Freedom

I've decided that I'm not really shallow but rather that there are things in my life I've learned not to dwell on if I want to be happy. Or at least appear happy to all who look at me and my behavior. But I really think about serious things of consequence quite often. Like how Mom is freaking out because I'm moving away to college. And Dad is really having some trouble with the cow stuff. And Derek has to decide what he wants to do with his life before he really knows what he wants. And Brandy is having a tough time facing college and allowing herself to have the love she deserves from Derek. Somehow I don't feel as shallow when I examine my thoughts, only my posts.

I'm sitting here watching the baby (18 months now, he's fine, btw, just allergic to penicillin) play with puzzle pieces in a bag. He's shaking them up and down with the happiest look on his face; he loves the fact that he's making all of that noise. Somehow it's more relaxing watching just him than watching his older brother, too. I guess 5 just isn't the calmest age.

I'm beginning to get really excited about college. And my poor stomach is feeling the effects. I'm absolutely pumped at the chance to get to really be myself to the utmost. In high school I was always restricted by what might get back to Mom and Dad or what image I was conveying in light of Derek's friend circle and popularity. I wasn't worried about being part of a particular group but rather being part of every group. I was and am confident in my ability to float from group to group and be welcome in each one. I was never proved wrong. But now, as I turn this page in my life I see the endless possibilities.

No longer am I to be bound by the worry of prejudices and judgment. I am dedicated to my own cause. I won't change or back down just because someone says so. And changing will be from personal growth, hopefully spherical in nature. I know I sound a little like a spoiled child, but I am in fact a growing young woman desiring the freedom meted out by our great country and demanded by my own soul. But don't worry; it's not in me to be completely and totally selfish.

The "real" me is a very silly, super-outgoing, sometimes loud, sometimes quiet little soul that very few have glimpsed so far. My orientation buddies have seen it, but only I know just how bizarre I can be. Fortunately, it's never so extreme that I can't laugh about any reactions that I would've presented in retrospect.

An interesting thought: if we wouldn't have been brought up to expect those rights and freedoms granted us by our constitution, would any of us be the brilliant minds to come up with the ideas and to demand allowance for them?

Here's an interesting and rather off the wall observation. Carl, the assistant band director either has a serious blushing problem, I embarrass him, or he likes me/thinks I'm pretty. I'm not brazen enough to ask outright, but I can't help but wonder. He doesn't do it with everybody. He did when he first started working here, but not anymore. Just around me. Sorry, that was just a random stream of consciousness.

I don't know when I've ever been this excited, except maybe when I started Kindergarten. But I already knew most of what they could teach me. College is like the information highway and school as just the on-ramp. Eventually I'll exit onto the feeder* of my profession and enter the residential district to raise a family. But I'll always have access to the things I've learned and things yet to be discovered.

I recently stated that God has given me direction, and while that's true, it's not what I always thought it would be. It's more like watching doors close and turning another direction rather than force the door. It's like a process of elimination. At least I'm at peace.

The burdens of my life somehow seem lifted, leaving me incredibly free and high-spirited. It's been a really long post and I hope it made you laugh at least once. And thank y'all for reading, though I can't quite figure out why y'all hang around. :D

*Feeder: the road that runs parallel to an interstate or major highway and immediately exits onto city streets.