Pam's Playland

Missing my Guys

2010-03-19T21:43:00.000-07:00

I've had a very... interesting Spring Break. I've spent the week with my cousin in North Houston. I had originally planned on spending the week with my aunt and uncle a little farther north, but my cousin's oldest son is home from Japan. He's a Marine. His younger brother is a senior in high school. They're both really great kids, and I have enjoyed spending time with them and their many friends in the "frat house" that has been her home. There are always people around, always a party going on, and so many guys it's ridiculous. They're all babies, and one of them is the oldest boy's best friend, also a Marine home from Japan. Needless to say, I've been the babysitter/house mother at party central. I've spent several nights staying up with the guys just to make sure they're alright, that they get to bed safely, and that the house doesn't get torn up. This even included a trip to Denny's at 4 AM one morning. It's been a fun week, and they're all amazed that I can still have a good time even though I'm a middle school teacher. The Marine who is a friend of my cousin just left. He has to leave for Chicago in the morning for a funeral, so he went to his dad's house for the night. He moved in with my cousin a few months before he graduated high school, which was two years ago, so he's part of the family, but this week was the first time I'd met him. I've grown very attached to the whole crew, and I'm going to miss them all when I go back home tomorrow. I've had an awesome Spring Break, though. I never went through the party phase in school, so this has been a glimpse of what I missed in college. I'm glad I missed this when I was their age, but it's been a lot of fun this week.

I haven't seen or really spoken to Cory at all this week, which has been incredibly frustrating. He's convinced I'm so patient and that I'm difficult to anger, which is true for the most part. We had a discussion two weeks ago about my need for communication in this relationship, and now he's slacking. I don't know what's going on--if he's just busy or otherwise engaged or lost his phone, but either way I'm not impressed. I'm going to send him an email tonight and call him tomorrow, I think. Or vice versa. I don't suppose it really matters. All I know is that I'm pissed off and am tempted to either force his hand so he has to see me by either showing up at his door or calling an ultimatum, or just end it. If only he would talk to me this whole thing would be so much easier. Why does this crap happen to me? Maybe Mother's right and I only fall for the emotionally unavailable guys. Maybe I'm just overreacting. My thing is, I deserve better, right? I deserve to be a priority in somebody's life, right? Don't I????

From the Desk of...

2010-01-26T18:38:00.000-08:00

Here we are again! Yours truly, updating with the latest in my crazy world. First of all, I have a new boyfriend, whom I'll discuss in a minute. Second of all, I have a job, which I will probably discuss often. Lastly, I'm tired, which I may touch on at several points.

My job is Junior High English Teacher. Don't ask what grades. I told you. Junior High. That's correct, three grades. Sixth, seventh, and eighth. I have a total of 90 students across three grades, and all but four or five middle school students in the school. My neighbor seems nice enough, though a little aloof still. My across-the-hall neighbor is awesome, and I love her. My around the corner coworkers are friendly, but not overly so. It's a very small school, and the people are nice, but it's painfully slow. The environment is challenging, but not in a good way. I feel like I'm lost in the middle of nowhere. I'll be moving back to high speed internet and 24-hour restaurants before too long, I think. I don't really mind living at home with Mom and Dad most days. Today was a bit rough, because they both took it upon themselves to tell me that I need to take better care of myself, forgetting that I'm a grown woman and perfectly capable of taking care of myself without their assistance. It's a bit frustrating at times, but I'm dealing. It's taken me a long time and a huge loss of pride to admit when I'm not alright and ask for help. Thankfully, it's something the new bf pointed out and I'm working on. I have a lot of small issues with the school and the atmosphere, but I'm giving it a chance and sticking it out until something better comes along. Mom says she can tell I'm not happy with where I am, and she's right, but I'm here for now and I just have to make it work. Unfortunately, she often only hears my vent and doesn't see the positive, happy, friendly exterior I maintain for most of my life.

There are good things about working here, and there are some really fantastic moments in the classroom. One of which involved sixth graders... One student, upon hearing the assignment of four handwritten pages concerning their research topic, loudly proclaimed, "I can't!" One of his classmates replied, "can't never could," followed quickly by a third student's quip, "until try came along!" I laughed and just knew it was a quotable quote. Some of these children are charming and funny and quite intelligent. Hopefully I'll be able to post a lot of great stories in the future.

The new bf is wonderful. Mother made the comment that she doesn't know why he's my "boyfriend" since we've only been on one date, but we've invested so much in each other emotionally that it only makes sense to have the title. It's a little difficult to fall for someone when you're just talking. That's such an odd term, by the way. His name is Cory. He's incredibly intelligent, funny, witty, sarcastic, cute, friendly, compelling, ambitious, sweet, sensitive in a very non-gay way, a great dresser, goofy, quirky, eclectic, loves history, and says he's on his way to loving me... That's the scary part, I think. I know me breaking up with Steve didn't really make the news. We've been done since the beginning of December, and I think it's for the best. He's finally realized he can do school on his own, make his own decisions, and have a good life with friends. He's not quite happy, but he's getting there, and we're still friends. I didn't realize it until recently, but I'm still getting over him. I thought a clean break was possible, but three years is a long time. Cory has helped tremendously. He's a teacher, and I met him while I was student teaching. He is a friend of my mentor teacher from my first placement, and we were kind of thrown together from the beginning. It didn't take a serious or romantic turn until I moved back home to Mom and Dad's. We emailed, then moved to texting, and now we're at nightly phone calls. He makes me smile, and he cares about my day, can deal with my moods, and can even counter my crankiness, which is pretty impressive. He makes me happy. Rhina, a friend of mine from my Cracker Barrel days who I still visit as often as possible even made a comment about me being happier now than she's ever seen me. It's an inner peace, really. I'm comfortable in my options. I'm not pressured, and I feel that I can grow and heal with Cory and truly find my place in life. He's not perfect, no, but he's close. He has a five-year-old son who has not met me. That's an event I'm looking forward to immensely. I also want to meet his family. It seems like most of this will have to wait until I get back over that direction on a more permanent basis. I don't get to see him often because of the physical distance. It's difficult, but we're working on it. I've been working on my faith and personal walk with God, and I know he's a strong Christian, so I'm looking forward to growing with him on a spiritual level. I asked what he needs me to pray for specifically for him, and he responded today that he needs "resolve, clarity, direction, and skill in prioritizing and scheduling." I can only assume he means that I'm a priority with this comment, since it's directed at the major issues we've been having. It's such a wonderful relief to be able to actually talk about any issues we have openly and candidly without being yelled at or unreasonably ignored. Resolving things is easy with a mature, level-headed man with excellent reasoning skills and sound logic. He knows it hurts my feelings when he forgets to call, or our schedules get complicated and I don't hear from him for a long while. The only time I've ever been "angry" so to speak was when he neglected to even text over the course of the day. It takes two seconds. Pick up the phone. He knows this, though, and he's working on it. He says I have the patience of Job and he appreciates that I am willing to wait for him. I'd be stupid not to. He's still tearing down and rebuilding from his ex-wife and the trouble and drama and lack of trust in that relationship, so it will be a momentous occasion when he trusts me with his whole self. I'll be sure to let you know if it ever happens.

I'm sitting in my classroom right now, at 830 at night, for One-Act Play. We were supposed to rehearse tonight, but everyone on the cast and crew is involved with either basketball, cheer-leading, or student council, so they have to be at the game for various reasons. It's a bust, essentially. I'm tired, but caught a cat nap on the couch in my classroom a little while ago. I'll make it, but I look forward to Saturdays when I can sleep late and speak to people over the age of 14 for extended periods of time.

Thank you all for reading my ramblings. I hope my update has been interesting and enlightening, and that everyone knows I love them and send them hugs and prayers. Goodnight!

I'm Just Sayin'.

2009-11-20T05:01:00.000-08:00

"Pretty people marry pretty people. Ugly people marry ugly people. It's a rule." And so I became immortalized via twitter updates. Raleigh thought this was pretty funny and decided to quote me. But think about it. It's true! If you have no clue as to why, you fail on the CSI fan scale. If you know why, you've seen too much CSI for your own good and should stop thinking about committing "the perfect crime."

Essentially, it all boils down to the fact that people find themselves the most attractive ideal in their minds. Therefore, people marry people who look like them. Hence, if you're ugly, you marry someone else who is ugly. If you're pretty, you marry someone else who is pretty. Or you marry for money. Having money makes everyone pretty.

You can see evidence of this in those little old people who look alike. When they were younger and first got together, they were subconsciously attracted to each other because there are similarities in their features. As they aged, these similarities started to be more pronounced, so they look alike. An acquaintance once asked if I looked like my mom or my dad, and I said both. Now, this makes sense to me because I'm a combination of the two of them: I have Dad's eye shape, nose, and lip shape, but I have Mom's complexion, hair color, and influence on my eye color. However, some might argue that Mom and Dad look similar. I don't necessarily know about that, but I suppose it's possible.

These were my random thoughts this morning as I was getting ready for school. Today's my last day at Cracker Barrel, and I have five days left at the high school where I'm student teaching. I'm going to miss these kids.

There's a mouse in the theater. I'm trying to think of a name for him. Mother likes Maisy, my kids like Puck, and I've gotten votes for Seymour, Mr. Bojangles, Macbeth, and Despereaux. He's a cute little mouse. I think I'm leaning toward Puck, personally.

I suppose I should get back to work. Love and hugs!

Confusion

2009-10-31T09:48:00.000-07:00

There's a lot going on right now in my crazy life.

First of all, I've accepted the job at the little school in southeast Texas, so I'll be moving back in with my parents at the beginning of December, which is exciting in a lot of ways. I'm nervous about the adjustment, but I'm also glad I get the chance to get closer to them.

I'll also be spending a lot of time at my uncle's lake house. It's about 30 minutes from the school where I'll be teaching. It should be a great way to relax, so I'm looking forward to that.

I had to talk to Steve about the whole move thing last night, so that resulted in a huge argument. I finally just told him that I need time to find myself and really find my direction, and I don't see us lasting forever. He got angry, and we both cried a little, but I think he'll get over it. I'm sure he will, actually. I just hope he can be happy for me and we can still be friends. He's a great friend, but I can't see myself married to him. After three years, he doesn't understand how I can just "drop" him in favor of moving home with my parents and taking a job so far away from him. I can't explain to him that I just need to be home for a while, and I need to find that stability again. Plus, I really think Mom and Dad are going to need me when Derek goes into the Army. To make it all so much harder, Steve bought an engagement ring and was planning on proposing. He told me last night, and then let me see it. It's pretty, and similar to what I would pick out for myself. He paid cash for it, apparently. He's been making plans, and completely oblivious to the fact that I wasn't happy and am not really happy with him. We had a great thing for a while, but it's coming to an end. I'm ready for it. I knew we weren't forever. He had no idea. I'm not ready to get married.

I told him, and it's true, that I may get home and realize that I made a terrible mistake and come running back to him, and that we may be meant to be together and I just don't know it yet. I don't want him to put his life on hold waiting for me. I'm not going to not have a life, that's for sure. I have every intention of going out and being a young, attractive adult for the first time in my life.

Ever since I've been old enough to legally go out and have a few drinks with friends and go to parties and live the crazy life, I've had a boyfriend. I've been with Steve since I was 19. Granted, he's changed me. I feel much more confident and attractive now than I ever thought I would. I'm comfortable in my own skin, and I have him to thank for that. Now, I want to be able to use what I've gained to have fun. I'm only 22. I want that before I settle down and have a family and can't be selfish anymore. I haven't really ever lived my life just for me. Is it wrong to say it's my turn now? Does that make me a terrible person?

I think Steve is still holding on because he sees the way he's changed since we started dating and he is grateful for that. I don't want to be in a relationship based on gratitude and guilt. It's not healthy. And it doesn't have the makings for a great forever. Does all of this make sense?

As far as I know, where we are now is technically still together, but we'll call it off when I move home. He's angry, and having a tough time dealing with it, and I'm very emotional and just want to sit and cry into my hot chocolate, but we should both be better in a few days. I guess we'll just have to see where this takes us.

My Vent, Plus Good News!

2009-08-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here’s my vent.

First, what the heck is going on with Obama? One minute he’s gung-ho for healthcare reform and the next he’s backing off, saying that we may not actually need complete healthcare reform, and that a partial reform may solve our problem. What kind of crap is that? Ok, let’s think about this. We are Americans. We are born and bred into a capitalist society, which is awesome because it ideally drives commerce and creates a booming economy as long as our jobs aren’t outsourced to foreign soil. Europe does BEAUTIFULLY with socialist healthcare and there’s a reason. People in Europe, generally speaking, are less greedy on a personal level than Americans. They work for the greater good of the country, versus the greater good of the family, which is what Americans are geared to work for. There’s no “community mindset” in the American mentality. We work to better our families and better the futures of our children, so we’re not okay with giving our hard-earned money to people who won’t get off their derrieres and work for a living. It’s aggravating. But it’s how we as a country think, which is why the healthcare reform won’t work and the legislature will not pass something so against our national code.

In addition to that particular issue, Obama also just sent money to Brazil to help develop their offshore drilling and boost their failing economy, but he won’t grow a pair in the USA and tell the environmentalists to kiss his butt and start drilling in Alaska in order to boost our economy. He’s spending OUR TAX DOLLARS to help out another country do something that WE CAN’T EVEN DO!!! That’s absolute crap!

Another vent that’s recently surfaced is not necessarily political. Why in the heck is Brett Favre still playing football?! He’s 39 YEARS OLD!!! And he’s getting TWENTY-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS FOR TWO YEARS! That’s a MILLION DOLLARS A MONTH!!! What IS that? Do you know what I could do with a million dollars a month? I could change the WHOLE WORLD!! The old fossil just needs to retire and leave the Vikings and the NFL in general alone.

John Madden retired. Sad day. I really enjoyed his commentary. Also, Kathy Griffin’s trying to get on Oprah’s show, so that should be interesting.

By the way, if you go to a restaurant and get seated, stop asking for a different table. Have you ever thought that there’s a reason I seat you there? That maybe we have a rotation of servers so nobody gets overwhelmed? THINK about it people!!

I do have some good news, though. I have an informal job interview at a small school about 30 minutes from my parents on September 1^st. I graduate in December with my degree in Theater and teacher certification in both English and Theater. The position I’m applying for will be open in December, and it will be teaching middle school English and high school One Act Play. I’m EXTREMELY excited about the position, especially since it’s a tiny little school and my average class size is 10 students. I think I would do really well with sixth, seventh, and eighth graders, and I know high school One Act Play would be a lot of fun, too. Wish me luck! If I get this job, it will be an answer to many prayers.

I hope things are going wonderfully for all of you, and I’ll talk to you later! Toodles!

Bootstrap's Bootstraps

2009-07-02T12:33:00.000-07:00

I have a day off. My second in a row, actually. I'm just sitting at home, watching movies, hanging out with the dogs and cats, playing on the internet. My attention span's a little short, but I guess I can be distractable on my day off. We saw Transformers 2 yesterday. It was pretty good, but honestly the same as the first one, just bigger. Ya know, more robots, more Megan Fox, more explosions, more huge robot battles. It was worth the $5 per person. Tonight, we're pulling a double movie night, with Up and Hangover. I'm excited to see Up, and Hangover's supposed to be funny, so it'll be a good way to end my "weekend". I only get a certain number of days off per week, and they haven't been consecutive in a really long time. All in all, things in my life are alright. A little strained for cash, a little tired, a little overworked, but it's all good in the long run. I'm ready for something to happen, but I don't want to take any time off from work... Go figure. I love my job, and I'm dreading JP's leaving, but the inevitable must happen, I suppose. Anywho, that's all I have for now. I'm posting a picture of me holding Puma with Maverick in the background, since I said I'd post a picture of my favorite little kitty. :)

uh...

2009-05-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

Hello dear ones. Life is relatively great on my end of the world. I got decent grades this past semester, and I am finally beginning the vacation I've been needing so desperately. I love my job still, and working at Cracker Barrel is just as rewarding and fun as it was over a year ago when I started. I'm still dating Steve, and we're happy. He's a sweet guy, really, and he takes care of me. I haven't missed a car payment or even been late, and things are still running smoothly with my little white Cobalt. Puma is still the most amazing cat in the world, Peanut and Rose are growing on me, and being close to friends is incredibly excellent. Some drama has been happening at a bar I frequent, but that's nothing new. Steve no longer works there, which is new, but not unexpected, given the aforementioned drama. I can't think of any significant details to provide that would make much sense, and I'm a little scatterbrained at the moment, so I'll supply more information later. For now, suffice to say that things are fine and I'm doing well. I'll have to tell y'all about the Special Olympics and my plan with Mother to go to Galveston for a few days this summer, as well as a briefing on the drama at the bar and the developments at work. Love and hugs! I now go to prepare for the Barrel once again. Hi-ho, hi-ho...

B&N

2009-03-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting in Barnes & Noble in Beaumont, playing on the computer. I had to purchase Wi-Fi access, but I guess it wasn't terribly expensive, so it's alright. I think I'm about to get a drink from Starbucks and head back home. I'm having a pretty decent vacation, not doing a whole lot and enjoying it. I've slept in two days in a row, and I go back to Huntsville tomorrow. I have a lunch date with friends tomorrow, and then a gym date with Courtney some time this week. I have some homework to do, but I'm not terribly concerned about it all.

