The Blahs

You ever have one of those days when all you want to do is take a long nap? Yeah, it's one of those. I don't really know why. I know I miss Steve. He's been working a lot of overtime, so I miss him a lot lately. My fingers are cold. And I'm listening to my brother's music on MySpace. Good stuff. Rascal Flatts, believe it or not. My so-not-country brother. :p Anyway, I applied for housing. I'll find out my assigned place on December 1st. I haven't told most of my kids, but I think almost all of my coworkers and Dr. Young (the Honors Department Chair) know. I'm strangely excited to not have to come back at the very beginning of January. The dorms don't open until the 10th or something, and I'll have a few days to get settled in before class. Hopefully I'll have my "new" car by then. Yay!!!

I'm incredibly excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Mostly because I love family gatherings and really good food. And I'm pumped about my gifts for everybody! I still don't have anything for Lauren, but I'll talk to my brother about that. He probably won't know either. Hehe.

They opened the new mall area at school. It's pretty nice. Concrete and plants and lots of walking and sitting space. There are some benches in the awesomest place at the top of the new green area that I'm really looking forward to utilizing. I'm all registered for classes, too. Got advised Tuesday and yesterday and got into all but one of my classes. I have to be cleared for my 400 level English class because the computer's being stupid. I won't graduate until December or 2009, though. I should maybe have a summer off to work at the horse camp or something, so that should be fun. A friend of mine works out at a little ranch in the area and said I'm more than welcome to come stay with her for as long as I need to and work at the ranch. It's horses and kids all summer!!! I'm really trying to get a job there this summer, too. Just a little something to help me keep up with the bills while I'm taking my art classes and maybe a secondary ed. class. Is it weird that it's so close, but so far away?

Steve asked me how I felt about moving out of Texas. If we stay together, all of the big gaming companies are out of state. We're talking California (which is expensive, but I would LOVE), New York (also expensive, but AMAZING), Florida (which I could handle), or even Tennessee, which we both agreed might be the most favorable place right now. It's almost familiar like Texas, and the prices are much more reasonable. I don't know. That's a long way off, so we'll see. He has to graduate and find a job first, and then I have to graduate, and then there's the whole marriage thing, and making sure I can teach in Tennessee. Yeah, might have to look into that. I've seen pictures of out there and it's awesome. Plus it's not so far that I couldn't drive home for Christmas and Thanksgiving and such. And the Renaissance Festival. Now, before my father freaks out at the idea of me thinking about marrying Steve and moving out of the state (which qualifies as a foreign country in his mind, I think--kidding, Dad, kidding), I reiterate that it's a long way away. I'm not even ready to consider that yet. Maybe in another year, but not even then for sure. I love Texas. I'm not opposed to leaving, but I like being close to my roots. Granted, I don't want to live in my hometown, necessarily, but I could handle Beaumont or Houston. We talked about Fort Worth originally. That might be interesting, though the idea of driving there scares me.

Wow, this has been a rather long post. It's time for me to go jump in the shower so I don't have to take one later. I'm on duty tonight and I have group process tomorrow. That means that I have to go on rounds at 1 (with Jared, which takes about 30 minutes, because we're awesome), and then get up at 7 to open the doors and go to group process for RA interviews at 830. I don't like using ":" in my times, if you can't tell. Okay, I really am going now. Toodles, peeps!

God doesn't like SPAM

Ok, really random title, I know, but I just got an email saying "do what you think God would want you to do with this email." My first response: "God would want me to delete it because God doesn't like SPAM." Couldn't help it. I thought it was quotable, so there ya go.

By the way, I have my housing reserved, I have my letter of resignation in, and I'm beginning to sort through and pack up stuff. I'm going to store most of my junk over at Steve's for the break because I don't have a car to get it back and forth. I'll move all of it back into my dorm room in the spring. I'm actually pretty excited about the move and the change. Yay!!! I'm much better now. Less stressed and happier in general. Funny thing is, knowing that I won't be coming back makes me realize what I'll miss and even makes the job a little easier. Go figure. I'm not naive enough to think it's worth staying, though. I know when I've had enough, and this is it. *sigh* Sweet change. It's like a new life!

Alright, I'm out. Love, peace, and chicken grease! Later, y'all!

Update

Ok, really quickly, in case anyone reads this thing anymore, here's an update. The verdict passed via the parents is that I have to live on campus. Now it's just deciding where I can afford to live and when I'm going to quit. Some housing is waaaaay more expensive than others. We'll see. Peace out.

My Dilemma

So, serious props to me for posting for two consecutive days! Lol. I have a dilemma and I need advice and feedback and to just vent, so let me know what you think.

