As Promised

Well, news, news, and more news. Heathykins knew this was coming, so I'm so sure he was holding his breath. Lol.

Dad reads my blog. I knew this, but it didn't quite register when I posted. So, big shocker, I IMed him last night to tell him about buying my new computer (which he wasn't too happy about) and he told me this: "I've always told you the truth, so I read your blog. Don't follow your hormones. Follow your heart and let God lead you in any new relationships and whatever you do at school. Focus on classes first." That was actually my paraphrasing, because I can't quote it word for word, but I really almost cried when I read that. I felt so much better!

I talked to him today. Greg, the guy from the previous post. I told him that he could hate me and I would understand, but that I just want to be friends. He said ok and hung up. He called me back a few minutes later and asked me if I was serious about being friends or if it was just a "cop out". I told him that I was serious. So we discussed how we were gonna handle this and talked for a while just like before, and we're cool now. I feel SO much better! Thanks for your advice, guys and gals. So I have a new friend and no relationship. And now I know to be straightforward at the very beginning about where I stand on what I'm looking for in a guy. Right now, that's nothing serious.

So I'm good. Yay! Classes are going great, life is pretty much on track, and, with the exception of our mirror falling off of the door at 4 in the morning, life is just wonderful. I realized last night that I LOVE to draw. I drew a little Chinese village and it was pronounced as "awesome" by our house artist. I drew a dragon that "rocks", also according to the house artist. Jessica is her name, btw. My roommate and I are getting along and my suite-mates and house-mates are so TOTALLY GREAT!!! Anyway, I appreciate thoughts and prayers. Love and hugs!

The Truth

Ok, here I am, spilling my guts. Honest. And I need advice. Quick. There's this guy. We met and hit it off last Monday and saw each other the next day and the next, etc., and then again today. And yeah, we kissed, but nothing else. But I don't know what to do about this. I don't feel comfortable with the relationship. I can talk to him about anything, more so than any other guy, but I don't feel like we should be anything more than friends. He's supportive and sweet and friendly and a theatre major, like me. But he's mixed. And he's kinda chunky. And his voice is higher than mine. Shouldn't I be blind to any flaws in an ideal relationship? My gut instinct is to say "no" to the whole situation and run. I'm not comfortable and I'm not at peace. But I don't want to lose something so great that is his infatuation with me. I feel accepted and beautiful with him. But I don't know if I want to be seen with him. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm trying to be as straight-forward as possible. Mixed, for those of you who need clarification, means that one parent is white and the other is black. In this case, his mom is Irish-Indian and his dad is 3/4 black and 1/4 Mexican. With my own personal standards and views, I don't honestly feel comfortable as his "attachment". For whatever reason. I'm not racist by any means, but racial mixing... I really don't know what to do. I'm confused, overwhelmed, and very uneasy about everything right now. I'm SOOO not ready for this. So, help? Advice? Tips, ideas, suggestions, or previous experiences? I'm lost and I don't know where else to turn. I know, sob story of the month, but I'm lost. I'm almost in tears. I told him I want to take the weekend off and he SAID he was cool with it, but he's a guy. So that prolly means he's not cool with it. 'Nough said. I'm not ready for this, I'm not read for any commitment outside of classes and friends and sleep. I'm going to bed now after some thought and prayer. This weekend will be my time to just be. I haven't "been" since I got here. Man, this is so screwed up. What now?

Distracted...

Hey all! How's it goin' in the world of the normal? My life is pretty peachy right now. Acting I is going to be so much fun! English is really awesome because we get to have group discussions. Science is dominantly geology for the semester. Yay, right? I'm gonna have to take serious notes for the science class. But that's ok. I don't have to buy a lab manual after all, so that's cool. I still need 6 novels for English, but I'll order those online. I have the first one I need, so I'm pretty much all set for now. Don't know about history, but that'll fix itself tomorrow.

Being a theater major is a lot more complicated than I thought it would be. I have to audition for every production and deliver a monologue. Which I don't have. And I have to sign up for crew and hope I get the place I want. I didn't know it was going to b so involved and it's a little frustrating. I have meetings and auditions today and tomorrow. Fun fun. Might stay out late tonight cuz my first class isn't until 11 tomorrow. I guess I'll hang out with Greg, if he ever calls. Or maybe Lisa or Heather or April... Or maybe even DJ. Well, I'm slightly distracted and preoccupied, so excuse the shortness. Later all! Love and hugs.

COLLEGE!