I just talked to JP via Yahoo Messenger and he said he was enjoying his vacation, but his cable is out and he has nothing to do. Don't you just hate that?

I have a Lighting Design project to do, an art project to officially get started on, and a musical scene to choose. I think either Oklahoma! or West Side Story. I haven't decided for sure yet.

I'm a little vaguely up in the air right now, so I'll head out, not having anything specifically concerete to say. Thanks for listening, though! Love and hugs!

The Next Chapter

2009-02-18T08:08:00.001-08:00

Right now, I currently feel intoxicated. I can honestly promise that I have consumed no alcohol in over a week, at the least. I guess it's a combination of my equilibrium being slightly off and my sinuses still being clogged. I've been slightly deathly ill lately, by the way. On and off fever, hacking cough, draining sinuses, fatigue, body aches, and general exhaustion. I've been sleeping for hours on end every day, and I'm finally getting better. I'm actually sitting in class today! Yay! This has been a rather sickly semester for me thus far. First a little cold, then a nasty stomach bug that made me want to die, and then this really horrible, yucky "crud" that's been plaguing me for the past week. Hopefully it'll all go away and I can go another few years without getting severely sick again.

My scene went up yesterday. I got hit pretty hard, and I cried, but I'll tough it out and move on. I guess you live and learn. I could make excuses about my main character dropping out less than a week before the performance, my severe illness, the lack of time and rehearsal, and the lack of available rehearsal space, but I refuse to make unnecessary excuses for my lack of proper scene choice. Maybe it's a pride thing.

I have a project due on Friday that should be relatively simple to make and complete, but I have to sit down and do it. I have a show to see tonight. Angels In America opens tonight, and I'm looking forward to seeing it. Since my directing scene's finished, I have to begin research on my musical scene as soon as possible. Things are slowing down a little, so I think I'll make it.

Still giving myself the B-12 shots, and still doing just fine with them, though no major changes yet. I need to put together a to-do list and a grocery list for Wal-Mart. I need shampoo. I need to do laundry, too. Always something to do. But that's life. Not in my normal peppy mood today, sorry. Just dealing as I can.

JP's birthday was Sunday. I gave him a card and a little fuzzy yellow duck that went with the theme of the card. It was kind of funny because I borrowed his keys to put his card and duck in his car in order to avoid embarassment and gossip, and he asked me to take his balloon and gifts to the car. His mother and sisters had been by earlier that day and brought gifts and the balloon. It was such a comfortable, normal thing to do. It felt like Jarrod and me all over again, with the familiarity and the comfort and the predictability. Another interesting discovery was one I think I've made before, and that is that he doesn't ever ask me to do anything as far as work goes. I was working with Heather on Sunday and he asked her to spot sweep when we were both standing there, and then told her to go light the lanterns on the tables, rather than me. I didn't mind, but I found it a little odd. To top it off, I was sweeping under a big table so we could seat people there again and he touched me on the elbow and told me the busser could do it. I don't know why he does that, but it may be because he knows that I'm willing to do anything he needs done, both for work and on a slightly personal level. (Think shopping for his mom's Mother's Day gift when given a spending limit within the store, or taking his birthday presents to his car, or getting him medicine for his migraines.)

Ok, class is over, so I'm off. Love and hugs, as always.

The Bomb-Diggity

2009-02-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

Well, it's done. The big test that required my presence at work is complete. I have no idea how we fared as a whole, but I was complimented by our district manager on my hard work, so I guess that's good. Apparently I'm the bomb-diggity. Quite an accomplishment, huh? We had to prove our ability to the "big bosses" this past weekend, and my general manager specifically scheduled me on the day I requested off just so he could ensure that we were doing our very best by having the very best. The "A" team, so to speak. Like I said, I don't know if our endeavors were successful. I'll find out when I call and talk to Kevin (the GM) today or tomorrow about my schedule on Saturday.

I went to a baby shower last night, an that was fun. I found some really adorable things for the baby, so I was proud of myself. And then Steve and I had an argument because he randomly thought I was off work on Valentine's Day. Um... not so much. The thing is, everybody wants that day off, so JP (now in charge of schedules) isn't letting anybody off of work based solely upon requests. Not that I even requested it off. I did ask to work the morning, though, and I'll call in a favor to Kevin to see if I can get things worked out. Steve got the day off and wants to make a big deal of it, but I just want him to stop spending money on me. He's blowing hundreds of dollars (I assume) on gifts for me that I absolutely don't need. I wish he'd save his money. A friend of ours had the idea that from now on, when Steve wants to buy me something that isn't necessary, he can put the money in a savings account and use it when we want to take a vacation somewhere. I think that's a fantastic idea.

My father and I were debating the grammatical correctness of the phrase, "I can so." I responded to the accusation of not being able to talk without using my hands with the above phrase, and my father decided it was not, in fact, grammatically correct. Thoughts? Opinions? Arguments?

I hate having homework. I also hate being tired for no reason. I got plenty of sleep last night, but I'm still tired. No idea why. And now I'm hungry. Poo.

Anywho, I'm out. Time to actually pay attention in class. Lighting design. Woo hoo. Love and hugs!

UPDATE: We were awarded a certificate of mastery!!! Wooo hoo!!! Go us! And I'm working Saturday morning, leaving the evening free for time with Steve on Valentine's Day. A little perturbed about my actress not being able to hold up her end of the bargain and actually toughing it out and NOT COMPLAINING!!! She whines a lot. But she's old, and is apparently under the impression that she's the only one with a full plate. I'm calling a big, resounding BS on that one. But it'll be ok.

I hope.

And... I'm back!

2009-02-03T09:52:00.000-08:00

I gave myself a shot of B-12 this morning. It's prescribed by the doctor. My levels are supposed to be around 1100, but the tests showed mine to be around 270. Not so great. So, I have to give myself a shot once a week for four weeks, then once every other week for four shots, and then once a month until the rest of the shots run out. That should last a couple years. It's supposed to give me more energy and make me more able to process carbs and create new proteins. Yay for that. I'm still tired, though. And now my leg hurts. :( The funny part is, I psyched myself out last night about this stupid shot and had a really rough night last night. This morning, I get up, get the shot ready, and just do, and then laugh at myself because it was really easy and relatively painless. Just like it was somebody else giving the shot. Go figure.

Other than that, I'm going 90 miles an hour down life's highway with school, tons of homework, and an almost-full-time job, so there's probably a reason my B-12 is so low. Apparently your body uses more under stress and when you get busy with a million things on your plate. Go figure.

In other news, Steve and I are back together. I don't know how long it will last, but I'm comfortable with him. As I told a friend, he may or may not be Mr. Right, but he's Mr. Right Now, and I can handle that. I don't particularly care for being single. The whole idea scares me a little. If Hawaii is in the future, I might change my mind, but I have a year to decide.

I'm going to Germany next month! Woo!!! I'm actually incredibly excited about that. It's a great opportunity and I know I'll have a blast.

Sorry this is so short, but I have an art assignment due tomorrow that will take about 20 minutes, a play to read (about an hour), a lighting design assignment to finish (about an hour), and possibly a nap to take (20 minutes or two hours...) all before bed tonight. It's going to be a long day, so I'll have to remember to grab food before I really get involved in homework. That whole remembering to eat thing is sometimes pretty difficult.

Hope things are going well for everybody! Love and hugs!

Puma

2008-11-12T06:19:00.000-08:00

I have a new kitty. His name is Puma, and he's amazing!!! He's fun and playful and loves sitting in my lap! He got fixed yesterday, and was a little groggy in the car, but he really had fun after the drugs wore off and the dogs decided to say hello. He was pretty much playing karate kitty, trying to swipe all of the dogs at once, like you see in the movies. It was pretty hilarious.

On a more serious note, I have a friend running in a marathon for charity, specifically for the Ronald McDonald House in the Texas Children's Hospital in Houston. She's running on behalf of the child of a friend who died in the hospital after being born with severe physical problems. They've been working on this for about four weeks and have already raised more than $3,000. She's actually sitting here telling us about this fund raising process and the overwhelming support from around the country. It's an amazingly inspiring story. You can read more about Team Chloe on their Facebook group page. There's another article discussing their work and the progress of the movement that began about a month ago by text message, devised by two young women who know Chloe's mother. It's awesome. I'm asking everyone to donate if they can, and at least get interested in what these wonderful women are doing in memory of a beautiful little girl.

Obama and Education

2008-11-07T11:34:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I visited Obama's education page and was reading through his ideas. In theory, it's a wonderful plan to streamline financial aid and reduce the application to just one form, remove the standardized test requirements, push pre-school, and make a serious effort to keep kids in school. The only huge issue I have is that he most likely won't get it done. Surprise surprise. I know there are promises made by each president to improve our education system, and none of those promises are ever completly fulfilled. I'll be honestly impressed and seriously might change my mind about the effectiveness of this guy if he gets this stuff done.

The other thing I was looking at is this new movement in Obama's governing plan that will force those between the ages of 18 to 25 to serve three months out of the year on a homeland training force, so to speak. It will focus on crisis response and the proper procedure for recovery from nuclear attack and (I assume) natural disasters. My big thing about that is I'm 21, and every summer, when I would be supposedly doing this service, I'm either taking classes or working in order to graduate from college. When I become a professional, I won't have time for at least a few years to go play with shovels for three months out of the year. I'm sorry, but this is not cool. I have one summer left before I hit the real world, and I'll be danged if I'm wasting it at some training camp that I didn't sign up for. It's forced volunteering, and it's crap.

These are going to be college kids digging ditches for community service. Now, I think I know where this is coming from. Obama has this plan to give free college tuition for at least 2/3 of the total if you perform 100 hours of community service (per year, I think), so perhaps he thinks that forcing young people to volunteer their time and effort will make them more worthy of the money he wants to give them.

I have no idea if what I just said makes sense, since I was listening to talk radio while writing it, but I think it might. Let me know.

O M G.

2008-11-05T08:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the election results last night... Severely disappointing, to say the least. On an interesting note, my parents were invited (and actually WENT to) an election party last night. I couldn't sit and watch the results. I just checked the results online every now and again while watching Get Smart, which is a very cute movie. So much for Nobama. I guess we'll have to wait it out. I don't know about the man's safety, though. After those radicals planned to assassinate him the first time, I'm sure he'll be in greater danger as time passes. We shall see. We have to leave it all to God now. Our vote is done. I did vote, did not get Starbucks, did not get Ben & Jerry's, and did not get a sticker. Oh well. I did my part, and I think my voice was heard. Too bad not enough people agreed with me. Down we go. Anybody up for a rollercoaster ride?

Stop Spreading the Rumors Around...

2008-10-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

I taught my first lesson today at the Woodlands High School! I talked about vocal health and breathing techniques, plus a few stress-relief techniques to relax the vocal muscles. It was a ton of fun, and the kids were great and really interested in the lesson. I teach again on Friday, and finally on Monday. I'll give a test to the students on Wednesday and finish the lessons. I'll actually be able to use these lessons as my unit for my teacher work sample, so that will be fantastic.

I despise those who begin rumors, but I have decided to rise above them and look objectively until they can no longer affect me. I really hope things don't change so drastically that I'm unhappy, but I think I'll be able to handle it. I knew this might happen, so I guess I was more prepared than I thought. To fill you all in, I've been hanging out and talking to JP at work. Some morning shift employees questioned another manager if anything was going on between us, and, when the manager questioned him about it, JP replied that there wasn't anything between us, which is absolutely true. We're friends. However, he called me over to talk to him at work and mentioned that things had been brought up (again, actually), so basically he can't talk to me or be around me excessively at work.

I've been thinking about the whole situation, and I can't figure out if he knows that he's been hanging around me more than anyone else, and I don't know if he thinks there is or was anything between us before, simply because of the wording he used. I'm still up in the air about this whole situation, but I'll just have to wait and see, as usual. Love, darlings.

Christmas...

2008-09-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

I've had Christmas on the brain for the past few weeks. Between work putting up Christmas trees and ornaments and Miracle on 34th Street on TV, I'm already singing carols. Odd, isn't it, how time flies? I haven't started shopping yet, but I know what I'm getting every one of the people on my list. I'm already getting excited! And I'm beginning to believe in Santa Claus again...

Ike

2008-09-14T12:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, so Ike wasn't really that bad as far as hurricanes go. Yeah, we got some wind and rain, and yeah, he turned the lights off, but we made it, and none of the trailer houses in Steve's neighborhood were damaged at all. Weak hurricane. By default.

The thing that sucks is that we have no power anywhere but campus, which is an incredibly boring place, we have a curfew from 8 PM to 6 AM to keep us from causing trouble, and I can't contact work to find out what's going on because nobody is answering the phone. Oh well. At least I have internet and some A/C to sleep in. Fyi, I heart my laptop.

Later, taters!

Random

2008-09-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this will be a quick blog post. Class is about to start, and I'm sitting at a table with three pretty awesome girls, and I think I actually am going to enjoy my methods block! Woo! Class is starting, so I'm off. More later!

A Wonderful Thought

2008-08-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

I found the following via the stumble button, and I thought it was wonderful.

Wannabe Hippie

A woman who feels desired is many things:
She is less likely to reach frustration with
you
or the children
or the cat
or the dog.
She is more likely to feel like an important part of
your life
and the home you share
and the children you created together.
She is more likely to look at her own body
and instead of feeling disgust at the way it has changed
since bringing your children into the world,
she is more likely to remember the feel of
your hands on her hips
or trailing down her spine
or the way that you pull her in
and fit her perfectly into the spaces of your own form.
A woman who feels desired
is so much easier to sit across the table from
as she is less likely to be judging
her own skin
her own curves
her own worth
her place in the bed that you share.
She is more likely to care for the body she has been given,
feed it good, whole foods
put it to frequent use in the garden
enjoy the pull of muscle
and increasing strength
as she carries ever-growing children
and becomes more confident with household repairs.
A woman who feels desired will rear children
who see their bodies as perfect works of art
that should be celebrated
respected
and capable of love.

It takes very little to make a woman feel desired.
It does not require
expensive jewelery
exotic flowers
pages of poems
romantic dates
or even dramatic words.
You can tell a woman you desire her
with nothing more than a look
a simple touch
a well placed word
and by listening to what she's saying
and then responding appropriately.

Without those simple things
even a strong woman may start to feel
less.
And less leads to
depression
self loathing
anger
frustration
bad parenting
and a marriage
that may not last the next five years.

So when your wife asks you,
"Do you find me sexy?"
the answer should never be
a long pause
followed by a apologetic
"I just love you."

Lie to me
if you have to,
but tell me "yes"
and then watch
as my confidence continues
to bloom
and my heart stays open
even when the world
is throwing us curve balls.
Because sometimes,
a woman needs to know she is desired
or she'll start to believe
it is no longer true.

What Next?

2008-08-06T09:05:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately that I have no idea what comes next for me. I don't have a boyfriend for the first time in over a year and a half, and I miss that relationship for the sake of the relationship, but I know I did the right thing breaking up with him. I'm pretty sure he would be willing to take me back if I ever changed my mind, but I don't want him to be willing. I want him to move on. Somehow, though, I'm afraid that won't happen unless I'm completely out of the picture. I want him to be happy, and I don't want him to depend on me. I want to be free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, without having to answer to those unending questions. Maybe I'm to independent for my own good. I find myself wondering if I'll ever find a guy that makes me happy on every level. I want to be intellectually stimulated, I want to have interesting conversations and debates about things and not have to worry about people getting in a tizzy over my opinions. I want to be able to read a book and discuss it without having it assigned for a class. I want someone who will laugh when I'm completely goofy, let me be serious when I need to be, and understands that my moods vary in the extreme. I want to be able to talk for hours just to ramble through my thoughts and get them off my chest, and I want to be able to sit and not say a thing and feel absolutely comfortable. I want to be able to stay caught up on current events and cement in my mind the reasons I feel the way I feel about various political and economical issues. I want to be creative and make things up that will never happen but are fun to dream about. I want to have fun doing nothing, and have fun doing something with the same person. I want to find the one person I can talk to every day and not get tired of. I want to find a love that surpasses petty annoyances and bad habits and means enough to last a lifetime. I want someone who will lay down with me on a rainy day and just sleep, or hold me and talk. I want to be able to not live from one paycheck to the next, but have the freedom to be happy and not worry about every penny I spend. I want someone who can build amazing things with his hands and create both art and function in a project. I want a man who can change my oil, fix my engine, and then teach me how to do it myself. I want a man who respects my independence, but understands that I'm a fragile person who needs protection and love. I want to be cherished. I want to be THE Princess. I want to be happy in love. I want to plan a wedding. I want to have a family. I want to travel the world before I settle down. I want to live on the beach and breathe the salty air. I want to see the sunset from my private beach. I want to own an island where I can harvest my own coconuts. I want to not put on shoes for an entire week. I want to fall asleep to the sound of the ocean. I want to watch my children play in the sand with a big golden dog. I want to curl up in a hammock on a lazy summer afternoon and read away the light. I want to drive for days and see where I end up. I want to stay up all night eating pizza and watching movies without having to worry about what I have to do the next day. I want to not have homework. I want to direct a show. I want to cast a show for a high school theater where I will work and have fun and be happy and successful. I DON'T want to marry a teacher. I've never really met a male teacher that wasn't egotistical and selfish (usually coaches) or waaaay too feminine to handle me. I want someone. Someone who may or may not exist. I wonder if I've already met him and it just didn't cross my mind that we'd make a good couple. Or it crossed my mind but not his. Or it crossed both our minds, but everyone else shot us down before we could discover our happiness. I want to be free to love without worrying about everyone else's standards. I want to... I want to be free of the wants and have my dreams come true. I want to go back to bed. I have no idea where to go from here.

