Yeah, I know, it's been a while.

Hey guys! I know it's been a while, as usual, but here we are, once again. I love my job! It's lots of fun and, while it can be frustrating, I make awesome tips.

I have an email buddy in the Army. He's stationed in Afghanistan. We exchange messages about once a day and talk about everything from physics to the weather. He's a lot of fun. He's a friend's older brother. Very cool, 25, named Ryan. Anyway, that keeps me busy nowadays.

It's hot in Texas, y'all. And humid. Pity us who work outside.

I'm really all empty on news, so I'll close by saying I hope y'all are having great summers and I'll talk to ya soon!

Very fluffy cats.

Job!!!

I got a job!!! At Sonic! The manager, named Pam, called me this morning and asked if I still was interested, so I said yes and she said I start today at 3! Woohoo! Wish me luck!

It's Independence Day!

Well, happy Independence Day! It always strikes me as sad when this day rolls around and we still have men and women fighting for that same freedom we declared so many years ago. Seems like an injustice of sorts. I guess that's the way life is. Always striving to hold on to what we've got and somehow get more, too. Special prayers are going up for all of our folks overseas, and I sure hope they feel 'em. Hope everybody gets the chance to pop a few fireworks, eat something off the grill, get nice and messy from watermelon seed-spittin' contests, and see family and friends all smiles today. Love and hugs!

M&D

Hey! Special congrats go out to Mom and Dad on this their 22nd anniversary! Whoa! 22 years! Hope y'all have fun going out tonight! They have plans to go eat dinner this evening, so that should be good for them. As for me, I have plans to do... well, I'm scraping the house so I can paint it, and just kind of hanging out at the house. I'm applying for a job at Sonic soon, so hopefully that'll work out. Other than that, I've got thoughts like crazy, but there's no way I'm ready to tell Y'ALL about them :p so chill out. Hope everybody had a great week!

Wal-Mart

Ok, so we went to Wal-Mart to get toilet paper and some ice cream this evening, and, as we were walking down the aisle, a skinny black man stopped me and asked my name. I told him, "Pam" and kept walking. No biggie. I figured he was kinda off. He then proceeded to follow me down the aisle and told me he had never seen a white girl built quite like me. I understood what he meant, as that's not the first time someone has made a comment on my "ghetto booty," but it was rather unexpected. We laughed and kept walking while his coworker told him to behave himself and get back to his register. This was at the back of the store. As we were checking out, back at the front, he not only noticed me again, but pointed me out to several customers! I was almost embarrassed, but one of the guys standing there while he made whatever comments gave me a look that said he understood and not to worry about it. So, that's my oh-so-interesting Wal-Mart story. Great to be back n Huntsville, huh? :p

In Response

Well, first off, thanks for your prayers. I should've updated this last week, but things have been hectic. Mema passed away Sunday, June 4th at 7:20 PM. She's now in a much better place, and, while we'll miss her, we're happy for her at the same time. We're all doing alright. The funeral was very... interesting. There were a few glitches in the music, but we all know Mema would've been cracking up, so we didn't really mind. We had a ton of family down, and some even stayed for a few days to keep Grandpa company, so that was a blessing. I finally got a chance to get to know my cousins. And an aunt. So that was great. Unfortunate circumstances, but I'll take what I can get. I'm going to miss her very much, especially since she knew all of my secrets and gave awesome advice, but she won the race and beat us all to heaven, so I'll see her again.

We had Vacation Bible School last week, so I was very busy and rather tired. I spent every evening with my family and then got up early to teach Pre-K from 8:45-12:30. It was tons of fun, but I'm glad it's all over. I'm tired, and I really want a vacation. A real one, with a change of scenery and friends and the open road and all that. Unfortunately I don't see that happening. Ever. This promises to be a very long and boring summer. Oh well. I'll make do somehow.

Thanks for your prayers, and I hope you're all doing well! Chad, I think the movie has enough action to keep your interest, so give it a shot. Or just let Carrie get her girls together and have a movie night. Be sure to supply lots of Kleenex!