I'm burned out on being RA. I'm burned out with school, but I'm so close now that I can't quit. I'm seriously considering not being Resident Adviser after this Spring. I can't handle the workload with my schoolwork and feel like I'm not drowning in my own tears and sweat and blood. It's overwhelming and stressful and I'm tired of it. Yeah, my residents are okay people, but I don't like being around them all the time. They're not my friends. I have to maintain a professional appearance around them and feel like I can't quite be myself. There are perks, yes, but I can't do this anymore. I have days when I just want to pack my stuff, say "I quit," and throw in the towel. It doesn't help that I feel trapped, exhausted and at the end of my rope, but I still have so much farther to travel before I'm finished. I have no real friends except for Steve and a few of his friends and some mutual friends, and that bothers me. My close friends were awesome, but they're gone. I can't make time for them. Or they can't make time for me. Or maybe we're just not meant to make time for each other. I don't know. I'm lonely, but I can't make time for an outside life because I'm either working or doing school work. The responsible side of me won't let me go party and get drunk and high with the people I know (for which my parents are very thankful, I'm sure), and the crazy side is daring me to do something rash, to live and be bold. I'm at a loss, a dead end. I need something new. Something more. Here's the breakdown.

Problems with quitting: I can't afford an apartment; I would have to get another job; parents won't let me live with Steve; I don't have a working car; I would be a commuter student; I won't stay in a dorm and pay for it again; I love not having electricity and water bills to pay; I love having the Internet and cable for free and being 5 minutes away from my classes; I have a lot of stuff that would have to fit somewhere.

Perks to the job: free housing; steady paycheck; ... That's all I can really think of. And the pay's not even that great.

Problems with the job: I have a curfew; I have paperwork to do every week that's repetitive and boring; RC sheets (which would drive any normal person insane alone); meager paychecks; can't take days off when I'm sick without asking 50 million different people; have to hold new students' hands through the first semester; have to have random, pointless meetings; have to come up with ideas for and throw programs that people expect a good turnout for and never really matter; there are expectations for random things, like trying to get people to come hang out in the lobby just because "they" say we need to build a community; my wonderfully awesome boss is graduating and leaving us to the wolves; I can't handle the workload plus my required hours to graduate and maintain anything above a 3.5 GPA and keep my life and sanity, I'll have to quit in two long semesters anyway to do my student teaching.

I need help. I need advice. I need somebody to help me reason this mess out. I need a friend to tell me that my options could be worse and then tell me which one I can choose. I need my parents to open their eyes and see that I can't continue like this and either offer me a way out of the dorm or accept that I have no other alternative to staying at Steve's. I need to not be pressured from every direction to make a decision. I need to breathe. And I can't. I need something. I need help. Somebody? Anybody. Help me. Please.

Ahem...

Okay, so I know it's late, but I'm up, so I might as well post something. I'm on duty this weekend, which sucks, but it's manageable. I have a make-up test on Monday or Tuesday for my Political Science class and another test in psychology (which I've missed the past two classes). It's a big groan, but I can study tomorrow and do fine. I have patterns cut out for next year's Ren Fest costumes, so I'll be making those over the course of the next few weeks. I'm also looking into getting a new car with some help from Dad and Mom. It's a smart car (smartusa.com), and it's pretty cheap, so I hope it happens. My car is still dead. I have no idea where to begin repairs, so I guess it'll stay like that for a while. All of my friends want to "dispose" of it if I get a new car. Sledgehammers, paint balls, spray paint, etc. It would definitely be fun...

I promised pictures of Loki, so here's one for y'all!


This is Steve and Maggie.

Here's one of Maggie playing with Tora, the dog of a friend.


















Here's a squirrel hanging out on campus.



And here are a few flowers and a butterfly.















Lovely pictures, all taken on a friend's camera. With that, I'm going to bed. Goodnight! Love to all!

Loki

I have a kitty!!! We got her last night from a girl who goes to school with me. I found her on Facebook and we met the cat a couple of weeks ago. We decided last night would be a good time to get her, so we did. I watched her and Steve and I discussed names and came up with a list of possibilities. Loki was a late addition, but the one I liked best. Loki is the Norse god of mischief. According to one of the baby naming sites I searched, the meaning is as follows:

Loki is the mythical being of mischief in Norse mythology, a foster-brother of Odin. He is a trickster and a malicious figure who is selfish and greedy, although not necessarily evil as he also comes to the help of the gods in numerous occasions. Loki is reported as being a shape shifter, and with the power of traveling through the air.

I thought that was pretty cool. She's so precious! She's spunky, feisty, adventurous, fast, strong, and very playful. She's talkative and defensive when Maggie tries to get her. It's great! Anyway, I'll possibly post some pictures us when I can get them. Until then, have a good one!