Movie Review!!!

2008-07-25T10:19:00.001-07:00

Ok, for the record, Dark Knight was AMAZING!!! Heath Ledger was the best I've ever seen him, and I was incredibly impressed with the actors all around. The plot was decent, and the Joker was wonderfully deceptive. I liked the way the plot introduced another villain, too. It was rather long, but the action never stopped, so it wasn't too terribly drawn-out. We kept thinking, ok, it's almost over, thinking we'd been sitting in the theater for a long time, and then check our watches and realize we still had an hour left. All in all, an amazing movie, one that I will most likely own when it comes out on DVD, and a part for which Heath Ledger deserves an award. It saddens me that he will never again grace the big screen with his amazing talent. Have y'all seen it? What did you think? Let me know!

The Verdict

2008-07-07T22:56:00.000-07:00

Steve and I broke up last night. And we're okay. We're still friends. In fact, we hung out almost all day today. I called in to work because I could barely see what I was doing, and we went and ate dinner, and just spent time hanging out and talking. It was a nice change from the pressure of being in a relationship, and I really think we'll stay close friends. I'm taking my dog, Rose to Courtney's when she moves in to her apartment, and I'm sure I'll be over there most of the time when she gets all settled in.

I have a new puppy, by the way. Her name is Rose, and she's a beagle and dachshund mix. She's super cute and very sweet, and Steve gave her to me for a belated birthday gift.

I don't really know what else to say. Classes start tomorrow. And I guess I'll figure out how my online class is going to go. I'll update with more when I have more to say. Love y'all.

Sharing

2008-06-09T23:13:00.001-07:00

Saw this on Mark's blog, figured it was funny enough to share.

The Latest

2008-05-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

So it's been a month or so since my last post, and I thought it might be time for an update.

I LOVE my Cracker Barrel job. It's a ton of fun, and I have a lot of friends who like me and how I work, so I have fun there.

I have recently begun listening to talk radio, thanks to my manager, who gave me his account information so I could listen online to the same stuff he listens to. We're always looking for interesting conversation topics for our coffee time chats, so I'm enjoying the interesting look into conservative talk radio. We're on the same page politically, so we don't argue, but have different perspectives, since I interact with a very liberal group of college peers, and he doesn't have any major outside influence on his opinions. It's made for some interesting conversation, and I relish the intelligent political discussion with someone who actually listens to my opinions as something credible and interesting, rather than uninformed and naive. We talk about other things, too. Everything from religion to military service, and from technological advances to funny stories of childhood adventures. So, Mart, JP, and I sit around between my clock-out time and Mart's clock-in time (he's night maintenance) with JP and talk about the world. I think I've learned as much from those two as I do in some of my classes.

The Special Olympics was an amazing experience, and I feel like the "something" I was missing by not being able to interact with intellectually disabled people is finally found again. I can't really explain why it was such a great experience, though the stories people pass through their emails about all of the athletes turning around to get someone who falls behind are true. There was a girl sitting on the track crying, and her opponents went back, got her up, and finished the race with her. There are so many incredible people who fall into the category of "intellectually disabled" and I was fortunate to meet a few. There was one particularly polite young man who impressed me with his consistent manners and friendly demeanor. He was very excited about being on the football team at his high school and was telling me as we were waiting for pasta in the cafeteria that he was changing from receiver to running back because he's not the best at catching the ball, but can run like the wind. He's the only "special ed" (his words) kid on the team, but he goes to half regular classes, half special ed classes. I didn't even get his name, but I enjoyed our conversation. Jeff basically asked me to be his girlfriend right before he threw in the shot put. With Steve sitting right beside me. It was really funny in a way, and very flattering. Katie gave me a huge hug as we were walking over to the awards tent just because. She was my first place winner for that round, too. Mary Claire and Whitney almost got into a fight because Whitney said "Wolves stink" and Mary Claire's team mascot was a wolf. They eventually got settled down again, but these two little tiny girls getting angry was almost laughable when I stood up next to them to calm them down. Thankfully the round was almost over, so nobody's throw was off because of their words. And then there was Colby, who has been a guest star on "Walker, Texas Ranger" and is a fantastic public speaker. He has Downs Syndrome, and his parents are two huge supporters of the Texas Special Olympics. There was a super cute kid named Juan whose teammates and coaches called him Buddha-Buddha. He had a Buddha face, though, really.

There was one athlete who was the only member of his team at the Games, and he was very sweet, but my encounter with him made me cry, and made me very thankful I am as outgoing and friendly as I am. I don't know his name, but I know his smile. I was handing out stickers from the TDCJ group to all of the athletes, and even had my picture taken by one of the guys. I had been through two stacks, and had just started my third, when I looked over beside our group--we were all interspersed throughout the athletes and police groups--and saw an athlete with his parents who had on a lovely wolf shirt, but no stickers. I walked up to him, having gotten comfortable with approaching athletes with stickers. I said, "You don't have any stickers! Would you like one?" He nodded, so I peeled a sticker off and asked him where he wanted me to put it. He pointed to his chest, where a badge would be, and I obliged. As I was walking away to look for more sticker-less athletes, his dad reached over with an indescribable look on his face and said, "Thanks." I was touched beyond belief, and honored that I could make his son's day by so simple an act. That's something I won't forget soon.

After my wonderful experience with the Special Olympics, Steve and I came back to Huntsville. I left Monday afternoon for San Antonio to see a friend who graduated last December. I enjoyed my drive, and the four hours there felt like three. The four hours back only felt like two, so I discovered a new love. An expensive one, but something I'll utilize when I can. I went to Sea World on Tuesday, too. I fed the dolphins, saw killer whales, dolphins, beluga whales, and huge Clydesdale horses, and rode several roller coasters. I had a ton of fun, and plan to make it an annual thing as long as my friend works there. I was delighted to learn that military personnel and their families get into the parks nation-wide for free on Saturdays. That warms my heart.

Now, it's back to work! The dorms open on Monday, and classes start on Tuesday. Here we go again! I have a pretty good break after the summer sessions end, so I'm hoping to save some money and have some fun, but we'll see how the cards unfold.

Hope everyone is doing well, and hope to hear from y'all soon!

P.S. I have a new wonderful friend in Rosemary, an older lady I work with who told me she prayed for me on my week off. I love her a lot, and really enjoy working with her. She's like a grandmother or aunt. My Cracker Barrel family is a great one, though, that's for sure. Love and hugs, everyone!

Thoughts

2008-04-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with an eighties montage playing in my head. I Wanna Dance With Somebody, Thriller, Listen to Your Heart, Here I Go Again, I Just Died In Your Arms… And then I got on David Cook’s version of Always Be My Baby. That’s a great song.

Ok, question. If a guy is 36 and a girl is 21, is there too much of an age gap for it to work? Just curious. For the sake of argument, and to get an idea of where everybody stands.

I have come to a few conclusions. First, when toilet paper is on the spool and not free from the wall or holder, women use less toilet paper than when it is free from constraints. Second, when a woman pees standing up, she should have to raise the seat like a man in order to accommodate the rest of the population that does not stand up to pee. Random, I know.

I’m tired. I was up really late last night writing a twelve page paper, and I only got about four hours of sleep. I have to work tonight, and will hopefully get plenty of sleep before work tomorrow. I have rehearsal for a scene that goes up next week, I have to prepare my resume for my Speech for Teachers class, and I have to create a presentation for my Dramatic Theory and Criticism class. I have the weekend, so I’ll be fine. I’m excited about turning 21 on Sunday, and I have my portfolio due on Tuesday. All in all, I have several small things to take care of, and some time to do it, but things are winding down and I feel more lethargic every day.

*sigh* Back to class. More later.

Good Day

2008-03-26T17:48:00.000-07:00

I have diagnosed myself with musical Tourettes syndrome. I randomly burst out into song based on some phrase or jingle I hear. It’s quite fun at work, and I have a good time. At both jobs, actually. I am now working an average of 25 hours per week as a hostess at Cracker Barrel. I feel rather accomplished being able to say that I have two jobs. I don’t really know why, but it does. Honest, I’ll get car pictures up when I can. I have to have time to wash it and make it all purdy and stuff. I don’t have class at all on Friday because all three of my classes are cancelled. I have to be at work at the costume shop at all because my boss will be out of town and the show should be finished by tomorrow evening. I have to be at Cracker Barrel at 5:30, so I need to get dressed and leave at 4:45ish. Fridays are always fun. My managers are already really impressed with me. Kevin, the general manager asked me at our 30 second meeting if I wanted to be a server since I help the servers all of the time, but I told him that I’m happy being a hostess. I just help out whenever I can to make things move quickly and efficiently and help out the servers who are overloaded. Things like taking drink orders and bussing tables. I really do enjoy my job. Today was a good day, too. I broke my nail this morning and made my finger bleed, but then I ran into a friend of mine and we had a really nice conversation about life and the things happening with us, so that made me happy. Then I found out that all three of my classes are cancelled on Friday, and I have no assignments due tomorrow, so I have some free time! Yay!

There’s this really cute manager at work who’s a lot of fun and makes my job a little nicer. He’s older, so not really datable even if I WERE single, but a nice guy.

Steve’s fine. He’s actually going to start a new position at his unit soon. It’ll be a night job, and I’ll miss late evenings with him, but he’ll enjoy it much more than he enjoys his job now. The animals are fine, and everything’s going exceptionally well.

It’s been a really great Wednesday. Odd, I know. My ear hurts a little bit, and my allergies are acting up, but things are all in all really great. Amen to answered prayers.

So...

2008-02-26T16:06:00.000-08:00

Ok, Mark, I'll post car pictures ASAP. I got a job!!! I start at Cracker Barrel on Tuesdsay with training at 3 PM. I'm pretty excited, but wish I could get started. I'll update with pictures soon, but for now, it's bbq night at Steve's with friends. I love being able to relax. More later.

Dee dee de deee, dum dee dee dum...

2008-02-13T23:27:00.000-08:00

So, I have news! I have a new car! It’s a white ’07 Chevy Cobalt, and it gets fantastic gas mileage and is really fun to drive! The car payment (we call it a car note in Texas, by the way) is about $200 a month, so it’s workable. Speaking of work, I don’t particularly care for job searching, though I’m pleasantly surprised with the expedient results. I put in applications on Tuesday of last week and got things moving that day at Cracker Barrel. The next day I was called by a Toyota dealership and went in for a pre-interview. Rene told me that I would get a call some time this week and could come in for a real interview with the manager, but they haven’t called yet. I called earlier today, but the manager never got back to me. Other than that, classes are busy, life is great, and I’m happy!

The Blahs

2007-11-09T17:35:00.000-08:00

You ever have one of those days when all you want to do is take a long nap? Yeah, it's one of those. I don't really know why. I know I miss Steve. He's been working a lot of overtime, so I miss him a lot lately. My fingers are cold. And I'm listening to my brother's music on MySpace. Good stuff. Rascal Flatts, believe it or not. My so-not-country brother. :p Anyway, I applied for housing. I'll find out my assigned place on December 1st. I haven't told most of my kids, but I think almost all of my coworkers and Dr. Young (the Honors Department Chair) know. I'm strangely excited to not have to come back at the very beginning of January. The dorms don't open until the 10th or something, and I'll have a few days to get settled in before class. Hopefully I'll have my "new" car by then. Yay!!!

I'm incredibly excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Mostly because I love family gatherings and really good food. And I'm pumped about my gifts for everybody! I still don't have anything for Lauren, but I'll talk to my brother about that. He probably won't know either. Hehe.

They opened the new mall area at school. It's pretty nice. Concrete and plants and lots of walking and sitting space. There are some benches in the awesomest place at the top of the new green area that I'm really looking forward to utilizing. I'm all registered for classes, too. Got advised Tuesday and yesterday and got into all but one of my classes. I have to be cleared for my 400 level English class because the computer's being stupid. I won't graduate until December or 2009, though. I should maybe have a summer off to work at the horse camp or something, so that should be fun. A friend of mine works out at a little ranch in the area and said I'm more than welcome to come stay with her for as long as I need to and work at the ranch. It's horses and kids all summer!!! I'm really trying to get a job there this summer, too. Just a little something to help me keep up with the bills while I'm taking my art classes and maybe a secondary ed. class. Is it weird that it's so close, but so far away?

Steve asked me how I felt about moving out of Texas. If we stay together, all of the big gaming companies are out of state. We're talking California (which is expensive, but I would LOVE), New York (also expensive, but AMAZING), Florida (which I could handle), or even Tennessee, which we both agreed might be the most favorable place right now. It's almost familiar like Texas, and the prices are much more reasonable. I don't know. That's a long way off, so we'll see. He has to graduate and find a job first, and then I have to graduate, and then there's the whole marriage thing, and making sure I can teach in Tennessee. Yeah, might have to look into that. I've seen pictures of out there and it's awesome. Plus it's not so far that I couldn't drive home for Christmas and Thanksgiving and such. And the Renaissance Festival. Now, before my father freaks out at the idea of me thinking about marrying Steve and moving out of the state (which qualifies as a foreign country in his mind, I think--kidding, Dad, kidding), I reiterate that it's a long way away. I'm not even ready to consider that yet. Maybe in another year, but not even then for sure. I love Texas. I'm not opposed to leaving, but I like being close to my roots. Granted, I don't want to live in my hometown, necessarily, but I could handle Beaumont or Houston. We talked about Fort Worth originally. That might be interesting, though the idea of driving there scares me.

Wow, this has been a rather long post. It's time for me to go jump in the shower so I don't have to take one later. I'm on duty tonight and I have group process tomorrow. That means that I have to go on rounds at 1 (with Jared, which takes about 30 minutes, because we're awesome), and then get up at 7 to open the doors and go to group process for RA interviews at 830. I don't like using ":" in my times, if you can't tell. Okay, I really am going now. Toodles, peeps!

God doesn't like SPAM

2007-11-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, really random title, I know, but I just got an email saying "do what you think God would want you to do with this email." My first response: "God would want me to delete it because God doesn't like SPAM." Couldn't help it. I thought it was quotable, so there ya go.

By the way, I have my housing reserved, I have my letter of resignation in, and I'm beginning to sort through and pack up stuff. I'm going to store most of my junk over at Steve's for the break because I don't have a car to get it back and forth. I'll move all of it back into my dorm room in the spring. I'm actually pretty excited about the move and the change. Yay!!! I'm much better now. Less stressed and happier in general. Funny thing is, knowing that I won't be coming back makes me realize what I'll miss and even makes the job a little easier. Go figure. I'm not naive enough to think it's worth staying, though. I know when I've had enough, and this is it. *sigh* Sweet change. It's like a new life!

Alright, I'm out. Love, peace, and chicken grease! Later, y'all!

Update

2007-10-31T12:33:00.001-07:00

Ok, really quickly, in case anyone reads this thing anymore, here's an update. The verdict passed via the parents is that I have to live on campus. Now it's just deciding where I can afford to live and when I'm going to quit. Some housing is waaaaay more expensive than others. We'll see. Peace out.

My Dilemma

2007-10-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

So, serious props to me for posting for two consecutive days! Lol. I have a dilemma and I need advice and feedback and to just vent, so let me know what you think.

I'm burned out on being RA. I'm burned out with school, but I'm so close now that I can't quit. I'm seriously considering not being Resident Adviser after this Spring. I can't handle the workload with my schoolwork and feel like I'm not drowning in my own tears and sweat and blood. It's overwhelming and stressful and I'm tired of it. Yeah, my residents are okay people, but I don't like being around them all the time. They're not my friends. I have to maintain a professional appearance around them and feel like I can't quite be myself. There are perks, yes, but I can't do this anymore. I have days when I just want to pack my stuff, say "I quit," and throw in the towel. It doesn't help that I feel trapped, exhausted and at the end of my rope, but I still have so much farther to travel before I'm finished. I have no real friends except for Steve and a few of his friends and some mutual friends, and that bothers me. My close friends were awesome, but they're gone. I can't make time for them. Or they can't make time for me. Or maybe we're just not meant to make time for each other. I don't know. I'm lonely, but I can't make time for an outside life because I'm either working or doing school work. The responsible side of me won't let me go party and get drunk and high with the people I know (for which my parents are very thankful, I'm sure), and the crazy side is daring me to do something rash, to live and be bold. I'm at a loss, a dead end. I need something new. Something more. Here's the breakdown.