Hey all! Word from tha COLLEGE GIRL!!! Hehe. I stayed up really late last night, had a fairly productive morning this morning, and plan on havaing some fun later tonight. Gonna maybe go back to my cousin's apartment and chill with her and her buds. Met my suitemates and housemates. All very cool, lemme tell ya. April, Colorado, Heather LA (Louisiana, not Los Angeles), and all of the crazy, eccentric, smart guys down the hall. Then there are the guys from the apartments accross campus, my friends from school, and so many more random people worth meeting... I don't know where I'm gonna find the time to meet all of these people! I'm so excited! I'm so glad to FINALLY be at college! Yay! Whoo, deep breath. I'm gonna order my own computer soon, but I think I'll wait until after I get the money from my cow. After the cow sale. Anywho, I'm super excited, all unpacked, and so happy! So, I'll talk to y'all later. Love and hugs to all!

Today's Anthem

Breakaway
Intro (2x)
Da da da n da da
Da da da n da da
Da da da n da da da da da
Da da da n da da
Da da da n da da
Da da da n da da da da da
Grew up in a small town And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray, I could break away
CHORUS
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
(repeat intro once)
Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane
Far away
And break away
(REPEAT CHORUS)
Bridge:
Buildings with a hundred floors,
Swinging 'round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But I gotta keep movin on, movin on,
Fly away,
Break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
Take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness & into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.

D-Day

Today is the day! We're moving in! I'm SOO pumped! But I'm riding over there with Mom and I'm afraid she's gonna spaz on me about being careful and making right choices and all that jazz. I don't think I could handle her crying all of the way. Connie, her co-worker said yesterday that I need to be nice to her, that she's taking this really hard. And she is. Harder than she took my brother moving to college. What am I gonna do? Pray for me, that I'll have patience and strength and the courage to tell her how things are and not be rude or impolite. I'm worried just thinking about it...

College update

Hey all. My address, for those of you interested in reaching me via snail-mail, is:
Pam the Spatula
Box 44860 SHSU
Huntsville, TX 77341

I heard from my roommate. She seems pretty cool, very friendly. She's a junior, dance major, and in the honors program, like me. We're in the honors dorm, so that's kind of a given. She's bringing the TV, VCR, and DVD player, and I'm bringing the phone, fridge, radio, and shower cleaner. We'll pick out curtains when we both get there so we agree on colors, etc. I'm soo pumped!!! 3 days left!

Good One

You gotta love their humor.

In case you can't read it, the little black box says "DOING THE WORK OF"

This SHOULD be on the front cover of Time, Newsweek, etc. But it won't be. The flags are France, Germany, and Russia -- in case you didn't know.

I got this in an email and just HAD to share. Love and hugs!

Freedom

I've decided that I'm not really shallow but rather that there are things in my life I've learned not to dwell on if I want to be happy. Or at least appear happy to all who look at me and my behavior. But I really think about serious things of consequence quite often. Like how Mom is freaking out because I'm moving away to college. And Dad is really having some trouble with the cow stuff. And Derek has to decide what he wants to do with his life before he really knows what he wants. And Brandy is having a tough time facing college and allowing herself to have the love she deserves from Derek. Somehow I don't feel as shallow when I examine my thoughts, only my posts.

I'm sitting here watching the baby (18 months now, he's fine, btw, just allergic to penicillin) play with puzzle pieces in a bag. He's shaking them up and down with the happiest look on his face; he loves the fact that he's making all of that noise. Somehow it's more relaxing watching just him than watching his older brother, too. I guess 5 just isn't the calmest age.

I'm beginning to get really excited about college. And my poor stomach is feeling the effects. I'm absolutely pumped at the chance to get to really be myself to the utmost. In high school I was always restricted by what might get back to Mom and Dad or what image I was conveying in light of Derek's friend circle and popularity. I wasn't worried about being part of a particular group but rather being part of every group. I was and am confident in my ability to float from group to group and be welcome in each one. I was never proved wrong. But now, as I turn this page in my life I see the endless possibilities.

No longer am I to be bound by the worry of prejudices and judgment. I am dedicated to my own cause. I won't change or back down just because someone says so. And changing will be from personal growth, hopefully spherical in nature. I know I sound a little like a spoiled child, but I am in fact a growing young woman desiring the freedom meted out by our great country and demanded by my own soul. But don't worry; it's not in me to be completely and totally selfish.

The "real" me is a very silly, super-outgoing, sometimes loud, sometimes quiet little soul that very few have glimpsed so far. My orientation buddies have seen it, but only I know just how bizarre I can be. Fortunately, it's never so extreme that I can't laugh about any reactions that I would've presented in retrospect.

An interesting thought: if we wouldn't have been brought up to expect those rights and freedoms granted us by our constitution, would any of us be the brilliant minds to come up with the ideas and to demand allowance for them?

