above phrase, and my father decided it was not, in fact, grammatically correct. Thoughts? Opinions? Arguments?
I hate having homework. I also hate being tired for no reason. I got plenty of sleep last night, but I'm still tired. No idea why. And now I'm hungry. Poo.
Anywho, I'm out. Time to actually pay attention in class. Lighting design. Woo hoo. Love and hugs!
UPDATE: We were awarded a certificate of mastery!!! Wooo hoo!!! Go us! And I'm working Saturday morning, leaving the evening free for time with Steve on Valentine's Day. A little perturbed about my actress not being able to hold up her end of the bargain and actually toughing it out and NOT COMPLAINING!!! She whines a lot. But she's old, and is apparently under the impression that she's the only one with a full plate. I'm calling a big, resounding BS on that one. But it'll be ok.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Other than that, I'm going 90 miles an hour down life's highway with school, tons of homework, and an almost-full-time job, so there's probably a reason my B-12 is so low. Apparently your body uses more under stress and when you get busy with a million things on your plate. Go figure.
In other news, Steve and I are back together. I don't know how long it will last, but I'm comfortable with him. As I told a friend, he may or may not be Mr. Right, but he's Mr. Right Now, and I can handle that. I don't particularly care for being single. The whole idea scares me a little. If Hawaii is in the future, I might change my mind, but I have a year to decide.
I'm going to Germany next month! Woo!!! I'm actually incredibly excited about that. It's a great opportunity and I know I'll have a blast.
Sorry this is so short, but I have an art assignment due tomorrow that will take about 20 minutes, a play to read (about an hour), a lighting design assignment to finish (about an hour), and possibly a nap to take (20 minutes or two hours...) all before bed tonight. It's going to be a long day, so I'll have to remember to grab food before I really get involved in homework. That whole remembering to eat thing is sometimes pretty difficult.
Hope things are going well for everybody! Love and hugs!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
On a more serious note, I have a friend running in a marathon for charity, specifically for the Ronald McDonald House in the Texas Children's Hospital in Houston. She's running on behalf of the child of a friend who died in the hospital after being born with severe physical problems. They've been working on this for about four weeks and have already raised more than $3,000. She's actually sitting here telling us about this fund raising process and the overwhelming support from around the country. It's an amazingly inspiring story. You can read more about Team Chloe on their Facebook group page. There's another article discussing their work and the progress of the movement that began about a month ago by text message, devised by two young women who know Chloe's mother. It's awesome. I'm asking everyone to donate if they can, and at least get interested in what these wonderful women are doing in memory of a beautiful little girl.