Problems with quitting: I can't afford an apartment; I would have to get another job; parents won't let me live with Steve; I don't have a working car; I would be a commuter student; I won't stay in a dorm and pay for it again; I love not having electricity and water bills to pay; I love having the Internet and cable for free and being 5 minutes away from my classes; I have a lot of stuff that would have to fit somewhere.

Perks to the job: free housing; steady paycheck; ... That's all I can really think of. And the pay's not even that great.

Problems with the job: I have a curfew; I have paperwork to do every week that's repetitive and boring; RC sheets (which would drive any normal person insane alone); meager paychecks; can't take days off when I'm sick without asking 50 million different people; have to hold new students' hands through the first semester; have to have random, pointless meetings; have to come up with ideas for and throw programs that people expect a good turnout for and never really matter; there are expectations for random things, like trying to get people to come hang out in the lobby just because "they" say we need to build a community; my wonderfully awesome boss is graduating and leaving us to the wolves; I can't handle the workload plus my required hours to graduate and maintain anything above a 3.5 GPA and keep my life and sanity, I'll have to quit in two long semesters anyway to do my student teaching.

I need help. I need advice. I need somebody to help me reason this mess out. I need a friend to tell me that my options could be worse and then tell me which one I can choose. I need my parents to open their eyes and see that I can't continue like this and either offer me a way out of the dorm or accept that I have no other alternative to staying at Steve's. I need to not be pressured from every direction to make a decision. I need to breathe. And I can't. I need something. I need help. Somebody? Anybody. Help me. Please.

Ahem...

2007-10-27T23:56:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I know it's late, but I'm up, so I might as well post something. I'm on duty this weekend, which sucks, but it's manageable. I have a make-up test on Monday or Tuesday for my Political Science class and another test in psychology (which I've missed the past two classes). It's a big groan, but I can study tomorrow and do fine. I have patterns cut out for next year's Ren Fest costumes, so I'll be making those over the course of the next few weeks. I'm also looking into getting a new car with some help from Dad and Mom. It's a smart car (smartusa.com), and it's pretty cheap, so I hope it happens. My car is still dead. I have no idea where to begin repairs, so I guess it'll stay like that for a while. All of my friends want to "dispose" of it if I get a new car. Sledgehammers, paint balls, spray paint, etc. It would definitely be fun...

I promised pictures of Loki, so here's one for y'all!

This is Steve and Maggie.

Here's one of Maggie playing with Tora, the dog of a friend.

Here's a squirrel hanging out on campus.

And here are a few flowers and a butterfly.

Lovely pictures, all taken on a friend's camera. With that, I'm going to bed. Goodnight! Love to all!

Loki

2007-09-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

I have a kitty!!! We got her last night from a girl who goes to school with me. I found her on Facebook and we met the cat a couple of weeks ago. We decided last night would be a good time to get her, so we did. I watched her and Steve and I discussed names and came up with a list of possibilities. Loki was a late addition, but the one I liked best. Loki is the Norse god of mischief. According to one of the baby naming sites I searched, the meaning is as follows:

Loki is the mythical being of mischief in Norse mythology, a foster-brother of Odin. He is a trickster and a malicious figure who is selfish and greedy, although not necessarily evil as he also comes to the help of the gods in numerous occasions. Loki is reported as being a shape shifter, and with the power of traveling through the air.

I thought that was pretty cool. She's so precious! She's spunky, feisty, adventurous, fast, strong, and very playful. She's talkative and defensive when Maggie tries to get her. It's great! Anyway, I'll possibly post some pictures us when I can get them. Until then, have a good one!

More cliches

2007-09-23T00:23:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's been over a month, huh? I know it's late, but I figured now is as good as any time to blog. A friend stopped by a little while ago and she's having some serious bf trouble. She wants to be able to afford a house and a good life and have a husband who can provide for her and that lifestyle. Her boyfriend of nearly 4 years just quit the prison and is working construction. She's afraid that he'll end up like her father and work himself to the bone to make ends meet and they'll have to live paycheck to paycheck. Or else, he'll be traveling to make the money and never be home with her. She wants answers from him, and he's not ready to give them. He's still young and settling down isn't really on his mind right now. He's 21. She's almost 22. They went to high school together, and they love each other, but she's dealing with things in her way and he's doing the same thing over 100 miles away. I guess it really must be tough. It makes me really thankful that Steve's in town with me and is working his way through school to make a better life for the possibility of a future us instead of feeling like a wandering soul and not knowing what to do next. She needs guidance, and for once I can't give the words of wisdom needed. I used to be good at that. Still am, actually, but this is much bigger than me. In a few more years, I'll know what to say. As of right now, I have no idea. I guess we'll have to wait it out. I told her to make sure he was worth it. Her time, the wait, the possibility of moving around until he's ready to settle down and plant roots. She also wants to live in here, and he hates it. He's more into small towns and little communities. She likes bigger places where the beauty salons and convenience stores have more to talk about than her personal life. Tough choices. Rock and a hard place, maybe? I just don't know. Thoughts? Comments? Observations? Anybody still out there?

Jumbled Ramblings of a Not-So-Stable Mind

2007-08-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

I really just want to vent to no one in particular. I'm tired. My office and room are both a mess. I still don't have a car. I'm STILL going through this auditing stuff with Financial Aid. I'm ready for training to be over and check-ins to be over so I can have a semi-normal life. I miss time with my boyfriend. I miss playing with the dog. I don't miss the dog's hair, but that's something we just deal with. I'm making friends with my staff team, so that's cool, but it's not really enough to counteract the frazzled state I'm in. I don't want to help my fellow RAs because none of them helped me. I don't want their help because I like to do things my own way. I hate being the one out of the loop, but I have a life and things to take care of. I have plans for my days. Usually those plans include sleep. My cameras should be in tomorrow, so that's a perk. I hope everything's fixed so I can start taking pictures. Apparently Dad was supposed to talk to me about the cameras, but I haven't heard from him since this weekend. I guess I'll call him tomorrow. My computer's retarded. I know, it's pretty much random rambling, but I'm all jumbled up--hence the title--about life that it's hard for me to focus. It's bedtime. Seriously. I will actually make it to bed tonight before 3 am. So excited! I miss a normal life. Sometimes I wonder if this job is really worth it. I need to win the lottery or something so I don't need loans and can pay for school and a house and for things to be all fixed and wonderful. Too bad you have to actually play the lottery to win.

Better Late Than Never

2007-07-29T18:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I know it's been a long while, but I guess it takes a few bad days to make you realize what you need to do. I need a break. I've known this for a while. But I can't really do anything about it. I'm in college. My parents make me feel like there is no break until I get out. A friend told me I should take a semester off. He doesn't understand what it's like. This life. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm busy. I think I might be going crazy. Yeah, it's my own fault. I know this, too. I accept positions. I take on extra work. People put me in a position of power or responsibility and I realize I expect more of myself than anyone else does. I'm "working" right now. My easy show. The last night. My hard show is tomorrow night. And the next night. We still haven't finished perfecting the cues and I feel like I need to cry. I want to take a break, a vacation, but those don't happen anymore. I can't do this. I won't do it again. I just need a rest. Will that ever come?

A Lot Happening

2007-04-30T18:49:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody!!! It's the end of April! Can you believe it? A lot of things have happened so far this year, though I guess they are rather insignificant when compared to global issues and whatnot. A bridge collapsed yesterday in California. No deaths. Some crazy Korean dude shot up Virginia Tech. 32 deaths, including the shooter. I turned 20! And I played in some intense rain today! I lost my grandfather on the 18th. No more "blood" grandparents left. I didn't make the funeral. I had my very first surprise party on the 26th! I had some awesome lobster, crab, and shrimp with the family on Friday. Saturday was my kinda surprise party. Had a few friends over to Steve's, ate cake, had ice cream, played games. Sunday, we did it all again, only we went to the friends' house and ate, played games, and had fun. Good stuff. And bad stuff. Finals are coming up, and I'm stressed out. I've gained at least ten pounds this semester. But I have an amazing boyfriend and a group of wonderfully amazing and fantastic friends. Tomorrow is an award ceremony for excellence in writing (I was nominated by a professor), Wednesday is the RA banquet, to which we're wearing our prom dresses, and Thursday is a mandatory honor's meeting. Second class is canceled Wednesday. Third class is canceled Thursday. No class on Friday. It's dead day. Something may or may not happen on May 7th here at Sam. We shall see. It's been a semi-stressful, semi-eventful day. The kind that adds stress but doesn't get much accomplished. I have no idea when I'm going to get a break. I just want to sleep for a few days. I just want to do absolutely nothing and it be alright. Will that ever happen again? I miss childhood, when things were simple and beautiful in their childish intensity.

Spring Break Plans

2007-03-08T15:26:00.000-08:00

It's so almost Spring Break!!! Only one more day until freedom! Tonight I'm on duty, which means I can't go anywhere, but it's alright. I'll do my homework for tomorrow, clean my room, pack my bags, and possibly even load my car. I have to do room checks tomorrow night, then Steve and I are leaving for Fort Worth on Saturday. I'll leave my car at his place and ride up there with him. We're staying at his brother's apartment. It should be fun. Everything I know about his family is really good, so I'm looking forward to the visit. We'll head back to my house on Tuesday. Should be fun. I'll let y'all know how things go. Have a good one!

February

2007-02-25T17:51:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone! I have no idea who all comes here anymore, but here's the latest for those of you who care.

Valentine's Day was wonderful with Steve. We went to dinner at Olive Garden and saw some dumb movie in the Woodlands. We're still happily together. It'll be four months on the 3rd. Woohoo! I'm incredibly happy with our relationship and with Steve. He makes me feel beautiful, special, precious, and loved. Yes, he loves me. And I love him. It's a beautiful thing.

I have a new very good friend. Her name is Pam, too! We have a ton in common and I enjoy talking to her and listening to her talk. We are Pam [squared] at work. We go on rounds together and have a blast hanging out. We're going to be work-out buddies starting today, so that should be fun.

Steve's going on vacation on the 3rd and will be off for three weeks, so we're going to Fort Worth for the first few days of Spring Break, then off to my house for the rest of it. I'll see his parents and siblings (all three of them: one older brother - Robert, and two younger sisters - Tabitha and Ashley), plus his friends from high school. We also have to stop by Emily's aunt's house to visit. I met Emily's aunt and uncle when they were down helping Emily move stuff, and they like me a lot, plus they live within a few miles of where Steve went to high school, so he says it's no big deal to swing by and say hi.

Let's see... Other than that, the job keeps me busy, as do all of my classes. I have a crazy homework load, so I have to be very careful with my time management in order to get all of my assignments done. I've been doing alright, though. I'm making it. And making A's, to boot. I have to do some sketches tonight, but everything else is finished.

Ok, that's all I have to report for now. No profound thoughts, no interesting stories. They're all pretty routine nowadays. Have a nice day!

A New Beginning

2007-01-09T13:45:00.000-08:00

2007. Can you believe some people said we'd never make it this far? Boy, were they wrong. Well, they were wrong about the whole "flying cars" thing, too. We're not holding grudges or taking score, so I guess it's all gravy.

My new position as RA has started out well. I went through training and learned quite a bit, made it through meetings, duties, and getting to know my coworkers with no troubles, and even called in a work order. Most of my job is self-explanatory paperwork. I know my kids and I know how to deal with people, so I'm not really as worried about things as I was. This should be fun.

I have a cold. Or something. Whatever it is, my nose is stuffy, I'm draining enough to cough, but with minimal results, I wake up without the ability to work my vocal cords, and I have pressure slowly building below my eye. I'll get some medicine today.

Yesterday was full of fun. Steve took me to dinner and a movie, then we went to supper with some friends to celebrate Cindy's birthday. (Cindy is one of Steve's coworkers.) We went to Main Event, which is a gaming place, and played Laser Tag (my new favorite game), bowled a few games, and hung out for a while. I came home and did rounds with Pam, the other RA, and that was very enlightening. Dinner was TGI Friday's and supper was Red Robin. All in all a very good day.

This semester, I'm taking three writing-enhanced English classes, two theater classes, and one writing-enhanced honors seminar. Please tell me I'm not suicidal.

In other news, I got my refund back, I purchased a meal plan for the semester, and cold clam-strips are not very good. Ryan is fine, though he's packing to move somewhere. Germany, hopefully.

I had a dream last night that Steve started playing World of Warcraft and didn't have time for me anymore. I left. Now I'm afraid that I'll take a backseat in his life. I don't think I could handle that. Not after these past two months of his unwavering attention. Now, don't get me wrong, I know his friends and family will be a major part of his life, and that's fine. I just don't want to be overshadowed by a video game. It was just a dream, but it felt too real for me to be comfortable with it. We'll see how things turn out after the computer comes.

Dad called at 730 this morning and woke me up. Then Jenna called me at about 1030 and woke me up again. Oh well. I'll sleep tonight.

Alright, time to head to the office. Talk to y'all later.

December 2006

2006-12-11T13:14:00.000-08:00

Wow. It's been a long while, hasn't it? Things are still fabulous. I went through one of the most stressful weeks of my life trying to get some costumes finished, but they're all done now. Just some minor repairs before I hand them over for good. And I'll get paid soon, too. That'll buy the rest of my Christmas gifts. Something for Mom, Derek, and Dad, and something for Steve. I know what I'm getting for all of them.

Can you believe Christmas is two weeks away?! It snuck up on me. I have two finals, and then I'm checking out of my dorm so I can head home for the break after a few hours with Steve. He's fine, by the way. Still just as wonderful as ever. Still no fights (knock on wood), no problems, so we're doing really well. He hasn't told me he loves me yet, and I don't mind in the least. I think it's best to take this slow.

Other than being incredibly preoccupied by my wonderfully amazing boyfriend, I'm wrapping up classes, getting things packed, and getting ready to move downstairs for the RA position. Yay! For those of you who don't know, I did, in fact, get the RA position at Spivey, my current house for the Spring semester. If I can, I hope to stay here in this position until I graduate. That would be incredibly awesome!

Patti wants me to stay on at the costume shop, just to be on-call when they need me. I, of course, agreed. I love the shop, and I would've missed it terribly.

I've been writing Ryan regularly, and he's fine. We're talking about relationships and odd things in life, as usual, so I'm enjoying it. I think he knows more about me than some of my closest, dearest friends. Wait, he IS one of my closest, dearest friends! I need to talk to Alex, though. She doesn't know I have a boyfriend. And I have her Christmas gift to deliver.

Anyway, I need to grab some grub and finish all of this sewing, so I'm off. I love all of you very much! Have a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year!!!

Yay!!!

2006-11-05T16:50:00.000-08:00

So, I suppose everyone would just looove to hear my news, right? Heh. I have a boyfriend! Yay!!! Finally, I know. His name is Steve, he's 22, he lives here in Huntsvegas, he's incredibly sweet, a gentleman, funny, kind, and an all-around wonderfully amazing guy. He respects me and likes me and pampers me (woohoo!), and he loves to make me smile. He posted a blog on his MySpace profile that said I am the "best person in the world." And he's equally great. He makes me happy. I feel safe and comfortable and just plain right when I'm with him. I don't have to worry about him taking advantage of me or pushing too far, and we have a mutual friend who just can't get over the fact that he liked me from the start. He says I'm amazing, and we have a million little things in common. Well, big things, too. Things like eggnog, strawberries, vanilla, pizza, movies, music, children, relationships... The list goes on. He's Steve, and I'm so glad we're together! We'll see how things progress, but I anticipate a happy and quite possibly lengthy relationship.

And for those of you who are wondering about Ryan, we still email, we still talk (no, he doesn't know about Steve), but we're friends. Until he indicates that he's interested in anything more than that, we're going to leave things as they are. I refuse to complicate issues that should really be so simple.

Oh, and Mom, thanks so very much for doing my laundry!!! I love you! And I love you, too, Daddy! I know you'll like Steve. *They're going to meet him on the night of the play. If you want to know more, email me, message me, or leave a comment and I'll get back to you. Lots of love! Mwah!

Such a Lov-ely Day

2006-10-29T14:22:00.000-08:00

Well, hasn't it been FOREVER?! I know y'all have all missed me soo much, so I figured I'd just drop on in and let y'all know what's going on my little life. First off, I got cast in a play. It's called Playhouse Creatures, set in the Restoration period. I'm an old woman, one of five women in the play. This will be my very first performance on stage, so I'm really looking forward to it. I'll get to use a British accent! We go up on November the 16th.

I'm still the house mother, and I'm the leader of our Astronomy study group for my class. That's always interesting. I love working with some of the kids, but others really get on my nerves. We're meeting tonight. Did everyone remember to change their clocks back?

I've been emailing and IMing people left and right. Yay!

I chaperoned a high school dance last night. It made me feel really really old. :(

We finally finished the costumes for 12th Night! Yay! We were all really worried about that. That's a huge burden off my shoulders. Kris had to help me finish the dress I was working on, but we finished. I was very proud of myself, especially since I did a lot of the work (most, in fact) by myself.