More cliches

Wow! It's been over a month, huh? I know it's late, but I figured now is as good as any time to blog. A friend stopped by a little while ago and she's having some serious bf trouble. She wants to be able to afford a house and a good life and have a husband who can provide for her and that lifestyle. Her boyfriend of nearly 4 years just quit the prison and is working construction. She's afraid that he'll end up like her father and work himself to the bone to make ends meet and they'll have to live paycheck to paycheck. Or else, he'll be traveling to make the money and never be home with her. She wants answers from him, and he's not ready to give them. He's still young and settling down isn't really on his mind right now. He's 21. She's almost 22. They went to high school together, and they love each other, but she's dealing with things in her way and he's doing the same thing over 100 miles away. I guess it really must be tough. It makes me really thankful that Steve's in town with me and is working his way through school to make a better life for the possibility of a future us instead of feeling like a wandering soul and not knowing what to do next. She needs guidance, and for once I can't give the words of wisdom needed. I used to be good at that. Still am, actually, but this is much bigger than me. In a few more years, I'll know what to say. As of right now, I have no idea. I guess we'll have to wait it out. I told her to make sure he was worth it. Her time, the wait, the possibility of moving around until he's ready to settle down and plant roots. She also wants to live in here, and he hates it. He's more into small towns and little communities. She likes bigger places where the beauty salons and convenience stores have more to talk about than her personal life. Tough choices. Rock and a hard place, maybe? I just don't know. Thoughts? Comments? Observations? Anybody still out there?

Jumbled Ramblings of a Not-So-Stable Mind

I really just want to vent to no one in particular. I'm tired. My office and room are both a mess. I still don't have a car. I'm STILL going through this auditing stuff with Financial Aid. I'm ready for training to be over and check-ins to be over so I can have a semi-normal life. I miss time with my boyfriend. I miss playing with the dog. I don't miss the dog's hair, but that's something we just deal with. I'm making friends with my staff team, so that's cool, but it's not really enough to counteract the frazzled state I'm in. I don't want to help my fellow RAs because none of them helped me. I don't want their help because I like to do things my own way. I hate being the one out of the loop, but I have a life and things to take care of. I have plans for my days. Usually those plans include sleep. My cameras should be in tomorrow, so that's a perk. I hope everything's fixed so I can start taking pictures. Apparently Dad was supposed to talk to me about the cameras, but I haven't heard from him since this weekend. I guess I'll call him tomorrow. My computer's retarded. I know, it's pretty much random rambling, but I'm all jumbled up--hence the title--about life that it's hard for me to focus. It's bedtime. Seriously. I will actually make it to bed tonight before 3 am. So excited! I miss a normal life. Sometimes I wonder if this job is really worth it. I need to win the lottery or something so I don't need loans and can pay for school and a house and for things to be all fixed and wonderful. Too bad you have to actually play the lottery to win.

Better Late Than Never

Well, I know it's been a long while, but I guess it takes a few bad days to make you realize what you need to do. I need a break. I've known this for a while. But I can't really do anything about it. I'm in college. My parents make me feel like there is no break until I get out. A friend told me I should take a semester off. He doesn't understand what it's like. This life. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm busy. I think I might be going crazy. Yeah, it's my own fault. I know this, too. I accept positions. I take on extra work. People put me in a position of power or responsibility and I realize I expect more of myself than anyone else does. I'm "working" right now. My easy show. The last night. My hard show is tomorrow night. And the next night. We still haven't finished perfecting the cues and I feel like I need to cry. I want to take a break, a vacation, but those don't happen anymore. I can't do this. I won't do it again. I just need a rest. Will that ever come?

A Lot Happening

Hey everybody!!! It's the end of April! Can you believe it? A lot of things have happened so far this year, though I guess they are rather insignificant when compared to global issues and whatnot. A bridge collapsed yesterday in California. No deaths. Some crazy Korean dude shot up Virginia Tech. 32 deaths, including the shooter. I turned 20! And I played in some intense rain today! I lost my grandfather on the 18th. No more "blood" grandparents left. I didn't make the funeral. I had my very first surprise party on the 26th! I had some awesome lobster, crab, and shrimp with the family on Friday. Saturday was my kinda surprise party. Had a few friends over to Steve's, ate cake, had ice cream, played games. Sunday, we did it all again, only we went to the friends' house and ate, played games, and had fun. Good stuff. And bad stuff. Finals are coming up, and I'm stressed out. I've gained at least ten pounds this semester. But I have an amazing boyfriend and a group of wonderfully amazing and fantastic friends. Tomorrow is an award ceremony for excellence in writing (I was nominated by a professor), Wednesday is the RA banquet, to which we're wearing our prom dresses, and Thursday is a mandatory honor's meeting. Second class is canceled Wednesday. Third class is canceled Thursday. No class on Friday. It's dead day. Something may or may not happen on May 7th here at Sam. We shall see. It's been a semi-stressful, semi-eventful day. The kind that adds stress but doesn't get much accomplished. I have no idea when I'm going to get a break. I just want to sleep for a few days. I just want to do absolutely nothing and it be alright. Will that ever happen again? I miss childhood, when things were simple and beautiful in their childish intensity.

