Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Update

Ok, really quickly, in case anyone reads this thing anymore, here's an update. The verdict passed via the parents is that I have to live on campus. Now it's just deciding where I can afford to live and when I'm going to quit. Some housing is waaaaay more expensive than others. We'll see. Peace out.

Monday, October 29, 2007

My Dilemma

So, serious props to me for posting for two consecutive days! Lol. I have a dilemma and I need advice and feedback and to just vent, so let me know what you think.

I'm burned out on being RA. I'm burned out with school, but I'm so close now that I can't quit. I'm seriously considering not being Resident Adviser after this Spring. I can't handle the workload with my schoolwork and feel like I'm not drowning in my own tears and sweat and blood. It's overwhelming and stressful and I'm tired of it. Yeah, my residents are okay people, but I don't like being around them all the time. They're not my friends. I have to maintain a professional appearance around them and feel like I can't quite be myself. There are perks, yes, but I can't do this anymore. I have days when I just want to pack my stuff, say "I quit," and throw in the towel. It doesn't help that I feel trapped, exhausted and at the end of my rope, but I still have so much farther to travel before I'm finished. I have no real friends except for Steve and a few of his friends and some mutual friends, and that bothers me. My close friends were awesome, but they're gone. I can't make time for them. Or they can't make time for me. Or maybe we're just not meant to make time for each other. I don't know. I'm lonely, but I can't make time for an outside life because I'm either working or doing school work. The responsible side of me won't let me go party and get drunk and high with the people I know (for which my parents are very thankful, I'm sure), and the crazy side is daring me to do something rash, to live and be bold. I'm at a loss, a dead end. I need something new. Something more. Here's the breakdown.

Problems with quitting: I can't afford an apartment; I would have to get another job; parents won't let me live with Steve; I don't have a working car; I would be a commuter student; I won't stay in a dorm and pay for it again; I love not having electricity and water bills to pay; I love having the Internet and cable for free and being 5 minutes away from my classes; I have a lot of stuff that would have to fit somewhere.

Perks to the job: free housing; steady paycheck; ... That's all I can really think of. And the pay's not even that great.

Problems with the job: I have a curfew; I have paperwork to do every week that's repetitive and boring; RC sheets (which would drive any normal person insane alone); meager paychecks; can't take days off when I'm sick without asking 50 million different people; have to hold new students' hands through the first semester; have to have random, pointless meetings; have to come up with ideas for and throw programs that people expect a good turnout for and never really matter; there are expectations for random things, like trying to get people to come hang out in the lobby just because "they" say we need to build a community; my wonderfully awesome boss is graduating and leaving us to the wolves; I can't handle the workload plus my required hours to graduate and maintain anything above a 3.5 GPA and keep my life and sanity, I'll have to quit in two long semesters anyway to do my student teaching.

I need help. I need advice. I need somebody to help me reason this mess out. I need a friend to tell me that my options could be worse and then tell me which one I can choose. I need my parents to open their eyes and see that I can't continue like this and either offer me a way out of the dorm or accept that I have no other alternative to staying at Steve's. I need to not be pressured from every direction to make a decision. I need to breathe. And I can't. I need something. I need help. Somebody? Anybody. Help me. Please.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Ahem...

Okay, so I know it's late, but I'm up, so I might as well post something. I'm on duty this weekend, which sucks, but it's manageable. I have a make-up test on Monday or Tuesday for my Political Science class and another test in psychology (which I've missed the past two classes). It's a big groan, but I can study tomorrow and do fine. I have patterns cut out for next year's Ren Fest costumes, so I'll be making those over the course of the next few weeks. I'm also looking into getting a new car with some help from Dad and Mom. It's a smart car (smartusa.com), and it's pretty cheap, so I hope it happens. My car is still dead. I have no idea where to begin repairs, so I guess it'll stay like that for a while. All of my friends want to "dispose" of it if I get a new car. Sledgehammers, paint balls, spray paint, etc. It would definitely be fun...

I promised pictures of Loki, so here's one for y'all!


This is Steve and Maggie.















Here's one of Maggie playing with Tora, the dog of a friend.


















Here's a squirrel hanging out on campus.



And here are a few flowers and a butterfly.















Lovely pictures, all taken on a friend's camera. With that, I'm going to bed. Goodnight! Love to all!