I went to a classic car show yesterday, too. Devin, the guy who I went to support, got an award! Yay! He restored a 1969 Mustang. It's gorgeous! Bright red. He's going to give me a ride when it's registered and legal and all that. He won "The Car We'd Most Like to Steal" award. Hehe.

Other than that, I went to a Scholarship Luncheon on Friday and had a wonderful time speaking with Dr. Cording and Mr. DeCastro, as well as Mrs. Cording and the other scholarship recipients. Intelligent conversation of that caliber was stimulating and oh-so-interesting.

Well, ladies and gents, I'm off. I have some lines to memorize. Later, taters! Mwah!

I like...

2006-10-07T13:23:00.000-07:00

Getting dressed up all pretty, singing in the shower, drinking coffee, IMing people, hearing from old friends, being sent back to bed :p, people telling me I look beautiful, having plans, being able to drive, have friends, making music, playing music, singing in my room, playing with my hair, doing my make-up, and not having plans. Contradictory, no? Allow me to explain. I have Gala this afternoon from 430 to 745, then a concert in which a housemate is playing and some others are singing. That should be over around 930. After that, though, I have no plans, unless you count chilling out and watching a movie counts as "plans". That's incredibly tentative. Today's been a very relaxed day. But things will pick up shortly. I have to do some minor adjustments on my hair, get dressed, and go get in the Hobbit and drive to the theatre. (The Hobbit is my car, for those of you who missed that particular tidbit.) Then to the concert for Mario, Tara, and Bethany, then back here for a change and a movie. Then sleep! I don't really have any homework, but I have some sewing projects, so that's what I'll do after church tomorrow. Oh, and I like diamonds. And nail polish. And high-heels. And rings. Actually, all jewelry. And shoes. And horses. And pie... Hehe. Ok, I'm off. Hair repair! Love y'all! Oh, and very awesome music!!!

Big Brother...

2006-10-06T08:53:00.000-07:00

So, it's October!!! Yay!!! Happy belated birthday to my brother (not like he ever reads this). He's 21. Getting old. I'm very proud of him. He's my big bubba, for cryin' out loud. I love him ever so much. I don't tell him nearly enough. But he's so awesome. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's one of my closest friends, though we don't really talk all that much, and I trust him with everything. He's a gentleman, and friendly, great with people of all ages, a genuinely wonderful person. I miss him when I'm at school. That's one of the reasons I'm so glad for cell phones. I can call him for free and talk to him whenever he's not busy or I'm not busy, and we don't have to say much. We have that sibling connection. I just talked to him, actually. He's driving the limos today. Both of them. The H2 this afternoon and the Chrysler this evening. Which is so incredibly awesome. I know when you think "limo driver" you don't normally think "so cool", but with Derek, it most definitely is. And he's a very well-rounded person, so he likes a lot of the same stuff as me, despite the fact that I'm the "nerd" and like odd things. And he's very entertaining, with just enough silly boyishness to keep everybody laughing. I'm the ultimate defender of his honor and reputation, though the battles for him are few and far between. Anyway, I was feelin' the love this morning, so I thought I'd post. I'm still alive. And staying here this weekend. My uncle's wedding is next weekend, so I'll go home then. I'll have to buy gas, and I still haven't gotten my paycheck, so maybe I'll be better off next week. Well, I'm talking to Ryan and Mark, so I'm off! Love y'all!

2006-09-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

So, it Tuesday. It's been a week and a few days since my last post, and things are wonderful!!! I feel much better, and am well over the cold I had. I talked to Mom today (well, listened to her talk, mostly, but I loved it just the same) about life and such. She's fine. She's getting better, too. She was sick last week and over the weekend. Derek called me, too. I think the only person I haven't talked to is Dad... I tried to call, but no answer. (Update: he called me back.)

Mark requested that I update, so I am. :p

For those of you who don't know, I have a friend in the Army named Ryan. He's the older brother of a dear friend. And he's already become a very dear friend himself. Anyway, he's stationed temporarily where he can access MSN, so we talk almost every day in IM. It's quite wonderful. And because we have so much in common, we never run out of things to say! Lol. Go figure. He makes me happy. From what I can tell, he likes talking to me, too. So I'm very happy right now. He'd better be in bed right now. It's still early in the morning where he's at. I'll be in bed before too long. Homework first, then bed.

Oh, I have a new Avon lady. It's my suitemate, actually. She's very sweet, and she feeds me, which is always good. Ya know, everyone feeds me. It's like they like for me to taste their creations or something. But I don't mind at all. ;)

I'm having to work later this week, but it's not as bad as we first thought, so that's good. I can actually still have a life.

Well, there's the latest. I'm happy, very busy, and planning a ton of little projects. We'll see how they go! I'm off! Love y'all!

Blast from the Past

2006-09-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's Sunday, and I know I should be in church right now, but I'm still not over this blasted cold/illness that's had me down for the past few days. So I'm being courteous and not spreading my germs to a hundred innocent people. Besides, I'm not feeling so hot, just felt I needed to report this.

I get a phone call around 10 this morning from an old friend from high school. His name's Joe, and my parents never really approved of him, but I think he's pretty cool. Anyway, he just came across my number, apparently, and decided to call me up. We talked, caught up on life and whatnot, and then said goodbye after about a 30 minute conversation. It's the weekend--my minutes are unlimited. Come to find out, he has a Cingular cell phone, which is what I have, so I told him to give me a call whenever since it's free and all. So I expect to hear from pretty often now. We'll see.

I went to the animal shelter yesterday for community service (I wasn't going to go because I'm sick, but I was feeling really good yesterday morning) and fell in love with all of the animals there! Some of them are SO ADORABLE!!! I would've gone broke for sure if we were allowed pets in the dorm. I found about 4 I would've loved to have. 2 dogs and 2 cats.

At one point in the day, I slipped and fell on the wet concrete. I was wearing flip-flops, and it was my own carelessness, really, so it's no big deal. But I think I hit the fence with my toe, because there's a bruise and a little hole on my big toe, left foot. I boiled it out with peroxide (no white bubbles showed up), cleaned it with alcohol, and put neosporin on it with a band aid. That stayed on until I went to bed, and now it doesn't hurt at all. The bruise hasn't gotten any bigger, and there's no swelling, inflammation, or redness (other than the bruise, which is a pinkish color, rather than purple or blue, which should show up in a couple of days), so I'm fine. It was just unexpected.

Alright, back to bed for this one. I'll talk to y'all soon! Oh, please send up a special prayer for Ryan. He was supposed to email me back yesterday and I still haven't heard from him. I'm a little worried, but no news is good news, I guess. Love y'all!

[Today's Date Here]

2006-09-11T19:37:00.000-07:00

Sooo... I have a ton of stuff to talk about, but no inclination to type it all out. Suffice to say that everything is fine, I'm a little mixed up about some stuff going on in my head, and I'm extremely busy. I have a job that I love at the costume shop in the theatre, I have awesome friends, I love my life as it is right now (except for a few miniscule things), and everything not going my way is gravy.

I talked to Drew today. Nothing new, nothing particularly interesting, just wanted to make sure he was still ok.

I got an email from Ryan the other day. He's fine, but had a close call a few days back.

Those are pretty much the only notable things...

Oh, last Saturday I got to climb to the very top of a huge stack of hay! That was pretty awesome.

And the Saturday before that I fell off of a horse. That makes for a very interesting story, but it's much better in person, so I'll tell everyone when they come and see me. :p

We also went on a mission trip to downtown Houston. That was a blessing, and very full of little miracles. Good stuff.

Let's see... I got a refund from the university. That was pretty cool. We had a study group today for Astronomy, and I felt like a teacher, but not on any sort of upper level. They had a hard time grasping concepts. Thankfully, I reinforced my own knowledge by teaching them. I only wish I had a source to back me up. I get unsure of myself occasionally and it's hard to teach with confidence when I don't know that I'm absolutely right.

My hands smell like spaghetti.

That is all.

Channel 13

2006-08-25T21:48:00.000-07:00

Hello all! As per my father's request, I am posting! Woo!

Here's the latest from PAM Channel 13 College News. I've officially started class, and I'm going to really love all of them. My math class is going to be incredibly slow, but fun anyway, my astronomy class is interesting if for no other reason than the planets are being reclassified, my acting class promises to be rather challenging, production will be entertaining, and computer science will be a breeze. I start labs on Monday. That'll be cool because the TA is a guy who lives in the dorm. Work is pretty fun, and it's going to be very busy. We have quite a few shows going up this semester. I might post a schedule at a later date.

The weekend is finally here! This first week was exhausting. But I'm having a blast. I'm not worried about being an RA so much anymore because Spivey promises to be very fun. "My guys" keep me entertained, safe, happy, and comfortable. The group is an amoeba, and I'm not the only girl most of the time. It's never really a constant, either. It's a lot of fun.

I have an especially close friend named Devin who lives down the hall. He has a girlfriend, so it's nothing like that, but we talk about EVERYTHING. He's a great friend, and we have about a zillion things to keep us conversationally occupied. He also likes to pick me up and carry me. He's even sweet enough to let me steal his super-comfy slippers when my feet are cold! Hehe. He's quickly becoming close. He's supportive and thinks my odd quirks are funny, so we keep each other entertained. Hayleigh, his girlfriend, knows about me, though I don't know how much he actually says about me. She's very cute and, as far as I can tell, a wonderfully sweet person. He's happy with her, and thinks he'll marry her. Too bad there aren't two Devins in my world.

Other than that, Ryan's been terribly busy, so I haven't been hearing from him as much. He's supposed to get a few days off soon, so he'll be able to write and talk to me and stuff. Can't wait! I miss our conversations.

I saw "Grand Canyon" tonight at the theatre. It was written by one of our students here, and it's actually really good. I was impressed.

Today was a bad day. I didn't get much sleep last night for various reasons, one of which being I had unfinished homework, I had to work up at 7 to get ready to get boxes from Wal-Mart for the costume shop to finish packing up things, I had class from 9-12, then took a very short nap, had some lunch, and went to work, went to a meeting at 5:15 (right after work), went to take care of some things with Luker, then went to the play. I got home and saw that my blog window was still open and decided to finish this post...which I've been working on for about 2 days now.

Things are better, though. I'm hanging out with DJ tomorrow, and then there's an honors party Sunday night, so that should be fun. I'm seriously looking forward to a good night's sleep. I haven't had one of those in a very loooong time...

G'night.

Oh, yeah, there was a really cute guy sitting on a bench on campus today in a cowboy hat... Pretty blue eyes, tall, slim, adorable. I am such a lost cause.

Choice

2006-08-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

Images behind my eyes
Scenes I can't erase
Life past and present
Hope for the future
Chaos or bliss
The choice is mine
No turning back
I can't forget the sight
That burning memory

Peace meets war
On a field too large
The battle begins
There is no way out
We must choose
What all have faced
Loyalty or love
Both is not an option
Or is it?

I would never take him
He is yours first
A brother, but more
I fall forever
You only adjust
I know I can never
Choose

Jealousy
Jealously
We pull
We fight
Battle with those
Dark caves of
Forbidden dreams
Lost in the night

Up

2006-08-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I was right! Today is indeed better! I got an email this morning from my "missing" buddy. As it turns out, we were suffering some technical difficulties. Hopefully they're all resolved now. Woohoo! In other news, I have a splinter. And some chores left to do. Including cleaning my room... Never good. If I'm not back soon, somebody come dig me out.

One of those days

2006-08-01T12:58:00.000-07:00

Do you know what’s aggravating? My parents. I have to be so careful not to argue with Dad because Mom freaks out, and I have to be careful not to argue with Mom because it makes Dad irritable. It’s so frustrating! I can’t express any opinion, even a valid one, in a discussion, because they don’t see me as a competent adult. To them, I’m a child. Irresponsible, naïve, ignorant, and incapable of logical thought. They have no idea what goes on in my head. Mom thinks she knows everything I’m thinking because apparently my face always tells her I hate her or some similar hogwash, and Dad doesn’t know how to compromise or have a discussion if I’m against his opinion. He turns it into this sit-there-and-yell-at-Pam crap that I get so tired of. And yes, I know they read this. And I’ll probably get in trouble, but this has been building up for a while, and I’m sure it will blow over. Everything else does. I only have 15 days left here. I’m 19 years old. They could let me grow up some. That’s why I’ll be so glad to go back to school. I’ll be away from their oppressive stunting. Don’t get me wrong, they’re wonderful parents and did a fantastic job raising us, but they can’t let go. Grandpa and I had that discussion the other day. He says they don’t know how yet. He had to learn as a parent and finds it’s much easier as a grandparent. He’s great at listening and being supportive, and, though he’s not Mema, he’s wonderful.

I miss her. So much. I need her to talk to, to tell me everything will work out and it’s ok to cry. To help me grow up and help my parents let me grow up. I’m finally crying for her. Oh, how I miss her. Who do I turn to now? Someone who won’t judge, who loves me unconditionally, with a woman’s point of view and that wisdom that comes with experience. Someone to just talk to. Where can somebody find a friend like that?

Ryan’s kind of like that—an older, wiser friend who listens and talks, but Ryan hasn’t written in about a week. I have no idea why. He writes to his sister, and he may just be demonstrating to her that she is more important to him than I am, which is fine, especially since I’ve been worried about her being jealous or not being able to accept our friendship. I just miss our conversations. I miss him. I can’t talk to him about some things, obviously, but I’ve found a kindred spirit in him. Someone I don’t have to teach and lead and be an example for. I don’t think I have very many friends like that. Not that I’m so close to, anyway.

The good news for the day is that I fit in my “skinny” jeans.

Today is one of those days. Nothing is quite as sunny as you woke up hoping it would be. Maybe tomorrow will be better. It can only go up from here.

Yeah, I know, it's been a while.

2006-07-20T13:23:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! I know it's been a while, as usual, but here we are, once again. I love my job! It's lots of fun and, while it can be frustrating, I make awesome tips.

I have an email buddy in the Army. He's stationed in Afghanistan. We exchange messages about once a day and talk about everything from physics to the weather. He's a lot of fun. He's a friend's older brother. Very cool, 25, named Ryan. Anyway, that keeps me busy nowadays.

It's hot in Texas, y'all. And humid. Pity us who work outside.

I'm really all empty on news, so I'll close by saying I hope y'all are having great summers and I'll talk to ya soon!

Very fluffy cats.

Job!!!

2006-07-08T11:21:00.000-07:00

I got a job!!! At Sonic! The manager, named Pam, called me this morning and asked if I still was interested, so I said yes and she said I start today at 3! Woohoo! Wish me luck!

It's Independence Day!

2006-07-04T07:29:00.000-07:00

Well, happy Independence Day! It always strikes me as sad when this day rolls around and we still have men and women fighting for that same freedom we declared so many years ago. Seems like an injustice of sorts. I guess that's the way life is. Always striving to hold on to what we've got and somehow get more, too. Special prayers are going up for all of our folks overseas, and I sure hope they feel 'em. Hope everybody gets the chance to pop a few fireworks, eat something off the grill, get nice and messy from watermelon seed-spittin' contests, and see family and friends all smiles today. Love and hugs!

M&D

2006-06-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

Hey! Special congrats go out to Mom and Dad on this their 22nd anniversary! Whoa! 22 years! Hope y'all have fun going out tonight! They have plans to go eat dinner this evening, so that should be good for them. As for me, I have plans to do... well, I'm scraping the house so I can paint it, and just kind of hanging out at the house. I'm applying for a job at Sonic soon, so hopefully that'll work out. Other than that, I've got thoughts like crazy, but there's no way I'm ready to tell Y'ALL about them :p so chill out. Hope everybody had a great week!

Wal-Mart

2006-06-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we went to Wal-Mart to get toilet paper and some ice cream this evening, and, as we were walking down the aisle, a skinny black man stopped me and asked my name. I told him, "Pam" and kept walking. No biggie. I figured he was kinda off. He then proceeded to follow me down the aisle and told me he had never seen a white girl built quite like me. I understood what he meant, as that's not the first time someone has made a comment on my "ghetto booty," but it was rather unexpected. We laughed and kept walking while his coworker told him to behave himself and get back to his register. This was at the back of the store. As we were checking out, back at the front, he not only noticed me again, but pointed me out to several customers! I was almost embarrassed, but one of the guys standing there while he made whatever comments gave me a look that said he understood and not to worry about it. So, that's my oh-so-interesting Wal-Mart story. Great to be back n Huntsville, huh? :p

In Response

2006-06-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

Well, first off, thanks for your prayers. I should've updated this last week, but things have been hectic. Mema passed away Sunday, June 4th at 7:20 PM. She's now in a much better place, and, while we'll miss her, we're happy for her at the same time. We're all doing alright. The funeral was very... interesting. There were a few glitches in the music, but we all know Mema would've been cracking up, so we didn't really mind. We had a ton of family down, and some even stayed for a few days to keep Grandpa company, so that was a blessing. I finally got a chance to get to know my cousins. And an aunt. So that was great. Unfortunate circumstances, but I'll take what I can get. I'm going to miss her very much, especially since she knew all of my secrets and gave awesome advice, but she won the race and beat us all to heaven, so I'll see her again.