Spring Break Plans

It's so almost Spring Break!!! Only one more day until freedom! Tonight I'm on duty, which means I can't go anywhere, but it's alright. I'll do my homework for tomorrow, clean my room, pack my bags, and possibly even load my car. I have to do room checks tomorrow night, then Steve and I are leaving for Fort Worth on Saturday. I'll leave my car at his place and ride up there with him. We're staying at his brother's apartment. It should be fun. Everything I know about his family is really good, so I'm looking forward to the visit. We'll head back to my house on Tuesday. Should be fun. I'll let y'all know how things go. Have a good one!

February

Hello everyone! I have no idea who all comes here anymore, but here's the latest for those of you who care.

Valentine's Day was wonderful with Steve. We went to dinner at Olive Garden and saw some dumb movie in the Woodlands. We're still happily together. It'll be four months on the 3rd. Woohoo! I'm incredibly happy with our relationship and with Steve. He makes me feel beautiful, special, precious, and loved. Yes, he loves me. And I love him. It's a beautiful thing.

I have a new very good friend. Her name is Pam, too! We have a ton in common and I enjoy talking to her and listening to her talk. We are Pam [squared] at work. We go on rounds together and have a blast hanging out. We're going to be work-out buddies starting today, so that should be fun.

Steve's going on vacation on the 3rd and will be off for three weeks, so we're going to Fort Worth for the first few days of Spring Break, then off to my house for the rest of it. I'll see his parents and siblings (all three of them: one older brother - Robert, and two younger sisters - Tabitha and Ashley), plus his friends from high school. We also have to stop by Emily's aunt's house to visit. I met Emily's aunt and uncle when they were down helping Emily move stuff, and they like me a lot, plus they live within a few miles of where Steve went to high school, so he says it's no big deal to swing by and say hi.

Let's see... Other than that, the job keeps me busy, as do all of my classes. I have a crazy homework load, so I have to be very careful with my time management in order to get all of my assignments done. I've been doing alright, though. I'm making it. And making A's, to boot. I have to do some sketches tonight, but everything else is finished.

Ok, that's all I have to report for now. No profound thoughts, no interesting stories. They're all pretty routine nowadays. Have a nice day!

A New Beginning

2007. Can you believe some people said we'd never make it this far? Boy, were they wrong. Well, they were wrong about the whole "flying cars" thing, too. We're not holding grudges or taking score, so I guess it's all gravy.

My new position as RA has started out well. I went through training and learned quite a bit, made it through meetings, duties, and getting to know my coworkers with no troubles, and even called in a work order. Most of my job is self-explanatory paperwork. I know my kids and I know how to deal with people, so I'm not really as worried about things as I was. This should be fun.

I have a cold. Or something. Whatever it is, my nose is stuffy, I'm draining enough to cough, but with minimal results, I wake up without the ability to work my vocal cords, and I have pressure slowly building below my eye. I'll get some medicine today.

Yesterday was full of fun. Steve took me to dinner and a movie, then we went to supper with some friends to celebrate Cindy's birthday. (Cindy is one of Steve's coworkers.) We went to Main Event, which is a gaming place, and played Laser Tag (my new favorite game), bowled a few games, and hung out for a while. I came home and did rounds with Pam, the other RA, and that was very enlightening. Dinner was TGI Friday's and supper was Red Robin. All in all a very good day.

This semester, I'm taking three writing-enhanced English classes, two theater classes, and one writing-enhanced honors seminar. Please tell me I'm not suicidal.

In other news, I got my refund back, I purchased a meal plan for the semester, and cold clam-strips are not very good. Ryan is fine, though he's packing to move somewhere. Germany, hopefully.

I had a dream last night that Steve started playing World of Warcraft and didn't have time for me anymore. I left. Now I'm afraid that I'll take a backseat in his life. I don't think I could handle that. Not after these past two months of his unwavering attention. Now, don't get me wrong, I know his friends and family will be a major part of his life, and that's fine. I just don't want to be overshadowed by a video game. It was just a dream, but it felt too real for me to be comfortable with it. We'll see how things turn out after the computer comes.

Dad called at 730 this morning and woke me up. Then Jenna called me at about 1030 and woke me up again. Oh well. I'll sleep tonight.

Alright, time to head to the office. Talk to y'all later.