Prayers

Hey guys. Once again I have a very serious prayer request. My Mema. She's not doing well. We have family down from Illinois, and our whole little group here. Her brother, her sister, her husband, all three of her children, and 4 of her 7 grandchildren. She took a turn the other day we thought might be her last. As of right now, she's looking a little better than she has since yesterday morning, but it's an hour by hour thing. We're all just waiting. That's all we can do. But the point of this is to request prayer. We'd love for her to get better and stick around for a while, but we don't want her to suffer. It's a hard thing to realize, and it's a hard thing to watch. My grandmother. Dad's mom. Your thoughts and prayers would be appreciated. Thanks y'all. Love and hugs.

Tristan + Isolde Quotes

My face in thine eyes,
Thine in mine appears.
And true plain hearts
Do in the faces rest.
Where can we find
Two better hemispheres,
Without sharp north,
Without declining west.
Whatever dies was not mixed equally.
If our two loves be one,
And thou and I love so alike
That none can slacken,
None can die.
Excerpt from "The Good Morrow" by John Donne
~ Isolde, reading to Tristan

I don’t know if life is greater than death, but love was more than either.~Tristan’s dying words

And the Doctor Says:

I'm fix-able! Woohoo! I went to the doctor yesterday, and I'll spare you the details, but he prescribed some things and I'm on my way to being normal! I was very impressed with the doctor and his nursing staff. His name is Dr. Mangal, out of Houston. Doris was the nurse we dealt with, and she was very kind and knowledgeable. Dr. Mangal was not only personable and intelligent, he related everything that was going on in my body to things we could understand and explained the entire process step-by-step. I now know what I need to know and what I need to do to fix it, so yay!

I don't have to work this week until Friday, so I'm going to enjoy my time off and hopefully do something productive. Like what, I have no idea, but something.

Anyway, thought I'd share that wonderful news. Have a great week, y'all!

Happiness...

Well, I'm on about, oh, cloud 24 or so. I got all A's!!!!!!!! Yay!!! And I got a job at the flower shop in town working with my best friend and her grandparents, so I'm good! Now I have to organize my room, get ready for VBS, and catch up on my pleasure reading, but that's it for summer plans. Oh, and learn how to wakeboard. But awesome, right? :D Love y'all! Have a great week!

So, ok...

That is how I usually begin my conversations with my suitemate. "So, ok..." followed by either a random comment or something that happened over the course of the day or a question. We just have a connection. Occasionally she'll have something in her mouth and say something and I'll understand her. I used to be able to do that with my brother, though I don't know if I can anymore. I know her comments and have stolen more than a few. And she's stolen some of mine, too. I'm going to miss her.

My roommate stayed up last night packing her stuff. Amazingly, I went to sleep around 2 this morning with a radio and the light on. That never happens. Ever. I woke up at 7 and got ready to take a final that I'm fairly confident about. Now I have one last final (my final final... hehe) at 2 this afternoon. I have to perform 2 monologues. I have one mostly memorized, but I still have to work on the other one. I should be finished way before class starts, so it's all gravy.

I'm going to miss school. The freedom. My friends. The stuff I get to see and do every day. The food variety. But home isn't so bad. I have friends there, too, and hopefully a job, and no roommate, and a wonderfully big, soft bed, and the safety and security of home. It will hopefully be a peaceful summer.

It's rather sad, all of this packing and moving. And I'm not just talking about the sad state my car is in, filled to the brim with my belongings. The whole leaving process is sad. And my bare walls, empty shelves and closets and drawers, and the huge bags of trash leaving our room regularly. My computer in the corner with no speakers... I'm seriously going to miss 24-hour internet access and unlimited computer time. Like whoa.

My task for the summer is to go through my school stuff and take out everything that I didn't use. I'm going to go through my things in my room and throw loooots of stuff away, too, so I'll have a clean and organized room and about half of the bulk to bring back with me. Sounds like a plan, right? Now to actually do it. Well, I have the summer! And maybe it'll be a vacation... I feel like I actually need a vacation from things at this point. I've never really needed it before. I guess whoever designed the school-year was pretty smart. :p Ok, back to memorizing. Love ya! Mwah!