We had Vacation Bible School last week, so I was very busy and rather tired. I spent every evening with my family and then got up early to teach Pre-K from 8:45-12:30. It was tons of fun, but I'm glad it's all over. I'm tired, and I really want a vacation. A real one, with a change of scenery and friends and the open road and all that. Unfortunately I don't see that happening. Ever. This promises to be a very long and boring summer. Oh well. I'll make do somehow.

Thanks for your prayers, and I hope you're all doing well! Chad, I think the movie has enough action to keep your interest, so give it a shot. Or just let Carrie get her girls together and have a movie night. Be sure to supply lots of Kleenex!

Prayers

2006-06-03T11:46:00.001-07:00

Hey guys. Once again I have a very serious prayer request. My Mema. She's not doing well. We have family down from Illinois, and our whole little group here. Her brother, her sister, her husband, all three of her children, and 4 of her 7 grandchildren. She took a turn the other day we thought might be her last. As of right now, she's looking a little better than she has since yesterday morning, but it's an hour by hour thing. We're all just waiting. That's all we can do. But the point of this is to request prayer. We'd love for her to get better and stick around for a while, but we don't want her to suffer. It's a hard thing to realize, and it's a hard thing to watch. My grandmother. Dad's mom. Your thoughts and prayers would be appreciated. Thanks y'all. Love and hugs.

Tristan + Isolde Quotes

2006-06-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

My face in thine eyes,
Thine in mine appears.
And true plain hearts
Do in the faces rest.
Where can we find
Two better hemispheres,
Without sharp north,
Without declining west.
Whatever dies was not mixed equally.
If our two loves be one,
And thou and I love so alike
That none can slacken,
None can die.
Excerpt from "The Good Morrow" by John Donne
~ Isolde, reading to Tristan

I don’t know if life is greater than death, but love was more than either.~Tristan’s dying words

And the Doctor Says:

2006-05-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm fix-able! Woohoo! I went to the doctor yesterday, and I'll spare you the details, but he prescribed some things and I'm on my way to being normal! I was very impressed with the doctor and his nursing staff. His name is Dr. Mangal, out of Houston. Doris was the nurse we dealt with, and she was very kind and knowledgeable. Dr. Mangal was not only personable and intelligent, he related everything that was going on in my body to things we could understand and explained the entire process step-by-step. I now know what I need to know and what I need to do to fix it, so yay!

I don't have to work this week until Friday, so I'm going to enjoy my time off and hopefully do something productive. Like what, I have no idea, but something.

Anyway, thought I'd share that wonderful news. Have a great week, y'all!

Happiness...

2006-05-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm on about, oh, cloud 24 or so. I got all A's!!!!!!!! Yay!!! And I got a job at the flower shop in town working with my best friend and her grandparents, so I'm good! Now I have to organize my room, get ready for VBS, and catch up on my pleasure reading, but that's it for summer plans. Oh, and learn how to wakeboard. But awesome, right? :D Love y'all! Have a great week!

So, ok...

2006-05-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

That is how I usually begin my conversations with my suitemate. "So, ok..." followed by either a random comment or something that happened over the course of the day or a question. We just have a connection. Occasionally she'll have something in her mouth and say something and I'll understand her. I used to be able to do that with my brother, though I don't know if I can anymore. I know her comments and have stolen more than a few. And she's stolen some of mine, too. I'm going to miss her.

My roommate stayed up last night packing her stuff. Amazingly, I went to sleep around 2 this morning with a radio and the light on. That never happens. Ever. I woke up at 7 and got ready to take a final that I'm fairly confident about. Now I have one last final (my final final... hehe) at 2 this afternoon. I have to perform 2 monologues. I have one mostly memorized, but I still have to work on the other one. I should be finished way before class starts, so it's all gravy.

I'm going to miss school. The freedom. My friends. The stuff I get to see and do every day. The food variety. But home isn't so bad. I have friends there, too, and hopefully a job, and no roommate, and a wonderfully big, soft bed, and the safety and security of home. It will hopefully be a peaceful summer.

It's rather sad, all of this packing and moving. And I'm not just talking about the sad state my car is in, filled to the brim with my belongings. The whole leaving process is sad. And my bare walls, empty shelves and closets and drawers, and the huge bags of trash leaving our room regularly. My computer in the corner with no speakers... I'm seriously going to miss 24-hour internet access and unlimited computer time. Like whoa.

My task for the summer is to go through my school stuff and take out everything that I didn't use. I'm going to go through my things in my room and throw loooots of stuff away, too, so I'll have a clean and organized room and about half of the bulk to bring back with me. Sounds like a plan, right? Now to actually do it. Well, I have the summer! And maybe it'll be a vacation... I feel like I actually need a vacation from things at this point. I've never really needed it before. I guess whoever designed the school-year was pretty smart. :p Ok, back to memorizing. Love ya! Mwah!

Ok, Ok, here it is...

2006-05-02T16:09:00.000-07:00

I think I've gone retarded. Why, you ask? I'm a girl. Hehe. I've been painting my nails all sorts of colors, and they are, in fact, wet right now. And it's working, except when I hit my right thumb against my left thumbnail. It's just my left hand. I'm doing French tips. Despite past and current animosity toward the French. :p But I'm enjoying it, strangely enough. Go figure.

Mark requested that I update as I've been promising to do since my birthday, and, since today is a beautifully lazy day, and my nails are too wet to do anything but type, and they'll be dry by the time I finish, it works perfectly.

My birthday was wonderful! It was a gorgeous day, and I spent the evening with my cousin and her friends just hanging out. I got a bazillion phone calls! Let's see, Daddy called me around 7:30 that morning, Mom called in the afternoon, my brother called me at midnight the night before, my hairdresser called me and her little boys wished me a happy birthday (they're 6 and 2, so cute!), two of my best friends called me during the day (Kourtney and Kristen), Heather (my suitemate) told me happy birthday at midnight, Steven sent an early birthday wish on the 26th, and Jarrod wished me a happy birthday over AIM. I got a ton of "happy birthday"s over facebook. People wrote on my wall all day! That's a very good feeling. That's one of the reasons I love birthdays so much. It's such a good feeling to hear from people who care. My classes that day both told me happy birthday, and I got sung to at a meeting on Wednesday.

I took Heather home with me on Friday to celebrate with my family. We had lasagna and I got an adorable picture frame with little magnets that spell my name to go on the magnetic frame. Daddy's supposed to be buying me a phone. I'll get that before too long, I hope.

I got a birthday wish from my ex-boyfriend, but we won't go there. He actually just IMed me... Wants to "catch up" later. I'll be online, if for no other reason than to see what he has to say.

It saddens me to say that this gas price thing is becoming something huge. I literally go around and compare prices. I found gas at Wal-Mart for $2.709 with my card yesterday, so I think I'll stick with them for the time being. Even though it is across town. It's better than paying $2.859 on my side of town. It's a shame. But I can't afford to not get the cheapest I can find.

I think I've lost weight, and that's a good thing, though I couldn't tell you for sure yes or no or how much. It's more like I can see it in my face and in my favorite jeans.

Being 19 isn't really any different from being 18, except that I feel a little older. It's strange to say how, exactly, but I really do. The very first time I've felt any older after a birthday. It's like I can feel myself growing up. Which is crazy, I know, but true nonetheless.

Finals are next week. I'm not really worried about any of them, but I have to study. Which is all I'll be doing this weekend. But it's a price I'm willing to pay to secure my grades. I've got A's in everything except my history class, but I hate that class, so the B I have in it will have to suffice. I might be able to get enough extra credit with my final to bring it up to an A, but I don't know. We'll see.

I made the RA candidate pool, which means they'll put me in any openings that come up. And I made costume shop payroll, which is like taking any social life I have and pouring it down the drain, but it'll be a steady paycheck. They're saying about 20 hours a week, if not more.

One of my new favorite songs: "Seashores of Old Mexico" by George Strait.

Ok, off the finish my nails! Talk to y'all later! Hope you're all having awesome weeks! And happy late anniversary to Carrie and Chad! We love y'all! I'm going to have to re-do my thumbnails...

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

2006-04-27T05:42:00.000-07:00

Today is my 19th birthday! Yay! So, one more year of teenagerhood. Hehe. Donna did my nails last night, and cooked me dinner, so that was fun. More fun to come! I'll update tonight about the birthday happenings. Woohoo!

Tuesday Afternoons from Heaven

2006-04-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

Suddenly, the light comes shining in!!! I love my parents. They are totally and completely wonderful and they don't even know it! So, Mom, Dad, thank you both so much for being so amazing! You had no idea what was wrong or that anything was even going on, and yet you did know, and now everything's better! Not because we talked about anything specific, but because you cared enough to call out of the blue and be absolutely silly and normal, like everything in the world was fine, which it really is, I just couldn't see it. So thank you. I don't know why, but everything suddenly feels lighter, and the sun's flooding back into my life, right where it belongs. And as I sit here crying those crazy tears of joy, I thank God for you both, that you're there for me and I'm so blessed when I don't deserve it. You are both wonderful people and fantastic parents, and I know we've had our disagreements, but I'm as thankful for those as the beautiful days of one-on-one time. So, rest assured, Dad, Mom, everybody, that I am once again back to being me. Maybe a little changed, but still me. And thank you all for your prayers and love and support! Life is easier with strong shoulders to help me through the valleys. Love y'all!

Un-answers

2006-04-24T22:34:00.000-07:00

What color are my eyes? Are they green? Sometimes. But sometimes they're blue. I don't know. Does anyone?

Standing in the shower, crying about nothing, I realized I'm not really happy. I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with something someone said about something. Well, actually, yes, it does have something to do with exactly that. A friend told me it was my fault that I'm "one of the guys". What I can't figure out is how exactly that works. I can't change who I am. I can't make myself any less tom-boyish or more girlie. I don't think I'd want to, for the most part. And yes, it hurts. It hurts that the guys talk to me like I'm one of them. It hurts that I can't be dated because I'm a friend, and half of the guys see me as a force to be reckoned with, and not something feminine or attractive, and those that do are too scared to step up and do anything about it. This doesn't really matter, and won't have any repercussions since none of the guys I'm referring to ever read this thing. I really don't see why ANY of you still read it. But whatever. Your choice, I guess.

I've diagnosed myself with depression. I don't know why I'm sad or out of sorts or down most of the time, except that I need a few days all alone to zone out and recharge with no company, no pressure, no worries, and no pain. That will, unfortunately, never happen. Life doesn't work like that. Not even mine. Which seems rather strange, since I seem to live a very charmed life. Some would even call it perfect. I can't say that I blame them. Everything that's "wrong" in my life is my won fault. Well, mostly.

For those of you who don't know, here's the latest. I went to the doctor the Thursday before Easter. I had blood work done on that Saturday. The results came back last Wednesday. I'm trying to get some female problems sorted out and make all of this unnatural body hair stop growing. A clear complexion would be nice, too, but I'm not really getting my hopes up. Anyway, my results said my thyroid, kidneys, and liver are all fine, and I'm not anemic or glucose resistant. My cholesterol is too high, but I'm working on that actively now. My testosterone levels, however, were a bit off... An adult woman should be at or below 20. My testosterone was above 60. I'm so sick and tired of dealing with this! I was so discouraged! I still am, really. I just wanted them to be able to prescribe something simple, fix everything, and make me at least semi-normal, but nooo. I have to be even more of a freak. Do you have any idea how hard it is to think of myself as a real woman when I have as much testosterone as some guys and act like them, too?

I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. For a long, long, long time. All alone. Nothing but me and my dreams and the sweet hum of the fan. And all of this in spite of my birthday on Thursday. I'll be 19. Whoopty-doo. I need sleep.

!!!!!!!!

2006-04-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

Will somebody PLEASE remind me why it's illegal to KILL someone?!?!? My roommate... GRRR!!!! I don't know how much more of this crap I can stand! NOISE ALL OF THE TIME! Either groaning, talking, or those friggin eating noises... I'm going to GO INSANE. And she talks and always has the TV on. And she's ANNOYING. Grr................ I'm so frustrated! I just want to scream! Or punch her. Or kill her and dispose of the body. Idiot girl. It's grating on my nerves... AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! As much as I love guns, it's really hard to not use them... Dang.

Birthdays, Bests, and Besitos

2006-04-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

Can y'all see my picture? That's right, it's a tree. The Century Tree, as a matter of fact. It's an Aggie thing. This explains a lot of those "Aggie things". I guess it comes from having a best friend at A&M, but I love all that stuff. Awesome traditions. I had a dream last night that Reveille ran from College Station to Huntsville and got me out of class and took me back to A&M with her, where I was awarded a full scholarship. Strange. But it was pretty funny.

Sunday was Daddy's 40th birthday. We went to the Bass Pro Shop's Outdoor World in the Houston area and then went into the mall on Saturday. He got a suit and a shirt. Very cool.

Today is Andrew's 21st birthday. It doesn't really amount to anything, since he doesn't read my blog, but he's Jarrod's housemate and a friend of mine, through Jarrod. Jarrod is an Aggie, along with Andrew.

I have 5 best friends and more good friends than I can count. My bests are Jarrod, who will always be close to me, because we get along pretty much all of the time; Kristen, who represents my past; Kourtney, who represents high school and my leadership experiences; Courtney, who is there for me when I need her and is my voice of reason; and Heather, my suitemate, who is the person I'm the craziest with, who never lets me feel sorry for myself, keeps me on top of things, and expects me to expect a lot from myself. Honestly, I think Heather is the one person I could hang out with all day and never get annoyed at or get tired of. I love all of my bests, but some of them can be annoying, argumentative, and just plain silly. Jarrod and I can spend a day together, no problem, but we generally run out of things to talk about, so we go find something to do, like watch a movie.

I saw The Notebook for the first time last night. The very end got me. I liked it, though.

I need to talk to the English department head and see if I'm exempt from my 266/267 class, since I got A's in my composition classes and 265. Makes no sense to anybody from somewhere other than SHSU, but it's ok.

Next week, I have a research paper due on Monday, a research project due on Tuesday, a doctor's appointment on Thursday, and Friday off. This week, I have a presentation due in History, an RA interview on Friday at 8:30 AM, Relay for Life from 7 PM to 7 AM on Friday through Saturday, another interview on Saturday, a shirt to sew (which doesn't have to be finished this week, but I want to finish it asap), and cupcakes and cakes to bake. For the Relay for Life. So it looks like I'll be writing my research paper tonight or tomorrow night, and finishing on Saturday and Sunday. Yay. Note the lack of enthusiasm.

My roommate went to the opening Astros game last night. So she didn't come home. Which is wonderful. She's not really bothering me, but I love being alone in my room.

Heather's having a tough week, so we might go do something tonight to lighten the mood. We'll see.

Oh, and I got my cartilage pierced. I have a point on my ear, so I got it there. It didn't really hurt, though it throbs if I hit it just right. I got the bright idea to put Neosporin on it, so hopefully it'll heal faster. 1 month. It's on my right side. And I think it looks really good.

People keep telling me they love my shirt, though it's just a John Cena shirt, and isn't anything impressive. But whatever. It says, "Hustle. Loyalty. Respect." on the front and, "Down since day one." on the back. All in caps. I like it, so it's all gravy.

Well, I'm out. Class soon, and then I have crew, then who knows what else. Besitos! (Yes, that's Spanish.)

Back to School...Again

2006-03-20T13:50:00.001-08:00

Aaaaaah. My first day back. Spring Break was...less than satisfying. I can't put my finger on exactly why, except that I never really had nothing to do on any given day. I guess I missed that laziness.

I amaze myself sometimes. My procrastination, my performance in a pinch, my care-free attitude toward life, the way people open up to me. Things I've noticed today.

The white azaleas are gorgeous, though the day isn't. Dreary this morning, muggy this afternoon. There are certain comforts about being here I hate to give up, even if it is to go home. The feeling of absolute freedom. I'm accountable for and to only myself. Well, that's not entirely true, but I have no serious and binding obligations that weigh me down and suffocate me here. It's not really that things at home are so bad, but rather that I get tired of the same three-ring circus every time I'm there. It's as if I can't truly be the person I'm becoming. And it's very hard to squeeze back into that oppressive shell every time I make that hour and a half drive back to Mother's house. The pain brings tears to my eyes.

But there are other things here that I love. The people. The variety. The routine and spontaneity all wrapped up together. The endless supply of hot water. The absence of pressure to get out of the bathroom because there are a billion others waiting to take a shower. Time by myself. And yes, even those annoyances are strangely welcome. My roommate's eating habits. Her strange noises. The cold floors and my annoying alarm clock. All of it marks where I am in my life right now. And it's truly where I want to be. I'm growing up and I'm afraid everyone is waiting to pounce on me to hold me back, make me stay where I was and stop this transformation that college holds. Who will win?

A Day for Boyfriends

2006-03-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

There is a single cluster of mistletoe in a tree on campus. It hangs over the sidewalk all year round, an enchanting parasite. Does this make that particular spot more romantic? Or magical? I don't know. But it could. It's possible.

The turmoil is resolved. The battle has been fought and the dawn has defeated the day. Thank you, dear warriors. Meet with me on the morrow where the breeze softly whistles through the dew-damp ferns for a celebration of sorts. If you so choose...or so dare.

