Saturday, October 31, 2009

Confusion

There's a lot going on right now in my crazy life.

First of all, I've accepted the job at the little school in southeast Texas, so I'll be moving back in with my parents at the beginning of December, which is exciting in a lot of ways. I'm nervous about the adjustment, but I'm also glad I get the chance to get closer to them.

I'll also be spending a lot of time at my uncle's lake house. It's about 30 minutes from the school where I'll be teaching. It should be a great way to relax, so I'm looking forward to that.

I had to talk to Steve about the whole move thing last night, so that resulted in a huge argument. I finally just told him that I need time to find myself and really find my direction, and I don't see us lasting forever. He got angry, and we both cried a little, but I think he'll get over it. I'm sure he will, actually. I just hope he can be happy for me and we can still be friends. He's a great friend, but I can't see myself married to him. After three years, he doesn't understand how I can just "drop" him in favor of moving home with my parents and taking a job so far away from him. I can't explain to him that I just need to be home for a while, and I need to find that stability again. Plus, I really think Mom and Dad are going to need me when Derek goes into the Army. To make it all so much harder, Steve bought an engagement ring and was planning on proposing. He told me last night, and then let me see it. It's pretty, and similar to what I would pick out for myself. He paid cash for it, apparently. He's been making plans, and completely oblivious to the fact that I wasn't happy and am not really happy with him. We had a great thing for a while, but it's coming to an end. I'm ready for it. I knew we weren't forever. He had no idea. I'm not ready to get married.

I told him, and it's true, that I may get home and realize that I made a terrible mistake and come running back to him, and that we may be meant to be together and I just don't know it yet. I don't want him to put his life on hold waiting for me. I'm not going to not have a life, that's for sure. I have every intention of going out and being a young, attractive adult for the first time in my life.

Ever since I've been old enough to legally go out and have a few drinks with friends and go to parties and live the crazy life, I've had a boyfriend. I've been with Steve since I was 19. Granted, he's changed me. I feel much more confident and attractive now than I ever thought I would. I'm comfortable in my own skin, and I have him to thank for that. Now, I want to be able to use what I've gained to have fun. I'm only 22. I want that before I settle down and have a family and can't be selfish anymore. I haven't really ever lived my life just for me. Is it wrong to say it's my turn now? Does that make me a terrible person?

I think Steve is still holding on because he sees the way he's changed since we started dating and he is grateful for that. I don't want to be in a relationship based on gratitude and guilt. It's not healthy. And it doesn't have the makings for a great forever. Does all of this make sense?

As far as I know, where we are now is technically still together, but we'll call it off when I move home. He's angry, and having a tough time dealing with it, and I'm very emotional and just want to sit and cry into my hot chocolate, but we should both be better in a few days. I guess we'll just have to see where this takes us.

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