Ok, Ok, here it is...

I think I've gone retarded. Why, you ask? I'm a girl. Hehe. I've been painting my nails all sorts of colors, and they are, in fact, wet right now. And it's working, except when I hit my right thumb against my left thumbnail. It's just my left hand. I'm doing French tips. Despite past and current animosity toward the French. :p But I'm enjoying it, strangely enough. Go figure.

Mark requested that I update as I've been promising to do since my birthday, and, since today is a beautifully lazy day, and my nails are too wet to do anything but type, and they'll be dry by the time I finish, it works perfectly.

My birthday was wonderful! It was a gorgeous day, and I spent the evening with my cousin and her friends just hanging out. I got a bazillion phone calls! Let's see, Daddy called me around 7:30 that morning, Mom called in the afternoon, my brother called me at midnight the night before, my hairdresser called me and her little boys wished me a happy birthday (they're 6 and 2, so cute!), two of my best friends called me during the day (Kourtney and Kristen), Heather (my suitemate) told me happy birthday at midnight, Steven sent an early birthday wish on the 26th, and Jarrod wished me a happy birthday over AIM. I got a ton of "happy birthday"s over facebook. People wrote on my wall all day! That's a very good feeling. That's one of the reasons I love birthdays so much. It's such a good feeling to hear from people who care. My classes that day both told me happy birthday, and I got sung to at a meeting on Wednesday.

I took Heather home with me on Friday to celebrate with my family. We had lasagna and I got an adorable picture frame with little magnets that spell my name to go on the magnetic frame. Daddy's supposed to be buying me a phone. I'll get that before too long, I hope.

I got a birthday wish from my ex-boyfriend, but we won't go there. He actually just IMed me... Wants to "catch up" later. I'll be online, if for no other reason than to see what he has to say.

It saddens me to say that this gas price thing is becoming something huge. I literally go around and compare prices. I found gas at Wal-Mart for $2.709 with my card yesterday, so I think I'll stick with them for the time being. Even though it is across town. It's better than paying $2.859 on my side of town. It's a shame. But I can't afford to not get the cheapest I can find.

I think I've lost weight, and that's a good thing, though I couldn't tell you for sure yes or no or how much. It's more like I can see it in my face and in my favorite jeans.

Being 19 isn't really any different from being 18, except that I feel a little older. It's strange to say how, exactly, but I really do. The very first time I've felt any older after a birthday. It's like I can feel myself growing up. Which is crazy, I know, but true nonetheless.

Finals are next week. I'm not really worried about any of them, but I have to study. Which is all I'll be doing this weekend. But it's a price I'm willing to pay to secure my grades. I've got A's in everything except my history class, but I hate that class, so the B I have in it will have to suffice. I might be able to get enough extra credit with my final to bring it up to an A, but I don't know. We'll see.

I made the RA candidate pool, which means they'll put me in any openings that come up. And I made costume shop payroll, which is like taking any social life I have and pouring it down the drain, but it'll be a steady paycheck. They're saying about 20 hours a week, if not more.

One of my new favorite songs: "Seashores of Old Mexico" by George Strait.

Ok, off the finish my nails! Talk to y'all later! Hope you're all having awesome weeks! And happy late anniversary to Carrie and Chad! We love y'all! I'm going to have to re-do my thumbnails...

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Today is my 19th birthday! Yay! So, one more year of teenagerhood. Hehe. Donna did my nails last night, and cooked me dinner, so that was fun. More fun to come! I'll update tonight about the birthday happenings. Woohoo!

Tuesday Afternoons from Heaven

Suddenly, the light comes shining in!!! I love my parents. They are totally and completely wonderful and they don't even know it! So, Mom, Dad, thank you both so much for being so amazing! You had no idea what was wrong or that anything was even going on, and yet you did know, and now everything's better! Not because we talked about anything specific, but because you cared enough to call out of the blue and be absolutely silly and normal, like everything in the world was fine, which it really is, I just couldn't see it. So thank you. I don't know why, but everything suddenly feels lighter, and the sun's flooding back into my life, right where it belongs. And as I sit here crying those crazy tears of joy, I thank God for you both, that you're there for me and I'm so blessed when I don't deserve it. You are both wonderful people and fantastic parents, and I know we've had our disagreements, but I'm as thankful for those as the beautiful days of one-on-one time. So, rest assured, Dad, Mom, everybody, that I am once again back to being me. Maybe a little changed, but still me. And thank you all for your prayers and love and support! Life is easier with strong shoulders to help me through the valleys. Love y'all!