Yes, my own creation. In the wee hours. Meaning? I'm no longer homeless for Friday night. And I have multiple job opportunities.

Patty, the costume shop head, has asked me to apply for a position on payroll for next year! And I got an interview for the RA position for next year, too! And yes, I can do both. My roommate also got a music splicing program, so I can format some songs for my piece going up Friday.

The homeless thing... Well, I was going to stay with my cousin Friday night and go to the wedding on Saturday, which would've been fine, but she's not going to be home and can't leave the keys because she has to have them on Monday. And you can't lock the doors without the keys. So I talked to the bride, and she said I was more than welcome to go up to College Station on Friday night and stay with them, so that's what I'm going to do! They have extra room, and they all know me and don't mind, and Sarah really wants me to come, so yay!

I'll still be able to be home by Saturday night, so it's all good!

The title... I made a really random comment in costume shop about today being a good day to have a boyfriend because I really just needed a big hug and some movie time. I'm fine, and I'm not sad or anything, but sometimes... Especially now that I have an idea of what I'm missing. Oh well. My time will come. Aight, I'm out! Love and hugs!

Bubba and Blues

2006-03-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

A journey must begin with a single step.

Duh. This from the fortune-cookie fairies. Gosh.

But that means I ate Chinese food tonight! Yay! Good stuff. I'm still dealing with these random impulses to sleep... Hehe.

I'm going home tomorrow morning. And I'm giving Josh a ride back to school on Sunday. He's a friend from high school. Lord, help me, please. He's a bit of a trial for me sometimes, even though he's a sweet enough guy. He was my homecoming escort last year.

Spring break is coming up! Yesssss! I have a billion things planned, including a visit to the high school to see everybody, a day or two spent with Mema, a trip to Houston with Mom and possibly some other ladies from the church, a day of reorganizing the church library, and hopefully some time just hanging out with my brother. I miss him a lot. I miss him as much as I do Mom and Dad, if not a little bit more, because he hasn't really been just my brother in a long while. I haven't spent any time with him lately. And I miss that. I love my brother very much. Mom and Dad are, of course, my parents, and I love them, too, but Derek is number one on my list when I think of people I love. Parents are different. They are their own little category, I think.

Heather, my suitemate and I have been talking a lot lately. This whole semester, actually. And I love it! She's awesome! Even my roommate and I are getting along. But Heather and I have a ton in common. Last night we were talking about our brothers. She has a younger brother and is really close to him. I wish I was closer to Derek, but I know he'll be there when I need him and I consider him one of my dearest friends. So, in a way, I'm closer to Derek than Heather is to her brother. Derek is one of the funniest people I know. And he's sweet and a gentleman and a wonderful big brother. Also the reason I didn't have a boyfriend in high school, but, in retrospect, I'm very glad he was there to protect me.

I don't know where this sudden expression of my appreciation of that bond came from, but I guess I miss him more than usual lately. I have a feeling I'd be a very different person if my brother wouldn't have been there.

Anyway, things are awesome! I'm actually making stuff in costume crew, which is awesome because they trust me to do important things, and all of my classes are going fairly well. I have one midterm next week, and that's all. So that's really cool. I also have a mask project due. I'll try to get pictures and post them and explain my choices and my performance. But that will have to wait. I don't know for sure what I'm going to do.

Yes, the title is almost random. I did talk about my brother, but I am by no means blue. It's a very pretty color, though.

Well, it's Dancing at Lughnasa tonight, and then Heather and I are coloring the bathroom mirror. Did y'all know that mirrors are dry-erasable?!?!?! We were SOOOO excited! We now write notes to each other, draw things, and have the MOST fun! Hehe. Yeah, we got a little carried away, but it's a blast. Life's too short to not be crazy every now and again. Though I wonder if it's more of a constant state of things rather than the exception... Mwah!

Long time, no post...

2006-02-26T16:46:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, hasn't it. Sorry. Not a whole lot has been happening. I've been less mothering lately. I guess I'm just getting burned out. But I'll be back to normal soon. Spring break is coming up! I'm doing a bunch of stuff with Mom, and I have some plans of my own, so I'll be busy, but it'll be a good busy. I'm hungry. I went to church this morning. I'm in the library now. Joe, my acting partner, met with me to pick out a play. He was early and my group for production was late, so I multi-tasked for most of the afternoon. I finally got a chance to burn those CD's I've been wanting to burn, so that's good. Other than that, things are rather uneventful. I'm going with the flow, and, with the exception of this ache in my stomach that is hunger, I am doing fine. My roommate and suitemate were both gone this weekend, so I had an incredibly uneventful day yesterday. I slept late and read a book for the 5th time or so, wrote in my journal, took a nap, and munched on some snacky things. Very good day. But anyway, my music is almost finished burning, so I'm off. Food! Yay! Love and toodles!

Development

2006-02-17T12:20:00.000-08:00

Here's a thought. Should I just be a theatre teacher? Mother says I won't be as marketable, but I wouldn't have to change my major and I could be just as involved in the theatre department. And I could still teach. Reasoning? I don't really know that I would enjoy teaching English. I know I love the subject, but is that love enough to get me through the classes I hate? Then again, is that love enough to get me through the Theatre classes I hate, too? Ideas? Suggestions? Help?! I may be just sounding off. I'm still in the decision stage, I think. And so the journey continues.

Fears

2006-02-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

Life takes unexpected turns. I'm scared to death of failure. Not getting married and having children would be failure. Dying alone and unloved would be failure. Never loving someone completely, not living my life for me, giving up my truest dreams, all failures. I want what everyone wants-happiness. But my happiness depends on something beyond my control. The love of a man who would make a wonderful father and husband. I've made a decision. I want to be a teacher. And I want to stay in Texas. I love Texas. My roots are here. How could I give that up? Who would ask me to? Nobody, I hope. But I'm afraid I'm making a mistake. Changing my major, compromising my "dream", changing my whole life to pursue something that may never actually materialize.

I thought I wanted to direct. I think about it now and I see that my passion doesn't really lie there at all. That it's merely another fun pastime I happen to be good at. So I searched my soul and came up with the answer to my own question, "What will make me truly happy and really fulfill my deepest desires?" Motherhood. It's that simple and yet that complex. I know I wouldn't be happy just sitting at home cooking and cleaning all day, despite the charm that it holds now. I'd be bored out of my mind in a matter of years. So I need a career that will work well with my domestic goals. Teaching. And teaching high school English, no less. With a minor in theatre and my masters in English, I'll not only be incredibly marketable, but I'll be able to do so many things in both small and large school systems. Maybe I'll become another Mrs. Rollins. Sure, that means 2 more years of school and a teaching certification, but I'll be happy. I'll be able to teach, interact with people all day, be a mother and a wife, and have a life both outside and with my work. I'm steadily warming up to this idea. Occasionally berate myself for being nothing but scared, running away from California and the unkind life awaiting me there. But then I'll remember the gorgeous Texas skies and know I'm getting closer and closer to my real dream.

That still leaves me a scared, single college student about to take the hardest and biggest step of her life. I ask your prayers, your support, and your encouragement. Hugs and kisses. Thanks to all of you. Ok, I'm ready to take the plunge. I pray someone will catch me at the bottom...

And Now, Spatula, with Today's News

2006-02-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody. How about those Steelers?! Hehe. The game was one point away from the perfect irony, but that's ok. Some pretty funny commercials this year. I didn't see any that really pulled my heart-strings, though. Watched the game with some friends. It was pretty fun.

I'm exceptionally tired today. Heather (my suitemate) and I stayed up until the wee hours Friday and Saturday, and I guess I'm still feeling the effects. At least my homework's all done.

People are dumb. They apparently don't know that the little "away" symbol means I'm NOT HERE! And no, Mark, I'm not talking about you. Random people pop up on my screen when I'm not home. Sure, I love getting messages, but c'mon, don't they posses common sense? Kinda weird in my opinion. But whatever.

In other news, my tooth is in pretty good shape. I got some putty to fill it as my wonderful mother suggested, and it helped. I still don't chew on that side and it hurts occasionally, but at least I can drink things without the excruciating pain shooting through the right side of my jaw and ear. It comes out Friday! Love and toodles!

>>>UPDATE!!! Fresh from the news desk! Just for all of my wonderful readers who notice little things like this, my teeth are fine! I got 2 molars removed on Friday and haven't felt any pain at all. I can now touch the holes with my tongue and play with my gum during class. Life is definitely looking up! I have dissolvable stitches, and they're still there. How long does it take for them to dissolve...?

Thursday: Almost There!

2006-02-02T09:35:00.000-08:00

The good mood continues! Yesss! Anbesol tastes funny. I had an awesome workout last night! It was pretty long, but it felt sooo good! I felt it this morning. My legs were kinda shaky and I was really hungry. But I have every intention of doing it again tonight. Now why didn't I start this earlier? I have no idea. I love it! Who would've thought I would actually LIKE to work out?!?! Haha. Not me!

But on to other things. My mouth is numb. It's a totally awesome feeling. :p We get free breakfast tomorrow morning provided by the wonderful people at Residence Life. We get an allotment every month to spend on what ever we want. This month, it's breakfast. We also had a "welcome back" party last Wednesday.

My MySpace song is the Top Gun Anthem!!! Yay! I LOVE that song! One of the greatest instrumentals ever!

I'm glad Jessalyn's buckling down and not partying as much, but she's home all of the time. Not exactly cool. And she sleeps CONSTANTLY! But whatever. I don't even really care if I wake her up. She wakes me up all of the time. So poo.

Did everyone hear about the Seattle scandal?! They've been using a registered trademark (not their own) for about 20 years now and the finally got caught! They stole the "12th Man" phrase and idea from Texas A&M, and now the Aggies are takin' 'em to court! Woohoo! Gig 'em! This is a time for Texas to unite. We should all be together in our defense of the trademark. Even if you bleed orange instead of maroon. Interesting thought.

Sewing mantra for the week: You rip what you sew!

Looking Up

2006-01-31T06:49:00.000-08:00

I'm in a much better mood now. And my roommate is still alive. :p I went shopping last night, so I feel muuuuch better. Hehe. No, I didn't spend too much. I got some new sneakers for hip-hop, some Anbesol for my tooth, and a new CD. I also had a fantabulous workout and some pretty entertaining conversations as well, so today feels like a good day. I'll let you know for sure when it's all over tonight. Love and toodles!

Boo

2006-01-30T15:17:00.000-08:00

I'm depressed. And my tooth hurts. I don't know why I'm depressed except that maybe I feel like I'm missing something in life. Like things were meant to be something different. If you don't understand, don't worry about it.

But my tooth hurts.

Is it justifiable homicide to kill your roommate for eating noisily? I can tolerate most things, but ever since I was young I never could stand the noises people make when they eat. Lo and behold, I get a roommate who is the loudest chip muncher under the sun!!! I'm going to kill her. I know quite a few people who would help my get rid of the body...

Complaints

2006-01-24T06:49:00.000-08:00

Being sick stinks. And Nyquil tastes sooo much better than Dayquil! Dunno why, but it does. Other than the obvious discomfort in my nasal passages, throat, and ears (causing a headache, stuffy nose, and lovely cough), I'm dealing with a huge, gaping hole in the back of my head. I've stopped chewing on my right side. And it's hard to remember until something gets over there and the excruciating pain shoots through my body at speeds previously unknown to mankind. I have a presentation due tomorrow, another due on Friday, and a test today, only for about half of which I'm prepared.

On a lighter note, I love my classes. Makeup is a blast, costuming is fun, acting 2 is awesome, intro to production is pretty sweet, and my history class is even half-way interesting. Woohoo! My dance class is just funny. If you know anything about Southeast Texas, imagine a hip-hop class at a relatively inexpensive college... Hehehe. Yeah, I'm a white girl. :p

But back to being sick. I'm soo not up for a long day, but I get one anyway. Maybe I'll be smart and use my invalid time to do my homework. Haha. Suuure. That's what I'll do... ;D Ok, I'm out. Love and toodles!

Tragedy

2006-01-17T09:09:00.000-08:00

In one morning all changed. Porkchop's dad passed away. He had his stomach banded recently and went to the ER Sunday. They had to do emergency surgery and he didn't recover as they intended. Please pray for Courtney, as well as Christie (Courtney's step-mom), Kendall, Matthew, and Heather (Courtney's siblings). And Bernice, Courtney's mother. This is going to be hard for all of them. And for those of us doing our best to ease their pain.

It's That Time Again

2006-01-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back "home" now. School, that is. It's really wonderful to be back. I'm shifting gears again, telling myself that it's time to buckle down and "do" college. But I can work hard and play hard, too. No more worries about curfew and calling home every ten minutes. I'm thinking about getting a job, but then there's all of the stuff I have to do already, not to mention all of the possibilities for this semester, so I'll probably wait. I'm definitely working this summer, though. My roommate wants some company tomorrow while she gets her truck worked on, but I don't know when my audition is and if I'll be able to go, so I'm waking up early to go sign up if possible.

I have a very pretty color-coded schedule written up, and I'm walking around some time tomorrow to see where my classes are. Most of them are in the theater building, so no worries there. I have my first hip-hop class on Wednesday. Um, yay, I guess. We'll see and I'll report back. This should be interesting. Well, g'night! Love and hugs!

Troy

2006-01-03T07:38:00.000-08:00

It’s all Helen’s fault, you know. If she hadn’t run off with Paris a dreadful chain of events would have been avoided. Of course, we wouldn’t still be reading about the history of the greatest war ever fought, either, now would we?

Think about it. Paris takes Helen. Paris fights Menelaus, Hector kills Menelaus, Agamemnon wages war to avenge his brother, Hector kills Ajax, and Achilles’ cousin fights for Greeks dying on Trojan shores. Achilles fights Hector and kills him, escalating the war and changing the fate of the war for the Greeks, who were doomed from the beginning without Achilles to fight for them. All for Helen’s renowned beauty. Then Paris shoots an arrow and hits the heel of the great hero and the Greeks resort to trickery to win the war.

And then there’s the whole “Romeo and Juliet” inner story. Achilles loves Chryseis and yet tears them apart with his own vengeance. Twisted fate.

Is the entire movie of Troy one big bundle of dramatic irony? WE all know what’s going to happen. Some of us even know the details. Did anyone notice that really weird reference to Aeneas? He was supposed to be older and married...

I like it. The character development, the plot development, and even the connected threads of revenge and death appeal to me. Ah, the timeless story of deception, war, love, and mythology intertwined with an irrational trust in the divine beings of our own imaginations. What a novel idea, eh?

Sarcasm, cynicism, yeah. But oh well. Have a good day everybody.

Oh yeah, I love the horse. So cute.

Observations

2005-12-27T19:28:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody! Well, Christmas is over. Now it's time for New Years! Woohoo! Ok, I promised some funny stories based on a few observations.

One: Eggnog is addicting. I come to this conclusion based on an observation. Christmas Eve: We're sitting around the bar in the kitchen talking and telling stories and drinking, you guessed it, eggnog. We had all finished our cups except for Mom and had moved on to something hot, like Mom's awesome spiced tea. Dad sat quietly gaping at Mom's cup. The words out of his mouth next took us all by surprise… "Are you gonna drink that?" Silence. Then laughter! We all cracked up! Dad was so serious! He really wanted more, very badly! So then we got into a discussion about the way we all love eggnog and how we could drink it constantly, even though we shouldn't. And so the evening progressed.

One of the things I absolutely love about Christmas, even more than the presents, it seems, are those magical moments that occur spontaneously. Like that wonderful conversation we had around the bar that night. About life, about work, about silly stories and gay guys hitting on people. Hehe.

Two: I now own the softest robe on the planet, with Brandy's coming in a very close second. For Christmas I got a gorgeous green and white robe that feels exquisite! I can't really describe it, except that it's the softest, fluffiest, warmest, most comfortable robe I've ever felt. It's a robe that makes you really not want to ever put on your pajamas. I love it! For those of you at college, I'll bring it back just to share the absolute delight of touching it. :p

Three: Mother is an amazing cook! Not funny, per say, but very true, nonetheless.

Four: I got soo many wonderful gifts! Like jewelry, a purse, socks, my robe, more jewelry, some sweaters, face cleaner stuff, and a full acrylic paint set! Along with a green dragonfly teapot, a dragonfly pin, a pair of dragonfly earrings, and some wonderful lotion, I had a wonderful Christmas. We had chili after church. Mmm mmm good!

Five: Playing Trivial Pursuit with a bunch of guys without Larry and Jan there is rather pointless. The guys were desperately trying to catch up with the girls after we had conquered 5 of 6 categories. The guys: 0. Yeah, really boring. So I, being the "question master", through collaboration with the rest of the girls, decided to censor the questions. The guys got about 10 questions they were guaranteed to answer correctly, and were up to 4 of the 6 categories. We left them there on their own. They then proceeded to get the final 2 pie pieces and make it to the middle, where they missed the final question twice! It was getting late, so we called it a game, but the win was "legally" the guys'. And so we marked it with a special circle denoting a "special" win. That one is going in the record books. They didn't have a snowball's chance in Texas of coming back and winning that on their own. So the girls really won, even though the official "W" went to the guys. So much for our bright idea. We only had the pink piece left… Bummer.