Here's an interesting and rather off the wall observation. Carl, the assistant band director either has a serious blushing problem, I embarrass him, or he likes me/thinks I'm pretty. I'm not brazen enough to ask outright, but I can't help but wonder. He doesn't do it with everybody. He did when he first started working here, but not anymore. Just around me. Sorry, that was just a random stream of consciousness.

I don't know when I've ever been this excited, except maybe when I started Kindergarten. But I already knew most of what they could teach me. College is like the information highway and school as just the on-ramp. Eventually I'll exit onto the feeder* of my profession and enter the residential district to raise a family. But I'll always have access to the things I've learned and things yet to be discovered.

I recently stated that God has given me direction, and while that's true, it's not what I always thought it would be. It's more like watching doors close and turning another direction rather than force the door. It's like a process of elimination. At least I'm at peace.

The burdens of my life somehow seem lifted, leaving me incredibly free and high-spirited. It's been a really long post and I hope it made you laugh at least once. And thank y'all for reading, though I can't quite figure out why y'all hang around. :D

*Feeder: the road that runs parallel to an interstate or major highway and immediately exits onto city streets.

Yaupon Trees

Do y'all remember a while back advising me to go out and just sit in the woods and calm my soul? Well, I did, in a way. I went out in search of a yaupon tree to make a bow out of. (Not a very useful venture.) I found a pretty little straight tree and cut it down with an axe I had borrowed from Dad's shed and proceeded to measure, trim, and “peel” it. I don't know how much experience y'all have with yaupon, but if you don't get all of the saturated wood off of the tree it turns this nice greenish-brown color. But it carves right off, just another layer of wood. Well, inside this little tree there were veins. I don't know what else to call them, and that's what they looked like. They're a rich brown color to contrast the pale cream color of the freshly carved wood. They start in various places and grow smaller as they proceed up the tree. But new veins start periodically just as big as the lower ones. I realized this after working on the first two layers for about 45 minutes. So I set to exposing these veins. I found two main ones and followed them up the tree. It was a painstaking process to carve out just enough to expose the richest color without removing the entire vein in each place. I actually went through too far in several spots and there are little half-centimeter gaps in the path. But it was very rewarding work. I set it in the rafters to dry and might go out and find a bigger one to work on next Saturday. I’m really glad I had that chance. It’s very cool to find hidden treasures in nature. Just thought that was worth mentioning. Love and hugs. Toodles y’all.

Smells and Labels

Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory. So, here are my faves: babies; fresh-cut grass; horses; guys (except for one or two I've met); men's cologne; vanilla; cape jasmine; gardenia; spearmint; lemon; roses; hot dogs; pickles; fresh tomatoes; rain; dirt; new cars; summer – heat, sweat, sunscreen, floaties, riding in the boat in the lake with the spray hitting my face, homemade ice cream, new flip-flops, watermelon, new bathing suits, sand, the ocean, food on the grill; crayons; sunflower seeds; clean clothes fresh out of the dryer; pizza; kool-aid. I'm all out of smells. Anybody got any more?

I have this awesome costume planned for the Ren Fest this year. But I need some help with the name. I'm going to be Dragonfly (sorry Porkchop), but I don't know if I’m going to be an elf or a nymph. I could just be Dragonfly of the woods, but that's kinda lame. Here's what I'm thinking. A two-sided cape, one side brown, like dirt or trees, and one side green, like grass and leaves, etc. A tank top for the base and mesh or sheer fabric in earth tones in layers on the top, with the bottom edges cut like leaves. A skirt about mid-thigh would be the base for the bottom, with the same layered cover as the top and brown leggings under the skirt. Brown or green boots or black ballet flats, a dragonfly necklace and ring to match, possibly earrings, (silver with a green stone, leather string on the necklace), a brown leather belt with a soft, pliable drawstring bag and leather wrist-bands will accentuate the outfit. A wooden bow, arrows with suction cups on the ends (so I can shoot people), a boot dagger, and possibly a sword will eventually complete the look. So, now that you have an idea, back to the dilemma. A nymph, by definition, is a lesser goddess, portrayed as a beautiful girl, inhabiting fountains, trees, rivers, and mountains. An elf, by definition, is a little creature of folklore with magic power, often mischievous or malicious, but sometimes kind and helpful. Pixie, imp, sprite, fairy, dryad, goblin, leprechaun, brownie, demon, gremlin, hobgoblin, troll, and gnome are all names that the thesaurus lists as antonyms. Help, anyone?

