Fears

Life takes unexpected turns. I'm scared to death of failure. Not getting married and having children would be failure. Dying alone and unloved would be failure. Never loving someone completely, not living my life for me, giving up my truest dreams, all failures. I want what everyone wants-happiness. But my happiness depends on something beyond my control. The love of a man who would make a wonderful father and husband. I've made a decision. I want to be a teacher. And I want to stay in Texas. I love Texas. My roots are here. How could I give that up? Who would ask me to? Nobody, I hope. But I'm afraid I'm making a mistake. Changing my major, compromising my "dream", changing my whole life to pursue something that may never actually materialize.

I thought I wanted to direct. I think about it now and I see that my passion doesn't really lie there at all. That it's merely another fun pastime I happen to be good at. So I searched my soul and came up with the answer to my own question, "What will make me truly happy and really fulfill my deepest desires?" Motherhood. It's that simple and yet that complex. I know I wouldn't be happy just sitting at home cooking and cleaning all day, despite the charm that it holds now. I'd be bored out of my mind in a matter of years. So I need a career that will work well with my domestic goals. Teaching. And teaching high school English, no less. With a minor in theatre and my masters in English, I'll not only be incredibly marketable, but I'll be able to do so many things in both small and large school systems. Maybe I'll become another Mrs. Rollins. Sure, that means 2 more years of school and a teaching certification, but I'll be happy. I'll be able to teach, interact with people all day, be a mother and a wife, and have a life both outside and with my work. I'm steadily warming up to this idea. Occasionally berate myself for being nothing but scared, running away from California and the unkind life awaiting me there. But then I'll remember the gorgeous Texas skies and know I'm getting closer and closer to my real dream.

That still leaves me a scared, single college student about to take the hardest and biggest step of her life. I ask your prayers, your support, and your encouragement. Hugs and kisses. Thanks to all of you. Ok, I'm ready to take the plunge. I pray someone will catch me at the bottom...