Six: Cats are crazy. At Kim's house I left my windows down on my car. Big mistake. When I got in, there were cats! EVERYWHERE! Actually, they were just in the back seat. But it freaked me out, to say the least.

Well, I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas! And I'll talk to y'all later! Love and toodles!

Season's Greetings!

2005-12-25T08:30:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!

Man, do I have some stuff to tell y'all... But later, because church is going to start soon. So have a great day! Toodles!

Christmas is Coming!

2005-12-20T16:34:00.000-08:00

Well well well. Been a few days, I know. Sorry about that. I've had a stomach bug. Eww. Yeah, it was pretty nasty. But I'm much better now. I got the bug from the 5 year old I babysit. Yep. Gross. But Christmas is coming!!! Yay!!!! I'm soo excited! I've gotten tons of stuff for friends and family and I can't wait to see their faces when they open their gifts! I'd love to go into specifics, but my parents read this. Hehe. I don't know who all even reads this mess anymore, but oh well. I'm very much ready for Christmas. After arriving home on Thursday, I went to Jarrod's house and got to hang out in the hot tub with some friends, which was pretty fun, then we got together again Friday night to watch a movie. Saturday I went to babysit, and then church on Sunday. I got sick Sunday night and spent all day yesterday recovering and then finished my shopping today, which was cool. I got a movie and a toy for the babies I sit for, some goodies for Mrs. Sheryl, and some stuff for some other friends. Yay! I like to shop, but I don't really like Christmas shopping. I never know what to get for everybody! But I usually manage to figure something out. Remember to keep Heath in your prayers. He's headed to the sand box. *sigh* I miss my friend already. I can only imagine what his family is going through. Well, toodles for now.

Tuesday

2005-12-13T14:14:00.000-08:00

Look what I've learned in my college life...

That's a wonderful excerpt from a Roger Crager song. The rest doesn't really apply. Haha. My weekend was extremely restful and almost productive. I'm happy again, though a bit crazy. Still. Haha. Well, just wanted to let y'all know that I WILL survive and I'm doing fine. I have a monologue to perform tomorrow, so I need to work on that now. Talk to y'all later! Toodles!

Mhmm

2005-12-05T13:40:00.000-08:00

Well, just wanted to say a quick thanks to all of the folks who offered their support and love this past weekend. I really appreciate it. And I know there aren't many comments, but I got a few phone calls and visits, so I felt much better when I went to bed. And today was gorgeous and pretty ok, so I'm making it. I have tons of stuff to do this week, so don't expect much from me. I'll talk to y'all later! Love and toodles.

uh... yeah

2005-12-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

So. I'm single. Drew and I had a much-needed discussion about where our relationship was and the direction of our intentions. And the decision reached was that the relationship wasn't "clicking" in the same manner as it was originally. We both felt that we rushed into the titles too quickly and that it would be better if we took a break to reassess our emotions. So we're currently just friends. I don't know how long this sabbatical will last, but he's still going home with me next weekend to hang out at our house and whatnot. And we still will probably do things together occasionally outside of church. So I AM ok. And I'll get over it. Tears will fall, but my heart will heal.

No Kidding

2005-11-30T12:36:00.000-08:00

So get this. In acting today, as I was getting my things together to leave Mrs. MacIntyre asks me if I was going to be an actress and director. I answered the affirmative and she cried, "I knew it!" She then said, "It's a hard life, with lots of pains. There are joys, too. You'll do well. I'm looking forward to watching you grow." I conveyed my thanks, and that was the end. But whoa! To have someone like that really believe in you, actually think you can make it in their field... That's a serious confidence booster. :)

Last night was rather interesting. I was driving to Bible study and, stopping for a red light, pulled up beside a woman hanging out of her SUV talking to the woman behind her, also in a SUV. Apparently, the woman in the back didn't have her lights on, so the leader felt the need to tell her. And so ensued a conversation about the said lights with thanks expressed at the next light. I smiled at that. Then, out of town, there was a huuuge bag of pine straw lying in the road that we had to dodge. Randomly.

Little Smokies (ya know, the sausages in B-B-Q sauce) and cheese make a great combination. Snacks at Bible study. Hehe.

Ryan is growing a beard. Ryan is Drew's brother. He just decided to let it grow. He said he was tired of buying razors...

Cio and Allie "fought" for about 15 minutes after everyone left last night. Wrestling, pulling hair, boxing, smack-talking. Quite entertaining.

I made a really cool name tag for myself and Drew with silver, blue, red, and green sharpies. Christmasy.

Meeting in a few, so I'm off. Toodles! Sorry so choppy...

EDIT>>> My friend Brittany's Aunt Lula is having some serious trouble. Her heart is failing and her lungs are filling with fluid. She's in the hospital and needs to be in our prayers. Thanks guys.

Today

2005-11-29T13:10:00.000-08:00

Conversations are cyclical. Talking to a friend who I haven't seen in a while, I clearly saw the development. It's interesting. Really. Class, life, nothing to do, haven't seen you in a while, who was this person I met with you, how has everything been, how was Thanksgiving, what are your plans for the rest of the day, good luck with class, if there's anything I can do to help with the grade, see you later, take care! Complete circle. Class, everything in between, and class again.

My roommate was in jail for MIP last night. Minor in possession. Of alcohol. Interesting. But she came in sober. Which was something of a change. Very interesting indeed.

I'm contemplating a room change for next semester. The room next door is going to be completely empty from what I've heard. And the suite on the other side is where Parrot lives with Stacey. Easy suitemates. Then I'd have the chance roommate assignment, though. Some strange person that I don't know. Any thoughts on this?

A pretty good day thus far. I got to sleep fairly late and I slept all night, so I'm not tired like I was yesterday. Bible study tonight at 9. One of the last ones for the semester. Kinda sad. I also have a book to read for English. Yeah, I'm gonna go do that now... Toodles!

Thanks

2005-11-28T15:59:00.000-08:00

Ok. So I'm thankful for looooots of stuff. Friends. Family. God. My relationship with my boyfriend. Sunshine. Cold weather. Good music. Laughter. The Christmas spirit. Smiles. Being able to make people feel great about being alive. Drums. Awesome teachers. A capable brain. Financial stability. Life's small pleasures, like bubbles. Decorating the dorm for the holidays.

I heard a comment in English today about reality being dark and dreary. My reality is not. And I'm not a superficial idiot. Despite what some might think. So, I wrote a response:

"Despite reality, I am happy. Not because I do not suffer but rather because I see the good in small things. Like the sunshine, bubbles, music, good food, good friends, family, holidays, and children. Life in general is good. It's a wonderful thing to just exist. And that in itself contributes to the joy deep in my heart and radiating from my smile."

How true. And what a shame I can't bottle this feeling and sell it.

Break's Over...

2005-11-27T18:39:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody! How was y'all's Thanksgiving? Mine was pretty ok. Yeah, just. But Friday was sooo much better! We stopped by and got Drew on the way home from my aunt's house and then went out to Beaumont with Derek and Brandy. Mom was home alone until about 1:30. Hehe. But we went to see Derek's new apartment he'll be sharing with my cousin and a friend and went to CiCi's pizza. Then we went to see Walk the Line. It was REALLY good. The actors did a phenomenal job on their portrayals. I was very impressed.

Saturday we were out to Cathy and Smitty's for Thanksgiving with them. We saw Bob, Jodi, Hunter, Jack, Matthew, and a whole passel of folks out there for the shrimp fry. Mmm mmm. Good stuff. Bob is Mom's best friend from high school. Cathy and Smitty are his parents. So we're practically family. We (me, Drew, and Mom) went on a trek through the woods out to the deer stand with Bob and the boys. Hunter is 7, Jack is 5, and Matt is about 18 months old. Jack was attached to my hand the whole time, so I enjoyed my walk with "my boys". Drew on one side and Jack on the other.

Today was church and then hanging out at home for a little while eating leftovers and getting everything loaded up to head back this way. We left at about 2:30. Kourtney saw me driving through town and called my cell phone. I had to stop and get gas, so I dropped by the flower shop for a few minutes.

Back at the dorm I commenced "Project Christmas Decorations" and proceeded to decorate the lobby with the Christmas tree, mistletoe, garlands, and some other things we found. Stacey helped. So now it's all prettyful!!

I went on my blog rounds and watched Heath talk about hunting wolverines... and couldn't stop laughing for a few minutes. That was interesting. Heath, your accent's not as bad as I thought it would be. But other than that I was pretty accurate in my mental guesstimate. Go figure.

Well, I'm tired and Drew's gonna come watch Chicken Run or somethin with me tonight, so I'm out. Love and hugs! I'll post an "I'm thankful" post later. Remind me. Toodles!

Yep

2005-11-20T21:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so my computer's retarded. What's new? Hehe.

Yesterday was another absolutely amazing day! I bet y'all are getting tired of these, huh? Ha! We went to the Renaissance Festival for the final time this year. This was the last weekend of the season. Drew and I got there at about 9 with Mom, Dad, Derek, and Brandy arriving at about 9:20. We went in and had an awesome day, full of fun, laughter, shopping, chatting, and holding hands. Three couples! It was soo cool! We split up after the 3 o'clock jousting tournament and met up a little before 6 for the fireworks. Gorgeous! They did a really good job, the best of the 3 shows we saw, in fact.

With some crazy yells and several games of random "Marco Polo", we made it out to the parking lot. That was about 6:30. At 7:45, we were still sitting there... There had been a wreck involving 3 life-flights. So we waited.

At about 8:30, Drew and I locked up the car and ran over to the truck with everybody else from our little group and jumped in the back, surprising the whole truck. We, of course, were laughing like crazy. I went back and got a CD that I had purchased and we put it in the player and cranked it up! We also built a little fire behind the truck with some hay from the bed of the truck, which drew a bunch of random people. It's amazing how fire and drums can draw people together...

When traffic had barely begun to move, an officer came up and told us to put the fire out because there was a burn-ban on. Oops. We stomped it out and dispersed. Back to the car, and we made it to the cross-traffic and made it out waaay before Mom and Dad. They were on the regular road while we took a short-cut that was usually blocked off. So we waited on the corner at the main highway for them so we could follow them to supper at Jack-in-the-Box. Good stuff!

While we were waiting, since we had kinda run out of things to talk about and we were both getting tired (I get silly when I'm tired, and Drew gets quiet), I started singing Christmas songs. I went through quite a few, and we were laughing the whole time, so that was fun. Anyway, M&D finally got there and we ate in Conroe. Drew and I then drove back here and went promptly to bed.

This morning I woke up at about 7:30 and drank most of a 16 oz. bottle of water and fell immediately back to sleep...

We went to church together and then ate lunch here and watched Dirty Dancing. I took him home so he could finish some stuff, and we have plans for the movies before I have to go home for Thanksgiving. We still need to cement our plans for getting together, but if we can't it'll be ok. We'll manage. :p

Well, I'm tired and my laundry will be done soon, so toodles! Love and hugs!

Days Like These

2005-11-18T13:04:00.000-08:00

Have you ever walked down the sidewalk with your eyes closed? I did today walking back to the dorm. The sunlight on my face, the breeze blowing cold on my face, and my all warm in my big green hoodie. Deep breath, slow steps, smile on my face, and hair gently brushing against my cheek...

My errands are taken care of. I got some cash for our final trip to the Renaissance Festival and checked my mail. I got a letter from Mom and a shirt that I won on the internet. Cool, huh? But Mom's letter... I cried. In the post office. :p She just told me that she's proud of me and glad we're more than just mother and daughter, we're friends. What a topper to an absolutely fabulous week!

I have no idea why I've been so happy this week, but the days have just been amazing! I had a wonderful meeting with my English professor on Monday. He said that I don't really act like a theater major in that I am not only vocal in class but apply myself when writing papers as well. So that kicked things off on a good note.

I got a 100 on my History paper (aaaahhhh! I know! I can barely believe it!), bringing my grade back up to a B. I can finish pulling it up with this next test and final paper. But the 100 was based primarily on the main points that I hit in my introduction! Nobody else in the class covered them, so I had, obviously, the highest grade. I was soooo pumped! I was and am in awe! Hehe. Then I heard from my "stalker" and made a friend in the process, so that was interesting. I went to Bible study that night and got a chance to really talk to Drew, which I haven't done in a while.

Wednesday, I performed my monologue and did a lot better than I thought I would. I went to small group Bible study and Drew was there, so he rode home with me and we talked a little more... after I spilled my drink on him. :/ But it's ok. He didn't really mind, and I got most of it cleaned up.

Then yesterday I watched a movie and chilled out. We were going to hang out and watch some movies together, but my boyfriend was kidnapped... by his brother, and he didn't get back until almost 11. Oh well. There will be other evenings. But I got some sleep, another night of rest, 8 hours. Good stuff.

Today, acting class was cancelled, so I slept late, went to English, and then science, ate lunch with a couple of guys from class, and then straightened up my room and went to run my errands. *sigh* I love days like these!

Good Stuff

2005-11-16T22:00:00.000-08:00

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever. There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate! Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger. I will go through this day with my head held high and a happy heart. I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. ^{Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.}Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know. Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for them and how much they mean to me. Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me. I'll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine. And tonight, before I go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures. As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life, ever!

Stalkers, History Papers, and Oldies

2005-11-16T12:21:00.000-08:00

Whoa, what a week! Yesterday was a roller coaster day, for sure. I found out I got a 100 on my History paper that I was just sure I got a B on! And then RC decided he wanted to mess with me and tell me he was stalking me... So I overreacted a little, I'll admit, but it really did freak me out. I'm better now, especially since he apologized and explained that he didn't expect me to take it seriously. So we've been exchanging notes all day today, and he seems like a pretty cool guy after all. Go figure.

And then, I get home from a great day and turn on my radio... and there are oldies! Yessss! I LOVE oldies! And they're still on, so I'm in a really good mood! Hehe. Yesterday ended on a great note because I got to hang out with and really talk to Drew, which we hadn't done in a while. So I was and am happy.

Wow. I can't believe how blessed I am! God has showered me with blessings, for real! I can't really explain how I feel, but there's this feeling deep in my gut that's tense with anticipation and excitement! And I couldn't pinpoint why exactly even if I tried, but oh, how beautiful is life! And isn't today GORGEOUS?!? It never ceases to amaze me how much God must care about me to make my life so full of wonderfully sweet things! Love and toodles!

Revelation

2005-11-13T17:33:00.000-08:00

Ok, confession. It's honestly bothered me that Drew hasn't kissed me yet... until today. No, still no kiss, but I'm suddenly ok with it. Impossible? Not really. I realized that, instead of pushing myself to want something that I have decided a relationship is required to have, I have to just accept the way things are and let them happen. And I realized that Drew's strength as a man, not kissing me, holding off, has actually kept our relationship strong. I should know by now that kissing a guy does not guarantee success, and, in fact, oftentimes guarantees failure.

I've been saying Drew is my "gift from God." And he really is. I honestly see God's will in my relationship with such an amazing man. But I wasn't ready to let God keep working and taking first place in that relationship that He gave me. I remembered a scripture mentioned in a novel I had read. 1 Corinthians 7:1 says, "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman." Upon further reading I understood this to mean that this applies until marriage, when the two become one flesh. And it makes sense. And I really needed that revelation in my heart. I was disturbed about the situation, though I didn't admit it to anyone, even myself, until I had a dream about it a few nights ago.

My point is simply that God knows what He's doing. My challenge is now to follow Him. And to truly let Him lead in my life, and let His will be done. Ecc. 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in HIS time..." Including, and especially my relationship. It's important to me, and so it's important to Him. Awesome, right?! I agree wholeheartedly with Drew in that MY GOD IS AWESOME!!! Woohoo! Toodles!

Bible Study

2005-11-09T14:14:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to Bible study like I do every Tuesday. Pastor C.F. has been teaching out of Hebrews for the past few weeks and we're now in Chapter 3. Last night we talked about being faithful and not hardening your hearts. Hebrews 3:7-14. Verse 8 reads: "Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion, in the day of trial in the wilderness." C.F. used the illustration of callouses, those hard, unfeeling spots you get on your body when some action is repeated regularly. He equated the hardening of your heart to getting callouses. As a country girl, I am acquainted with the concept of callouses, and also with the concept of lotion. Cocoa butter, a particular favorite of mine, works wonders on removing callouses and revealing softer skin. So the key to getting rid of callouses is lotion, right? Well, how do we get rid of callouses on our heart? How do we change those insensitive, unfeeling places back into a whole heart sensitive to God's pull and presence? Lotion. The Bible, meditation, and prayer are the lotions of the heart. Now, we women are especially aware of the need to apply lotion before bed each night and when you wake up to keep skin soft, supple, and yielding. So here's the question. Are you using your lotion? Are you softening your heart and yielding to the Holy Spirit? Are you allowing callouses to be softened and replaced with that sensitivity that comes with an intimate walk with the Lord? I know I need to work on it. And I know some of my callouses are extremely thick and need lots of work. But through daily devotional and prayer and God's guiding hand I know "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13). Love and hugs. Toodles!