Un-answers

What color are my eyes? Are they green? Sometimes. But sometimes they're blue. I don't know. Does anyone?

Standing in the shower, crying about nothing, I realized I'm not really happy. I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with something someone said about something. Well, actually, yes, it does have something to do with exactly that. A friend told me it was my fault that I'm "one of the guys". What I can't figure out is how exactly that works. I can't change who I am. I can't make myself any less tom-boyish or more girlie. I don't think I'd want to, for the most part. And yes, it hurts. It hurts that the guys talk to me like I'm one of them. It hurts that I can't be dated because I'm a friend, and half of the guys see me as a force to be reckoned with, and not something feminine or attractive, and those that do are too scared to step up and do anything about it. This doesn't really matter, and won't have any repercussions since none of the guys I'm referring to ever read this thing. I really don't see why ANY of you still read it. But whatever. Your choice, I guess.

I've diagnosed myself with depression. I don't know why I'm sad or out of sorts or down most of the time, except that I need a few days all alone to zone out and recharge with no company, no pressure, no worries, and no pain. That will, unfortunately, never happen. Life doesn't work like that. Not even mine. Which seems rather strange, since I seem to live a very charmed life. Some would even call it perfect. I can't say that I blame them. Everything that's "wrong" in my life is my won fault. Well, mostly.

For those of you who don't know, here's the latest. I went to the doctor the Thursday before Easter. I had blood work done on that Saturday. The results came back last Wednesday. I'm trying to get some female problems sorted out and make all of this unnatural body hair stop growing. A clear complexion would be nice, too, but I'm not really getting my hopes up. Anyway, my results said my thyroid, kidneys, and liver are all fine, and I'm not anemic or glucose resistant. My cholesterol is too high, but I'm working on that actively now. My testosterone levels, however, were a bit off... An adult woman should be at or below 20. My testosterone was above 60. I'm so sick and tired of dealing with this! I was so discouraged! I still am, really. I just wanted them to be able to prescribe something simple, fix everything, and make me at least semi-normal, but nooo. I have to be even more of a freak. Do you have any idea how hard it is to think of myself as a real woman when I have as much testosterone as some guys and act like them, too?

I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. For a long, long, long time. All alone. Nothing but me and my dreams and the sweet hum of the fan. And all of this in spite of my birthday on Thursday. I'll be 19. Whoopty-doo. I need sleep.

!!!!!!!!

Will somebody PLEASE remind me why it's illegal to KILL someone?!?!? My roommate... GRRR!!!! I don't know how much more of this crap I can stand! NOISE ALL OF THE TIME! Either groaning, talking, or those friggin eating noises... I'm going to GO INSANE. And she talks and always has the TV on. And she's ANNOYING. Grr................ I'm so frustrated! I just want to scream! Or punch her. Or kill her and dispose of the body. Idiot girl. It's grating on my nerves... AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! As much as I love guns, it's really hard to not use them... Dang.

Birthdays, Bests, and Besitos

Can y'all see my picture? That's right, it's a tree. The Century Tree, as a matter of fact. It's an Aggie thing. This explains a lot of those "Aggie things". I guess it comes from having a best friend at A&M, but I love all that stuff. Awesome traditions. I had a dream last night that Reveille ran from College Station to Huntsville and got me out of class and took me back to A&M with her, where I was awarded a full scholarship. Strange. But it was pretty funny.

Sunday was Daddy's 40th birthday. We went to the Bass Pro Shop's Outdoor World in the Houston area and then went into the mall on Saturday. He got a suit and a shirt. Very cool.

