Back to School...Again

Aaaaaah. My first day back. Spring Break was...less than satisfying. I can't put my finger on exactly why, except that I never really had nothing to do on any given day. I guess I missed that laziness.

I amaze myself sometimes. My procrastination, my performance in a pinch, my care-free attitude toward life, the way people open up to me. Things I've noticed today.

The white azaleas are gorgeous, though the day isn't. Dreary this morning, muggy this afternoon. There are certain comforts about being here I hate to give up, even if it is to go home. The feeling of absolute freedom. I'm accountable for and to only myself. Well, that's not entirely true, but I have no serious and binding obligations that weigh me down and suffocate me here. It's not really that things at home are so bad, but rather that I get tired of the same three-ring circus every time I'm there. It's as if I can't truly be the person I'm becoming. And it's very hard to squeeze back into that oppressive shell every time I make that hour and a half drive back to Mother's house. The pain brings tears to my eyes.

But there are other things here that I love. The people. The variety. The routine and spontaneity all wrapped up together. The endless supply of hot water. The absence of pressure to get out of the bathroom because there are a billion others waiting to take a shower. Time by myself. And yes, even those annoyances are strangely welcome. My roommate's eating habits. Her strange noises. The cold floors and my annoying alarm clock. All of it marks where I am in my life right now. And it's truly where I want to be. I'm growing up and I'm afraid everyone is waiting to pounce on me to hold me back, make me stay where I was and stop this transformation that college holds. Who will win?