Just to help you decide, here are a few more definitions. Pixie: a small, mischievous elf or fairy; imp: a little or young devil a mischievous sprite; sprite: a fairy, and elf; fairy: a small supernatural being, capable of intervening in human affairs, usually in order to help; dryad: a nymph living in a tree; goblin: a mischievous, ugly spirit; leprechaun: a small mischievous male sprite; brownie: a good-natured goblin supposed to do helpful chores at night; demon: an evil spirit or devil; gremlin: an imaginary mischievous little gnome-like creature blamed especially by airmen for mishaps; hobgoblin: a mischievous male sprite; troll: one of the supernatural beings, formerly thought of as giants, but later as dwarfs, inhabiting caves, hills, etc.; gnome: a member of a race of small misshapen imaginary beings, originally guardians of the earth's subterranean treasures a goblin or dwarf. I think that knocks out leprechaun and hobgoblin, and I really think demon, too. I'm not going to be evil. Aight, it's up to my wonderful devoted audience to decide my fate. :p So, comment away!

Good One

You probably missed it in the rush of news last week (?), but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published an ad in a newspaper offering a reward to anyone who killed an American ... any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is so they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!)

An American may be English, French, Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian, or Greek.

An American may be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Arab, Pakistani, or even Afghan.

An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as Native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim.

In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.
The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the right of each person to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need.

When the Soviet army overran Afghanistan 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!

As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.

Americans welcome the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, and the best athletes. But they also welcome the least of these.

The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America.

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must.

Hitler tried.

So did Tojo, Stalin, Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world.

But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Australian author unknown.

News and Stuff

Hey all. A few new developments. My big bro is talking about joining the Coast Guard. Don't know where he got the idea, except that he's always wanted to fly. I think it's pretty cool, and Mom likes it a whole lot better than if he was to join another branch where deployment to the sandbox would be guaranteed. Hey, she's his mom, and he's her only son.

Other than that, my schedule is completely wacky this week. I babysat yesterday and Monday, (but yesterday was more like a fun day with an 8-year-old) I'm off today, and I have to work tomorrow and Friday. Tomorrow I don't have to be there until 2 pm. Friday is regular time. Go figure. We were going to go watch "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", but the matinee didn't start until 1, wouldn't have been over until 3, and then we wouldn't have made it home in time for her to go to karate class. Long day. Went and dropped a car full of stuff off at Goodwill, went to Wal-Mart, went to McDonald's, went to the high school to visit a few teachers I’ll miss when I'm off at college, saw my old counselor, then went down to the middle school to drop my charge off with her mom. Now, mind you, these things were in two different towns, about a 30 minute drive apart with a stop at my house, which is right in the middle, on the way back. We stopped at my house and watched "Chicken Run" and ate pizza and candy from Wal-Mart.

Then I went to Mema's for a visit and to see a dress she had ordered but didn't like. She wanted to know if I wanted it before she sent it back. It was too short for my taste and a little unflattering, but it was a cute dress in a very pretty green. I was almost sorry to let it go, but I knew I would never wear it. A friend of mine saw my car and brought her baby by to see me and visit. The baby as SOO cute! He's 7 months old and only weighs about 20 lbs. He drools like a leaky faucet, but he's still precious.

As I sit here typing this, (I typed this a day before I actually posted it, so I'm typing in future tense) my brother and father are wrestling on the floor. Very interesting. Derek is bright red and Dad is calmly overpowering him by sheer mass. This is what we do in the boondocks. Wrestle while trying to dodge dogs and chairs and breakable things after Mom goes to bed. Anybody know where I'm coming from on this one?

All of my childhood Derek and I have wrestled with Dad and each other and his friends. In fact, about half of his friends are still a little scared of me because I never hesitated to haul off and punch 'em when they deserved it. That makes for a rather difficult situation to change. No boyfriends from that particular group of his buddies. But the memories are rather priceless. Hangin out with his buddies was always more fun than hanging out by myself. In fact, I often found that I preferred doing stuff with them over stuff with girls my age. Most of the guys were only a year older than me, so the age difference wasn't a barrier. Derek didn't exactly welcome my presence, but playing guy games like Fort and War and Hunters and all of the other nameless creations of our imaginations was the highlight of my summers.

I never really lived up to my tomboy potential unless I was spurred by the presence of a boy/guy/man who is interested in gross guy things like frogs and bugs or a really girly-girl who found such things absolutely disgusting. I don't do the bug thing when I'm alone or with my best friends, and I had never in my life picked up a frog on my own until about a month ago at my uncle's house. Heh. I'm kinda weird. I know. My best friends are an interesting combination of fear and courage, wisdom and stupidity, and girlishness and tom-boyishness. But that's why we get along so well. I guess my friendships are, as everything else acquired of my own volition, eclectic.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I tend to have sudden bursts of self-discovery and I just happen to share them here. So bear with me and feel free to comment and suggest as always. Love and hugs! (Is that better Heathykins?)