Today is Andrew's 21st birthday. It doesn't really amount to anything, since he doesn't read my blog, but he's Jarrod's housemate and a friend of mine, through Jarrod. Jarrod is an Aggie, along with Andrew.

I have 5 best friends and more good friends than I can count. My bests are Jarrod, who will always be close to me, because we get along pretty much all of the time; Kristen, who represents my past; Kourtney, who represents high school and my leadership experiences; Courtney, who is there for me when I need her and is my voice of reason; and Heather, my suitemate, who is the person I'm the craziest with, who never lets me feel sorry for myself, keeps me on top of things, and expects me to expect a lot from myself. Honestly, I think Heather is the one person I could hang out with all day and never get annoyed at or get tired of. I love all of my bests, but some of them can be annoying, argumentative, and just plain silly. Jarrod and I can spend a day together, no problem, but we generally run out of things to talk about, so we go find something to do, like watch a movie.

I saw The Notebook for the first time last night. The very end got me. I liked it, though.

I need to talk to the English department head and see if I'm exempt from my 266/267 class, since I got A's in my composition classes and 265. Makes no sense to anybody from somewhere other than SHSU, but it's ok.

Next week, I have a research paper due on Monday, a research project due on Tuesday, a doctor's appointment on Thursday, and Friday off. This week, I have a presentation due in History, an RA interview on Friday at 8:30 AM, Relay for Life from 7 PM to 7 AM on Friday through Saturday, another interview on Saturday, a shirt to sew (which doesn't have to be finished this week, but I want to finish it asap), and cupcakes and cakes to bake. For the Relay for Life. So it looks like I'll be writing my research paper tonight or tomorrow night, and finishing on Saturday and Sunday. Yay. Note the lack of enthusiasm.

My roommate went to the opening Astros game last night. So she didn't come home. Which is wonderful. She's not really bothering me, but I love being alone in my room.

Heather's having a tough week, so we might go do something tonight to lighten the mood. We'll see.

Oh, and I got my cartilage pierced. I have a point on my ear, so I got it there. It didn't really hurt, though it throbs if I hit it just right. I got the bright idea to put Neosporin on it, so hopefully it'll heal faster. 1 month. It's on my right side. And I think it looks really good.

People keep telling me they love my shirt, though it's just a John Cena shirt, and isn't anything impressive. But whatever. It says, "Hustle. Loyalty. Respect." on the front and, "Down since day one." on the back. All in caps. I like it, so it's all gravy.

Well, I'm out. Class soon, and then I have crew, then who knows what else. Besitos! (Yes, that's Spanish.)

Back to School...Again

Aaaaaah. My first day back. Spring Break was...less than satisfying. I can't put my finger on exactly why, except that I never really had nothing to do on any given day. I guess I missed that laziness.

I amaze myself sometimes. My procrastination, my performance in a pinch, my care-free attitude toward life, the way people open up to me. Things I've noticed today.

The white azaleas are gorgeous, though the day isn't. Dreary this morning, muggy this afternoon. There are certain comforts about being here I hate to give up, even if it is to go home. The feeling of absolute freedom. I'm accountable for and to only myself. Well, that's not entirely true, but I have no serious and binding obligations that weigh me down and suffocate me here. It's not really that things at home are so bad, but rather that I get tired of the same three-ring circus every time I'm there. It's as if I can't truly be the person I'm becoming. And it's very hard to squeeze back into that oppressive shell every time I make that hour and a half drive back to Mother's house. The pain brings tears to my eyes.

But there are other things here that I love. The people. The variety. The routine and spontaneity all wrapped up together. The endless supply of hot water. The absence of pressure to get out of the bathroom because there are a billion others waiting to take a shower. Time by myself. And yes, even those annoyances are strangely welcome. My roommate's eating habits. Her strange noises. The cold floors and my annoying alarm clock. All of it marks where I am in my life right now. And it's truly where I want to be. I'm growing up and I'm afraid everyone is waiting to pounce on me to hold me back, make me stay where I was and stop this transformation that college holds. Who will win?

A Day for Boyfriends

There is a single cluster of mistletoe in a tree on campus. It hangs over the sidewalk all year round, an enchanting parasite. Does this make that particular spot more romantic? Or magical? I don't know. But it could. It's possible.

The turmoil is resolved. The battle has been fought and the dawn has defeated the day. Thank you, dear warriors. Meet with me on the morrow where the breeze softly whistles through the dew-damp ferns for a celebration of sorts. If you so choose...or so dare.

Yes, my own creation. In the wee hours. Meaning? I'm no longer homeless for Friday night. And I have multiple job opportunities.

Patty, the costume shop head, has asked me to apply for a position on payroll for next year! And I got an interview for the RA position for next year, too! And yes, I can do both. My roommate also got a music splicing program, so I can format some songs for my piece going up Friday.

The homeless thing... Well, I was going to stay with my cousin Friday night and go to the wedding on Saturday, which would've been fine, but she's not going to be home and can't leave the keys because she has to have them on Monday. And you can't lock the doors without the keys. So I talked to the bride, and she said I was more than welcome to go up to College Station on Friday night and stay with them, so that's what I'm going to do! They have extra room, and they all know me and don't mind, and Sarah really wants me to come, so yay!

I'll still be able to be home by Saturday night, so it's all good!

The title... I made a really random comment in costume shop about today being a good day to have a boyfriend because I really just needed a big hug and some movie time. I'm fine, and I'm not sad or anything, but sometimes... Especially now that I have an idea of what I'm missing. Oh well. My time will come. Aight, I'm out! Love and hugs!

Bubba and Blues

A journey must begin with a single step.

Duh. This from the fortune-cookie fairies. Gosh.

But that means I ate Chinese food tonight! Yay! Good stuff. I'm still dealing with these random impulses to sleep... Hehe.

I'm going home tomorrow morning. And I'm giving Josh a ride back to school on Sunday. He's a friend from high school. Lord, help me, please. He's a bit of a trial for me sometimes, even though he's a sweet enough guy. He was my homecoming escort last year.

Spring break is coming up! Yesssss! I have a billion things planned, including a visit to the high school to see everybody, a day or two spent with Mema, a trip to Houston with Mom and possibly some other ladies from the church, a day of reorganizing the church library, and hopefully some time just hanging out with my brother. I miss him a lot. I miss him as much as I do Mom and Dad, if not a little bit more, because he hasn't really been just my brother in a long while. I haven't spent any time with him lately. And I miss that. I love my brother very much. Mom and Dad are, of course, my parents, and I love them, too, but Derek is number one on my list when I think of people I love. Parents are different. They are their own little category, I think.

Heather, my suitemate and I have been talking a lot lately. This whole semester, actually. And I love it! She's awesome! Even my roommate and I are getting along. But Heather and I have a ton in common. Last night we were talking about our brothers. She has a younger brother and is really close to him. I wish I was closer to Derek, but I know he'll be there when I need him and I consider him one of my dearest friends. So, in a way, I'm closer to Derek than Heather is to her brother. Derek is one of the funniest people I know. And he's sweet and a gentleman and a wonderful big brother. Also the reason I didn't have a boyfriend in high school, but, in retrospect, I'm very glad he was there to protect me.

I don't know where this sudden expression of my appreciation of that bond came from, but I guess I miss him more than usual lately. I have a feeling I'd be a very different person if my brother wouldn't have been there.

Anyway, things are awesome! I'm actually making stuff in costume crew, which is awesome because they trust me to do important things, and all of my classes are going fairly well. I have one midterm next week, and that's all. So that's really cool. I also have a mask project due. I'll try to get pictures and post them and explain my choices and my performance. But that will have to wait. I don't know for sure what I'm going to do.

Yes, the title is almost random. I did talk about my brother, but I am by no means blue. It's a very pretty color, though.

Well, it's Dancing at Lughnasa tonight, and then Heather and I are coloring the bathroom mirror. Did y'all know that mirrors are dry-erasable?!?!?! We were SOOOO excited! We now write notes to each other, draw things, and have the MOST fun! Hehe. Yeah, we got a little carried away, but it's a blast. Life's too short to not be crazy every now and again. Though I wonder if it's more of a constant state of things rather than the exception... Mwah!